Marriage Crumbling - Part 4

[James3]

So a week ago my W asked if I was ok if she spent $2k on a course she wants to take. I agreed as it helps with her work. Today I asked my W if she was ok if I took two courses which would give me industry certifications in my line of work which would help with my work. She said, do whatever you want and went upstairs - she didn't support it the way I did her request. Anyway, she came back down 5 minutes later and said "I think it's more important that we figure out what we are doing because clearly this isn't working. We need to talk about our options". Not a very positive tone to be sure. She was on her way out the door for a few hours so we didn't have time to talk about it then, I simply said I agree.

I have no idea if she is going to tell me she's fallen out of love with me or that she is basically upset with me for allowing her to live in the other room for the past 2 months.

If she tells me she has fallen out of love with me, I don't know what to say or do to be honest. I'm sure she'll say something about selling the house.

If she still loves me she may be upset about sleeping in the other room the past 2 months but my point would be she asked for space, it was her that decided to move into the other room (I didn't ask her - I told her her she didn't need to). I can't help but feel she is going to lay another one of her guilt trips on me about how things have been the past few months when, in my view, it has been all her choice. She is the one that said she need space and time and I have given her that without any pressure, I've stayed completely clear of her and not asked questions etc. Just let her do whatever she wants to do without any interference from me. If it does go down this way, what is the best way to handle it? Just tell her you asked for time and space which is what I was giving you? Anything else I should mention at this point? Do I tell her I love her but she needs to decide what it is she wants?

Even if my W does feel she wants back into the relationship she isn't going to say it - she will want to try and make me squirm and feel guilt over it and I really can't stand for that - it's not right or fair after everything we've been through the past 6 months of in-house separation.

Calling Cadet - any insights from a female perspective?

[mvgfwd2]

I would just take it in and say you have to think about your options. I wouldn't blather on about loving her unless the talk goes in that direction and she wants to move back to the MBR.

[rd500]

Stay calm James and remember to believe 1/2 what she does and nothing of what she says

Listen , validate and sleep on whatever she has to say Today's convo won't make or break anything

Take care. Rd

[James3]

We didn't have a chance to talk last night but I'll most likely ask her if she wants to go for a walk tonight to talk (get out of the house and away from the kids) since she brought this up. I really don't know what she is expecting or wanting from me at this point. During our MC sessions (last one was months ago) she had said she wanted me to help more around the house so I took over doing all the household laundry (which she hated doing) and doing the monthly bills and have been doing so for months now. But otherwise, I've completely pulled back and given her space as she had asked. I just find it strange that she said (last night) that "this isn't working". Is she expecting me to chase her or something? I don't get it. I've been doing everything with the kids and their sports, being a great dad, running and working out daily to take care of myself emotionally and physically, pursuing a new job relentlessly (I'm working contract but need stability in a full time job) but I just get the feeling my W just doesn't respect me and certainly isn't attracted to me. I think she may feel resentful that I'm not doing something to try and get her back - just a guess based on what she said last night about this obviously not working. If we have a talk tonight she'll probably say something to the effect of 'obviously this isn't working so what are our options at this point'. She'll put it on me to decide what our next steps are as if she is done. I'm not about to start playing a poker game of who will push it further by saying I'll call a realtor and see about listing the house or anything else along those lines and I certainly won't propose physical separation (we can't afford it anyway). I think my response would be, as I mentioned previously, that she asked for time and space and I have respected that and done everything I can to give that to her. My two questions to her would be "are you still in love with me and do you want to save our marriage?" It's what it all boils down to so shouldn't I just ask at this point?

She is going to be looking to me to direct the conversation and the direction we go in. I feel it's a bit of a game and i don't want to get caught up in it. If she wanted out wouldn't she just say I'm done and want a divorce?? I feel like she is prodding me to say I don't like where we are at, you are doing anything to win me back, so I'm going to threaten you to get you to do something to make the situation better. She is not your typical female. She is tough and hard and isn't going to make this easy for me - you have to understand this.

[MoveFrwd]

I have no idea if she is going to tell me she's fallen out of love with me or that she is basically upset with me for allowing her to live in the other room for the past 2 months.

Why do you feel responsible for her choices? She chose to move out of the MBR; you didnt kick her out. Allowing her to live there? Come on...

I can't help but feel she is going to lay another one of her guilt trips on me about how things have been the past few months when, in my view, it has been all her choice.

It HAS been all her choice. You gave her what she wanted; time and space. Youve been a good dad. What do you have to feel guilty about?

If it does go down this way, what is the best way to handle it? Just tell her you asked for time and space which is what I was giving you? Anything else I should mention at this point? Do I tell her I love her but she needs to decide what it is she wants?

Just validate and listen. Why do you feel like you need to say so much? And no...dont tell her the bolded. Try to avoid saying what she "needs" to do. I would stick to the "mantra" - you arent interested in separation/divorce, but you love + respect her enough to allow her to make her decisions. Things like that.

I'll most likely ask her if she wants to go for a walk tonight to talk (get out of the house and away from the kids) since she brought this up.

Ugh. Why? If she wants to talk, let her arrange it. If she wants to talk, then you can suggest going for a walk to get out of the house. But dont go about trying to have this R talk.

I think she may feel resentful that I'm not doing something to try and get her back - just a guess based on what she said last night about this obviously not working.

This is just your fear talking. If you had done those things, youd be even closer to being divorced.

She'll put it on me to decide what our next steps are as if she is done. I'm not about to start playing a poker game of who will push it further by saying I'll call a realtor and see about listing the house or anything else along those lines and I certainly won't propose physical separation (we can't afford it anyway). I think my response would be, as I mentioned previously, that she asked for time and space and I have respected that and done everything I can to give that to her.

It isnt a game. If you dont want S or D, then dont propose it. Show that you are listening to her and are working to become the man you want to be. The rest of it is on her.

My two questions to her would be "are you still in love with me and do you want to save our marriage?" It's what it all boils down to so shouldn't I just ask at this point?

If youd like to hear her say "no", then fine, ask.

She is going to be looking to me to direct the conversation and the direction we go in. I feel it's a bit of a game and i don't want to get caught up in it. If she wanted out wouldn't she just say I'm done and want a divorce??

Yes. She would. So why are you thinking of pushing her to say those words and do those actions?





Just calm down. Relax. And stop letting your fear control you.
You can do it, James.

[rd500]

Hi James. Your having the conversation before it's happened. I wouldn't initiate the talk She's the one that wants to have a talk so let her choose the time and if the time suits you then ok

Let her lead the conversation for the same reasons The same advice from yesterday still applies. Listen , validate and don't respond from feelings or your thoughts at that time. If she's looking for you to answer straight away then say you need time to think and STFU ( Shut the F up). Don't be drawn into anything without giving yourself time to think or come on here for advice from the wise ones

Look back on your life and think of all the times you would go back and do / say something different if you had the chance. Give yourself that chance now.

No matter what she says , STFU and just say ok , I need to think about that

This conversation is one of many to come James, it's no more important than the next conversation ,


Stay strong. Rd. ('oh yea , listen and STFU )

Ps. STFU

[James3]

Thanks for the feedback darkness and yes I have fears I'm fighting here. I do want to know what she wants and what she is feeling but I won't ask as you pointed out. I probably won't like the answer.

She said it's important that we talk - is that not a signal to me to arrange a time for us to talk? Could be my fear again but I don't want to seem like I don't care about talking either by ignoring what she said. That would be how she'll take it.

If she puts it on me to direct our next steps, what am I supposed to say? Do I say I'm not interested in separation and would like us to rebuild our marriage? She is likely to respond negatively to say 'I don't know if our marriage can be repaired'. This is what she does but how do I respond to that? Do I say you 'you know how I feel and what I want and that's all I can tell you'. I literally need to know what to say here and how to handle it.

She isn't likely to say anything constructive so I need to be able to handle the negativity she is going to give me. I don't really know how to respond to it other than to try to make futile positive remarks which she just pushes away. I'm starting to feel that I should just repeat that she knows how I feel and what I want and leave it at that. Up to her to respond in whatever direction she wants to go in.

Keep in mind, I have not been pursuing her at all for months and have been doing my own thing (and her her own thing) with very little discussion between us about what we are doing in our lives.

[James3]

RD500 - thanks for the response.

I am playing it out on here because I know what she is likely to do and say and I don't know how to respond to it well. Talking it through here gives me a chance to prepare my approach. If she has something to say I will listen and validate but otherwise will try to say very little (the more I talk the more I get myself into trouble it seems anyway).

Again, she is likely to say 'this isn't working, where do we go from here' and leave it for me to respond. She won't lead the conversation per se, she'll put it on me so I really need some help to understand how best to respond and handle this form of communication with her.

[rd500]

No matter what she says , STFU and just say ok , I need to think about that

[mvgfwd2]

If she asks you an open question like "...blah,blah, where do we go from here?" You may just say... "I don't know, I never planned to be here" and then just let her talk. It may be a long silence but eventually one of you will crack and start talking again to break it. Don't let it be you, be strong.