I read that and I had to put on my finest Scottish accent and say, "whale oil beef hooked." It's where me and my wife's boyfriend go to hang out and dance. What do you mean that you'd hardly call it a biker bar?
Got tied up at work earlier and couldn't get to my homework, or back to the forums... Just finished pumping some iron with hans and frans, "pump YOU up!"
Okay, enough of that. A quick update after talking to my coach today... I told her of all the instances involving me and W over the past two weeks, and told her the D was filed. told her of the back and forth behavior of my W and how she told me she 'doesn't want D", just the day before she filed. Also updated on how after several ignored texts/calls the day of the D filing, she showed up randomly at the house "just to say hi", and then again on Saturday and her actions of just sitting in the driveway watching me do yard work, both times mentioning "are we ever going to talk about us?"...
She said I handled everything perfectly, to a 'T'. She said a lot of what many others have already stated on here, including myself, that she is extremely conflicted about her decision, and it sounds very likely that she's either regretful of it, or possible has become very scared/fearful of my reaction to her filing (going dark). Said a lot of times 'immature' problem solvers will use the D word as a means to force change, and they "expect" the other part to start to chase them, and since I haven't done that, and done exactly the opposite of that, she's possibly thinking "oh no, what have I done..."
This is promising news... however, I now see why 'detachment' is such an important part of this process. Without the ability to detach myself (I'm not fully detached, but the progress in the last week or two has been exponential), from her wants/needs/feelings/etc, I wouldn't have been able to respond the way I have, and the unfortunate (and fortunate?) thing about this, is now I need to do some long hard thinking about my future, and my goals with my future R, and whether or not they should involve her at all. I told coach how this entire process has taken me from one end of the spectrum to the other, starting with desperation, sadness, despair, moving into grief, confusion, apathy, and then to anger, betrayal and now in a place where I'm really feeling like I have control of myself (and my interactions with W) again.
We talked about how during my discovery process, all the negative patterns of my W and how she's (today) saying she is not willing to work on her problems in the MR, she doesn't have the energy. We talked about her past R's (abuse, cheated on), her family (mental disorders), and how she has a lot of work to do even if we do someday decide to "work on us". She said my W is an escape artist...will do anything to take the easy way out... none of this is "news" to me, but this is all very discerning at the moment.
Since my W is the one wanting to start "talks", she said if my emotions are controlled, I should just ask her, "what would you like to talk to me about?" and if she puts it back on me, just stick with my Mantra of I don't believe divorce...blahblah. but instead to just let her know that HER filing for D, has provided all I need to hear for me to move on with my plan of just focusing on me, it is a clear, formal, process that says "I no longer want you in my life", and if she wants to "talk", then she needs to be the one doing the "talking", and I'd have to agree with this almost entirely. Of course, during these talks, validate, ask questions of clarity, and empathize, but I'm not in the position where I have to make any decisions, or talk about anything I don't feel comfortable talking about.
This is her D, and my focus is just to continue to make myself a better person, and prepare myself for a better life, whether it be alone, with her, or with someone else in a future relationship (she said this is also a good point to make in conversation - or in a letter)... SHE needs to be the one that understands the "big picture" of what she has done by filing for D. I should not be the that has to explain anything to her, it's all on her now to figure this out for her own, and whatever she decides to act upon (her past patterns of taking the easy escape route, or to mature as an adult and figure out on her own how to handle this situation)... I can't show her what to do, or how to act, to make this better/right/wrong/etc.
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We also went over the LRT in detail, and the LRT Letter... I don't plan on writing the letter anytime soon, and she even said to wait as long as possible, "but you'll know when the time's right" (and timing is everything with the LRT letter). She said I should still not try to 'initiate' any converstaion with W, and to wait until she comes back to me for a talk (in coach's eyes, wife is so conflicted, she will be back to talk soon). And when she comes to talk, just say "I'm ready to hear what you have to say to me."... and just hear her out.
I think I'm ready for this. I'm ready to move on with my life, one way or another, and that's actually undecided at the moment, and will depend on a long series of events throughout the D process, and how my W handles herself. It will be clear whether she wants to continue living as the person she's been in the past, or truly want to make the leap into a better person for the future.
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Having said that... On my way home from work, Guess who texts.... "Hey, How are you?" ... silence. 3 hours ago, I never responded. I'm not torn on what to do, I've just reached a place where I really don't care what her reaction is anymore to me. Coach did tell me to keep things friendly though, but she also said, "going dark" is a great technique for me in this time. honestly, I like being dark and mysterious, something I plan to keep with me regardless of what happens. Who doesn't like a little mystery in their life, right? haha.
Anyways. This post is getting long. I got sh1t to do, I'll be back later.
Great post! You're helping a lot of by providing so many details as well as the thought process with regard to DB.
It sounds like you had a very good session with the DB coach. I always felt much better after my sessions with a coach.
I "went dark" by default; after my wife moved out I just didn't feel like interacting with her because I'd been through so much. I needed a break from drama.
Thanks again for the wonderful post! You've been an awesome forum member.
Thanks doodler. I know the long posts can discourage people from reading it all, but I think the "details" are very important for newcomers, or people just struggling on what they need to do, or understand the process or DB.
Just got back from grocery, gonna grill some kebabs and drink a few cold ones out back. Never responded to W text. I have an IC session on Wed, as well as appt with L... I'm just gonna hold off any talk with W until I speak to both of them.
Just an FYI, I did respond to W finally... A brief, I'm doing good, thanks! Was all I said. She replied, immediately, pretty much as soon as I hit send, got reply back... "Good!"
I was feeling a little bad for not returning the question back to her, but afterthought, really I don't care how she's doing right now. She filed the D, she knew the consequences.
Just an FYI, I did respond to W finally... A brief, I'm doing good, thanks! Was all I said. She replied, immediately, pretty much as soon as I hit send, got reply back... "Good!"
I was feeling a little bad for not returning the question back to her, but afterthought, really I don't care how she's doing right now. She filed the D, she knew the consequences.
So, maybe I scared people away with my outrageously long post. haha. oh well.
I'm really busy this morning with meetings and training, but I have some very good information/stories to share with you all later today... not regarding my own sitch, just something that I feel will resonate really well with the community here.
I don't think it was the long post that's keeping people away. I think it's your disparaging remarks about The Blue Oyster. You had me in tears. Not a real biker bar -- sheesh! You're so mean!
I'm kind of embarrassed I've never made the connection before, but while reading an article, I stumbled onto: --- A doctor can strike a certain place on our knee-cap, and our leg jerks up into the air when that happens. This is an uncontrollable reactive burst and is referred to as a "knee-jerk reaction." I've said it a thousand times, and for some reason, never made the connection. --- Trust me, people, this is relevant!
