Starting to Piece my M back together

[LiM]

Had MC yesterday afternoon. I think I got a little clarity into what is going on with my W. It appears that the need to maintain contact with OM's W is out of guilt and a need to help or "rescue" her/them. I do know, based on the FB messages I saw exchanged between OM and my W that she honestly though she was helping him with his M. Of course she was doing nothing more than destroying it but that's all part of the fog. So this is not a new issue for my W.
There may also be other reasons but it was clear that feelings of guilt is where most of the need was coming from.
The MC didn't come right out and tell my W that it was a bad idea for her to continue the texting relationship but he asked a lot of questions that led my W down that decision path.
I will likely just play it cool for the next couple of days and see what happens. I have a feeling my W will choose on her own to send OM's W a message for the purposes of cutting off all further communication. If not, I'll do it.

[doodler]

I do know, based on the FB messages I saw exchanged between OM and my W that she honestly though she was helping him with his M.

LiM,

That is really interesting! It's another example of the twisted thinking that occurs when the WS is immersed in affair fog. It's nice to have the insight, and it reinforces that mind-reading the WS is truly impossible because reality and rational thought doesn't seem to exist in the fog.

[Stormchaser]

Hey LiM, good to see things going well for you.

I unfortunately don't have good news to report in my reconciliation. But it has nothing to do with her straying or anything like that. If anything, my W has been stellar, the remorse and effort to fix the marriage on her end have been more than I could ask for. We are going to the gym together regularly, we are spending so much quality time together and the hysterical bonding has slowed down to a more normal sexual relationship, around 3-4 times a week. We flirt in texts now, we have a fairly good relationship.

The problem i'm having now is the mind movies. I'm in therapy, and we're in MC. She still works with OM and this drives me crazy. Several times I've attempted to go to her workplace, but knowing the affair took place there just sends me into high anxiety. I'm trying to desensitize myself to it, but its not working - if anything, it makes things worse. The MC suggested medication, to which I responded, "so she screws around and I need medication - great". I'm not taking anything.

More often than not, I look at her with anger and disgust now. There are times I'm happy, but times I look at her as damaged goods now. She's been a trooper and has listened to me vent, but even she has said she doesn't think she can endure many months of me going in and out of these waves of emotions. And I think, "she may be right. Who would subject themselves to constant mental abuse, not knowing WHEN this will end?"

My GAL has gone off scale. I'm a gym rat, going there at least 2-3 hours a day. I've changed both physically and mentally. I've become the man she wants, desires, and needs in her life. Unfortunately, I've also become the man that other people are finding attractive. I've changed and people notice.

After months of wanting her back, and getting her back, and having the marriage I want, I now find myself asking the question, "do I really want her back now?"

[LiM]

Storm,

You and I continue to be very alike. While things between my W and I are going as well as could be expected given whats happened (maybe even better than could be expected), I find myself still dealing with a lot of anger and hurt.
My W is back in our house. She is remorseful. We're going to counseling together. We do things together. We talk all the time; even about the hard stuff. HB has backed off a little but we do still have lots of sex. This is how its supposed to go when things are going well.
And yet yesterday, I found myself sitting in a walk in closet, crying on the floor. Why? Because it still f*ck!ng hurts so bad.
I had to hear my W having sex with OM on a voice recorder. I had to read all the intimate details about what they did together in FB messenger. Its horrifying and devastating. I have to wonder if I'm doing anything or saying anything in the same way that he did because it would be revolting to me to know that I am ANYTHING like him.
I do love my W but I have a lot of fear. I fear that I may never be able to truly get over this no matter how much I want to. I fear that I may never trust her again no matter how much I want to. I fear that I screwed up by letting her back into our house so quickly after she began coming out of the fog and expressed remorse.
I fear that by letting her back into our house, I've lost all the leverage I would have had in the event of a divorce. Divorce is off the table right now, but could it still happen? I just don't know!
Like you, I'm angry that I'm the one that is still having to do all the work to get over this. My W can only be sorry. There is nothing else she can do. I and I alone am the one that has to do the work to deal with it and get over it. That makes me mad but its just the way it is.
I would however suggest that you reconsider the medication if your anxiety about your sitch is that bad. You're trying to heal yourself right now and there is no shame in getting the help you need. Taking an anti anxiety med is no different that going to MC or IC if that's what you need to heal.

[betterm]

Hi LiM, Your thread has been recommended to me a number of times now as a similar sitch in a different phase. I'm going to be catching up but just wanted to say hi... more to come.

Hope you're having a good weekend!

[LiM]

Storm,

I think what you and I are experiencing is completely normal given the emotional insult we've had to endure. I think it just takes time to get over the hurt. We thought that when our WW's came back to us remorsefully that we could just "move on" but that's not really the case. Its going to take a lot of time.

If you haven't already read any of Bluewaves posts, I recommend that you do. She's 1 year into the piecing process and I think we can learn a lot from her.

BetterM, when you start your next thread, I'll stop by and post.

[betterm]

sheesh, I just read your story from start to finish, and even with no horse in the race (your race), it has me an emotional wreck.

LiM, you're process jumped from one end of the spectrum to the other, and seemingly continues to teeter around a bit, but your 'work' you've put in has been a great inspiration.

I'm sorry you're still dealing with the fear of what may become, and I'm not envious of you at all in having to deal with the things you've had to deal with. I'm sincerely sorry.

My current thread is nearing an end, I really like how you posted a 'summarized update' at the start of your new threads, so I plan on doing the same when I start my next thread.

thank you for your input on these forums, thank you for the inspiration, and I'll continue to follow you on these boards.

[Stormchaser]

Storm,

I think what you and I are experiencing is completely normal given the emotional insult we've had to endure. I think it just takes time to get over the hurt. We thought that when our WW's came back to us remorsefully that we could just "move on" but that's not really the case. Its going to take a lot of time.

If you haven't already read any of Bluewaves posts, I recommend that you do. She's 1 year into the piecing process and I think we can learn a lot from her.

Yeah, I'll have to go over her thread. I'm only 4 months into JFO and reconciling at the same time.

W had a fitness event this weekend, a competition. She was 5th out of 30 overall in her category. She readily admits she could NOT have done this without my support. Much like your W, mine is in the fitness field and I really don't have much experience with that. However, these last 3 months I studied hard and coached her - something she says she needed. She praised me for my coaching ability and also heaped tons of praise on me for the way I've changed these last 3 months, both physically and emotionally.

She says she has never been turned on to me as much as she is now. And yet, like you, I find myself having crying spells. I now have the marriage I've dreamed of, and now I'm not sure I want to be in it. I feel like I need to punish her back now.

Time will tell for these emotions to settle down, I guess. Like you, I feel like I let her back too soon. (I practically begged her back after two weeks. I should've let her simmer). I still regret to this day not telling the OM's wife and my W's boss as soon as I found out. They would've probably been forcefully separated at work, either by termination of one or both, and at least the OM's W would have an idea of what kind of scumbag she married. I still have days when I stare at the OM's W's phone number and want to call her - this is something I want to tell my own W, but I need to keep this info to myself for now, just in case I need it later.

Sometimes I think the affair went underground, but with my W constantly giving me updates on where she is and letting me read her phone all the time, I don't know what else she can do to reassure me. Quite frankly, I'm kinda at the point where if they WERE continuing this affair, I could easily just split without the hysteria I had when I first found out. This time I wouldn't be so nice about it. Everyone would know this time, and I have the proof.

But I'm not trying to be a jerk. I just wish I could flash forward a year to see how I'd feel.

[Coconut]

Lim / Storm,

I'm in the same situation as you both, and it looks like we are all on about the same timeframe as far as piecing goes. I feel many of the same things you two are, in fact I could of written either of your posts about myself. I did read Blu's thread, she's a year into piecing and still has the triggers as well.

I will say thoughts of A hurt less now than they did just 2 weeks ago, so I'm confident those will just be thoughts after some time, and I will be able to minimize emotional connections to those thoughts eventually.

I struggle the most with trust, I'm trying to completely back off snooping, but its hard. I'm thinking that I will notice a change in her attitude/emotions if something inappropriate happens, at least that is my hope, cause I'm ready to move past snooping/verifying.

It's funny that I now have what I wished for just a few months ago, but I didn't know how tough true forgiveness would be, be careful what you wish for I guess.

[LiM]

Ya, I have to believe that the pain/hurt will fade with time. I know early on, I couldn't even go 5 minutes without thinking about the A. Now I can go hours and be productive in my day without constantly being reminded about what happened.
I think trust will eventually return as well. Not only do I need to learn to trust my W again but I also have to learn to trust my own intuition. I never believed my W would be capable of what she did. I trusted myself to know that she was NOT having an A. I was wrong but that doesn't mean I'm always wrong. Eventually, I will learn to not second guess myself anymore.
All I can do is keep trying and praying. I recognize that love is a choice and I can choose to love my W or I can choose to be angry at her. Sometimes its hard to choose to be loving and affectionate when you are hurting but that is how it has to be. I chose to take the high road in all of this. I chose to fight and stand for my M. I will reap the benefits for those choices. My W and kids will also reap the benefits for that. I will be the lighthouse. I will be the leader for my family. I will set the example.

I guess its time for me to start a new thread now.
Thank you all for your support.