Hi Mozza, I'm sorry to hear about you and NG. Hope things work out in a way that you are happy with. You are quite right to go back to self focus and having fun. Interesting about the previous pattern of R's for the last while - I wonder why that is?
Yes, it's a useful time to have a think about whether it was truly satisfying for you and what you want going forwards too.
Take care and keep posting if we can help xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks all for the show of support. I've my ups and downs. Usually, I'm down throughout the day, I can even cry a little and barely work, and then I'm back up in the evening and the future seems bright, with or without NG. I'm a night owl and this is a reminder that, in the end, we're all a bunch of neurons and hormones...
We've exchanged one text on Friday (a week ago) and it's been silence ever since. I think it's the best I can do at the moment, since she's asked for some space and I told her that I'd speak with my actions (is this contradictory?). I admit that staying in the waiting period for another two weeks appears a long stretch. I've to learn to be more patient. In the meantime, I made exciting plans: went out of town with a friend in a convertible on Monday, had lunch with my best friend on Tuesday, going to see a friend 3 hours away this week-end, etc.
I've had a frustrating exchange with STBX last week-end, where she refused an expense apparently because I had not phrased my text as a question, but as a statement ("You're not consulting me!"). It made my blood boil because she was splitting hair, but I managed to mostly keep it under wrap, not without telling her "Are you serious? Please don't do this, it's not good for our cordial arrangement". The following day, I asked her to clarify why she was refusing the expense and she agreed that I was right.
Mostly, it made me think about how we resolve our conflicts in a relationship. When it happened, I was ready for battle. A day later, I was in a much better place, if still a little frustrated. My goal was to get an agreement on this type of expense and I achieved it. When we were together, I would never have waited 24 hours and it would have escalated? What for? Nothing. Working to avoid conflicts with STBX is teaching me as much about relationships than being with her did.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, sorry about NG. I hope it works out for the best in the end.
Learning to focus on the end goal is a valuable skill. I try to keep that in mind, and it's something I'm trying to teach my children. My teenage girls aren't quite picking up on that yet...
NG and I had drinks together a week ago, at her request, and we discussed our relationship. She says that while I check all of her boxes, she doesn't seem to be falling in love (I'm paraphrasing) after four months. She's worried about taking it further. She says — and she told me something alike before — that I go too fast through the steps and she fells trapped into a relationship. I brought up the "girlfriend/boyfriend" moniker a month into our R, said ILY after two months, organize a trip abroad after 3 months, etc. Now, after four months, I was ready to introduce her to the kids and she backed up. I'm glad she did under the circumstances. I acknowledged that I had been too fast for her (she says herself that it's not that I've been objectively too fast) and that it might explain why she was holding back emotionally. At the end, she said she was glad we got to talk and I agreed.
I've been thinking about the relationship too. I didn't feel like I was going too fast: once I'm exclusive with someone, it's normal to talk about "bf/gf", I said ILY to STBX a month after we started dating and I was still loving her 10 years later. Four months before seeing the kids seemed reasonable. Part of me wants to go on because I like her. Part of me would prefer to end it if she's not enthusiastic about me. It means that the ball remains in her court: will she come back and offer an MO where she's comfortable? Will she says it's hopeless? I'm worried that if we stay together, I'll have to hold back and not be myself. Not contact her when I want to, not touch her when I want to, not compliment her when it crosses my mind, etc. This is the reason why I expect to be at peace if she says it just doesn't work: I wouldn't want to live like this. I want to be enthusiastic, to love and be loved.
Her father was receiving the results of his biopsy last Friday — likely to be inoperable lung cancer. Her MBA class is ending on Tuesday with a final test. On Wednesday she is the organizer of an event for 200 people. Thursday, she undergoes a small hand surgery. No wonder she wants a little time. This is not all about me.
My mood is mostly fine. I've only had a bad day last week. The rest of the time, I'm at peace with either courses of action, although I expect to take a hit if the relationship ends.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm sorry about you and NG. You said you told her that you said "ILY" after 2 months with her. Did she say it back?
I am also an all- type of girl when I am ready to be. When I get there, I get there. It's who I am. I don't want to be someone I am not, but I do understand not everyone is like that, but it doesn't mean we can't have afulfilling R when the time is right for the both of us. My exNG said ILY first after 2 months. My ex H- 2 YEARS! I met exBF's daughter after 2 months and he met mine after 4 (I am pretty strict about that, he was the first ever in 8 years). I understand why that would make her nervous and I respect her for backing off with that. It's a HUGE step, and if she is unsure about the future, it's the right thing to do. It's been since March, and my exNG's daughter talks about me all the time, my D misses him, and it hasn't been easy for any of us.
Another question..... in the time line of event you gave, who led them all? Did she lead on anyone of those? Is it possible she was going along with it? Not that she didn't care or feel the same way, but sometimes, letting the other lead gives them some space and control and gives you a better understanding of where they are.
Maybe let her lead a little and perhaps she will feel more comfortable. give her the time she needs with all of that going on.
And it really is true, if it's meant to be, it will be, hang in there!
I'm feeling like I'm on the other side of you, Mozz, on the speed of the relationship. I was happy to be exclusive with New Guy. With time constraints and my generally conservative nature, I find it easier to see one person at a time. With my history with Mr. Fantastic, too, I am more comfortable being exclusive -- no wondering what he's up to.
That being said, I'm in no rush to hear ILY. I think I do love him... I think he does love me... but there is some weight to those words that I fear a little bit and I'd really rather watch and see how things go before I make that commitment. What expectations attach to saying ILY on his side? What does he think I expect after hearing those words? What does that mean to my kids? How does that change our dynamic? Frankly, things have been in enough flux for me that I just want to see them settle down and find where our mutual comfort zone is before I see where those three weighty words send us.
ALSO, and this may actually be relevant to your NG... Mr. Fantastic said ILY at 6 WEEKS and I said it back, and meant it. But we really didn't know each other at all, and that was 20 years younger. Last night my New Guy said he thought he understood me pretty well, and it grated a little. How can he, when I don't necessarily understand myself? How can he, when he doesn't really fathom the wound Mr. Fantastic left on me -- and in some cases, when I'm still processing through the implications of his actions myself? All that being said... I think that I really do love him... but I'm not sure what it means and I want the opportunity to sort that out with him when we are alone together. The complications of factoring the kids, etc. into our relationship are more than I can handle all in one fell swoop. Maybe your New Girl feels similarly, especially with everything else she has going on?
I'm sorry she backed away. You deserve someone who is enthusiastic about you. Someone who makes you learn things about yourself and who learns just from being together with you. I hope you find her at exactly the right time.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
