Moving on

[J5K]

Painter,

I feel there are men who like to talk about stuff. My WW said the same things, I buried myself in work and became distant and did not want to talk about the R and in the next breadth said I overanalyze too much.

I think men tend to get in a routine and become complacent and feel life is good and forget about women's emotions sometimes. I know I did and I still wish I could have understood WW perspective sooner. We would be in a much happier place.

Unfortunately all communication is lost now and we are on different paths. I am sure that at some point in the WAW/H's life they will look back and regret or see that they could have done something different but would never have the guts to actually change and do the work especially if there are kids involved.

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter. I am sorry to hear that you'll be leaving your job, but I think that it's a good decision for you. My hands still shake so much if I'm feeling the least bit uncomfortable that I still can't imagine being able to work in my profession.

Your real job right now is getting through all of this and coming out on the other side as a whole and healed person. Having to keep up appearances in a retail situation is a lot of pressure. Working on your art and your practice and seeing your therapist and your fellow ACA members is plenty to be going on with.

(((((Painter)))))

[Painter]

Thank you, Phoebe. So far I'm really happy with my decision.

Went shopping with son today and found some thrift store bargains (a filing cabinet, LOL!) and got his phone refurbished for a great price so I didn't have to buy a new one.

We also went by my place of practice and put up a display of oil blends I make and sell. I have a list of people who had signed up for a drawing for a free half hour treatment to call.

Feels like I got a lot done. We had a really good smoothie at a healthy lunch place we hadn't been to before.

Son was laughing at me because I kept exclaiming how happy I was to be off.

Resting a little right now, it's been incredibly hot here today. The cat is always willing to keep me company for a nap.

[Painter]

Jim, was there a difference in what she complained about before and after BD? I noticed that after BD, WH complained about odd things, so I tried to focus 180's on pre-BD complaints.

[Phoebe]

I'm glad you had a good day, Painter. You deserved a break. And a nice smoothie!

May this time bring you peace and healing.

(((Painter)))

[Phoebe]

Just a drive by, Painter. I hope that you are well and that you have had a lovely day.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

Just posted to your thread. Sorry your day hasn't been so good.

I've had a calmer day than expected (WH is away on business and OW is with him, at a place I wanted to go to with him last year and he said no).

Slept well (overslept so didn't make it to church), and I think the last two mornings were the first in the 2 months since I left that I didn't think about WH and OW as the first thing when I woke up. Nice (and unexpected) change.

Son and I have hung out - he made an amazing bbq pork roast, and I filled the filing cabinet and got rid of the boxes. We also took my dog to a large dog park (9 acres!) where we have been before, so she's very calm and content now after all the playing and running. The weather has been as close to perfect as possible.

I'm doing a little of the home office work today, since I'm seeing a friend for lunch tomorrow. I'm taking with me some flyers and cards, though, we're meeting at her workplace where I had a temp job and know quite a few people. Hopefully I'll pick up a client or two!

I got another e-mail from WH this morning. He expressed repeated concern about OW's FB-postings about the engagement ring and wedding dress that he maintains that he knew nothing about... Her explanation when he asked doesn't make sense to him. He wants to talk to me next week (maybe about that, maybe about something else).

My response was cricket. Nothing. Not a word. I have already said that if he really didn't know anything about it and they were not in touch at the time, she's crazy and he should think about how to untangle himself. Not my circus. He needs to figure it out for himself, if he wants me to not treat him like a child.

[JujuB]

Hi painter,

Just my two cents... It doesn't matter that he claims to know nothing about OW engagement ring and wedding dress. She doesn't matter at all. What matters is that he lied and betrayed. That's all that needs to be known. You Are right to allow him to figure it out for himself. You are right to not allow him to keep reeling you back in.

Great response! Glad your doing better.

J.

[Phoebe]

JujuB, you've got that right!

Crickets are exactly what WH should be hearing from you, Miss Painter. He is responsible for everything that he has done and said. OW, and whatever she may or may not have done, is just a secondary player in his drama. He is a big boy who managed to get himself into whatever he's gotten himself into, and it is his responsibility (and his alone) to sort out the consequences of his actions. He made his bed, and he has to lie (pun intended) in it.

Sleep well, dear Painter. Thank you for the group therapy this evening.

My therapist asked me how I ended up being the repository for most of the empathy in my family. I have no idea how my non-touchy, non-empathetic family managed to produce a person whose first love language is touch and who has problems with being over-empathetic. This apple fell a bit far from the family tree.

[SH_]

Hi painter,

I have been meaning to get back and reply to you for sometime now. I have been super busy, but here I am.

That is interesting that you got that. It seems the more common pattern is that WAWs complain about H being emotionally distant, buried in work, not wanting to talk. Do you feel that you are different from your male friends? And do you communicate differently with women than with men?

Yep, she hates how I like to discuss things. She did not like to talk about emotions or how to enhance our relationship. She did not want to discuss parenting practices so we were on the same page, discuss our dreams or future. She simply wanted me to know what she wanted and thought all of the time. When I did not mind read well enough, it was my fault.

I don't believe that my communication with women differ that with men. I have read a lot of material on communication as I feel it is an art that far to many people overlook. Now I am, not saying that I am an expert or great communicator, but I am always looking for better ways to communicate. But I think I take the same approach with both genders.

WH said many of the things to me that your WAW said to you.
- a good relationship doesn't require work, it just is. It's 'too much work' to fix ours.
- I analyze too much. (But it was handy at times.)
- I'm too tenacious. Won't let things go. (Often used after he had a rage, or when I was asking about affair, or most recently, when I have been upset about him moving OW into the house in secret.)
- I want to talk too much about our R. It seems to equate to complaining to him. He is probably right that I didn't say enough positive things about us. Actually, I gave up trying to work on the M at some point, because it was obvious I was alone in my effortss ... until I found out about the A.

I heard all of the same. There was/is not an A, but WAW feels things should just happen. She believes some people just don't belong together.

I see a lot of this clearly now. I think I saw signs over the almost 20 years, but I thought if I could just keep trying and just be a better husband or father, she would actually try and put in an effort.
Part of me now feels like she is giving me a gift. A gift to do things that I feel are right without having to worry about pleasing her or convincing her of anything. I can be my own man and do what I feel from the heart.

But anyway, I guess I have a horn growing from my forehead if you thought men like me may just be a unicorn....