New adventures 2

[Si_07]

So looking back at my last interaction with W and now getting around to laughing at it. She questioned my conscience about keeping the car to myself these past 3 months, so technically she hasn't had access to it for 6 weeks if we had shared it. How can someone that has shared a bed of another man while married question my conscience over a car??? Then when I get there she is all chit chatty about some second hand clothes for the kids....

I need to keep this attitude about feeling light hearted at this, it really is a much better feeling within myself to see it this way.

[sandi2]

When/if a WW tries to lay a guilt trip on the H, and especially uses words that are directed to his conscious, I think that's when he should give her an incredious look and say, "Really"! Then shake his head and laugh at the irony of her selfish blindness.

[Si_07]

Thanks Sandi, will keep that in mind for future.

[Si_07]

The things I wil take from this situation is I really understand my W (well at least the one from before) I have really learnt where I was broken, I own my share of this. I used to be so good at listening and validating without defense but as stresses (and we have had a lot of these) took its toll on me and I lost that strength to ride all the waves, to not take things personally and to just be there for the woman I loved. I'm still rebuilding, will add new parts as I go but I know my direction again, I know who I want to be. Felt much clearer today, no doubt I will still have my down days, but feel good.

I may not save my M as she has work to do on herself but I will be stronger in the end. I will get there and I know someone will get a really good one. As we met at a wedding that I was Best Man, my W always said I was the best man and the best man. I will make that guy even better.

I know everyone here is suffering but I do want to say thank you for sharing because I have learnt so much and will continue to do so.

I see now more than ever through my W's eyes, again I only have my share, but when I was broken I could only see through my own. I couldn't see through hers, I do now.

I will keep learning through this, it isn't what I wanted but I will learn. Thank you all and will keep praying for you all in my own way.

[Si_07]

So just adding some more bits to the random weird box from my W.

I have a new nephew as of 2 days ago, baby and mum doing well. Will get to meet him in about 7 weeks. So, sister and BIL had posted the arrival on FB, they are both still friends with my W. W commented on my sisters post and liked my BIL post. I find that a little strange in its on right based on the fact they know what W told me she was planning to do.
The added strangeness, is her Aunt and Uncle celebrated their 25th anniversary last weekend and W never commented or liked any of the family pictures (her side). Her BIL also recently posted a picture of her youngest nephew and W didn't even like it. So she liked and commented on pictures from my family but not her own.... Anyways, file it in the random box and move on with my day.

Oh yes, sorry. S7 had tried to call W on Sunday to tell her we pulled another tooth out. She didn't answer, last night at about 10.30, I got a text saying "saw you called, everything ok?" I haven't responded yet as it was late and this morning I was getting the kids ready for school. Should I respond, the kids are going to her this afternoon after school anyway.

[Si_07]

I feel now that my W hasn't truely loved me for a long time. To many times I heard how she wanted to love me better but never sought help or researched how. It was always me to change who I needed to be to accommodate her. Maybe she just isn't capable of it, who knows. The problem for me is I kept trying to change, so much so that I completely lost myself, my direction, my own self worth.
Maybe I'm wrong and someone can talk to me but I just don't feel any hope at all.

I'm ok with this ending, I'll be alright and I'll continue to make myself better but for years she has not looked at herself, why would that change now. She even messaged my Dad at Chrismas saying she couldn't understand why she couldn't love someone as much as I loved her. She asked me at the end of October, knowing what we had been through would I do it again, we both said yes. 6 weeks later she was done, done, done!

She chose her new friends over her family, this 'friend' over me.

I know all my mistakes, my head has never been so clear in terms of what I want to become and what I will learn from this. She told me she would be heart broken if we ever split up, all I see is a cold dead heart. She said at the beginning of this how no one was listening to her pain, her hurt. I was my own broken and couldn't help her then, couldn't hear her cries.

She said she broke but says she doesn't need to be fixed, there is nowhere to go with that mindset.

I know this has only been 6 months since BD, 3 months of separation and maybe I'm just feeling a little deflated. I feel good about myself and my direction, I still have work to do. I know I have no idea what is truely in her head and may never, I know I will not be the one to get through to her. I can only control myself and make myself stronger and better, will try to remain patient to see what time brings.

Anyways, sorry for a little venting.

[Si_07]

Ok, I'm going to write down the list of things I've heard her say or heard what she has said to others about why we have split up...

- Too many arguments and that they went on to long.
- Grew apart.
- Didn't trust her with regards to work colleague.
- Was distant, loss of connection.
- Not listening to her hurt.
- Controlling.
- Manipulative.
- Stopped her going out.
- Felt suffocated, empty and numb.
- Apparently I wanted rough sex (really no idea were this one comes from as she has always had control of this part of our relationship due to her history.) But it is a feeling of hers so need to list it.
- Only wanted to go to counseling when she ended it. (we had started before) why not before when we have struggled in the past.
- Our past has caught up with us. (we have had a up and down roller coaster relationship)
- Not respecting boundaries.
- Can't play with the kids the way she wants with me around.
- Didn't feel good to be around me (yet had no problem with this when still in the house)

Seems like a long list, when I look at it. I know from this list, the areas I need to work on and will continue to do so.

Sometimes I feel she is a WAW (has the lost hope that anything could change feeling) but does have the WW traits also. She definately built an inappropriate relationship with her work colleague and has no interest in working on the MR. So I do listen to Sandi a lot. I know I'm going against you Sandi with regard to the car and buying her half from her. It works out better for me as I'm basically buying a 3 year old car for 5000. I'm pretty sure she wanted to buy it from me and leave the insurance as is. However, she will have to search for her own without my help.

[Si_07]

So today went and bought some new boots to start hiking in the Alps, first chance will be in 2 weeks and have already picked a hike in Italy. Another new thing for me to start doing. Was supposed to be something together but will still head of myself and maybe meet some people along the way.
Planning on running my 2nd half marathon in August in Dublin. Aiming for under 2 hours this time.

[Si_07]

So bits I've learnt over the weekend. I don't ask about W from friends but do get information.

Doesn't seem to be living the wild single life but does seem to be replacing friends we had with new ones.
May not have started counseling after all.
Seems to have completely changed to friends from who they used to know.
Apparently struggling to put on weight even though she wants to.


I'm still getting random information sent to me from W, little bits about her life that really are not necessary for someone building a new life away from me.

Still working on me and using the time to do what I want and have no expectations.

Have read something that Coach posted about how what they are doing isn't really any different to what we need to do. GAL, detach, etc. Don't have to agree with her methods but it is similar to what I am doing.

[sandi2]

Seems like a long list, when I look at it. I know from this list, the areas I need to work on and will continue to do so.

So, you are believing her self-justifications she is giving other people?

This is not a "honey do" list. Throw that out of your mind. You are falling into that pit of wanting to do something to please your W. You need to stop be a pleaser! That is one of the main problems nice-guy types have. It become such a habit that they don't see it in themselves.

The only list you should work on is a list your personal goals.