Esame, You are not crazy for wanting to stick to it. You've got lovely children and a long history w/this man. You love him. So, get back to the DB basics, no more relationship talks, since you now know where he stands on the relationship and continue to move forward. It's going to be one step forward two steps back, but I know you can do this.
I'm glad MIL has finished up chemo. I think the two of you have a very special bond and you both will support each other in the days ahead. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
Esame, you are stronger than you think. You can do this!
Thank you Job,
The guilt I feel about talking to MIL on the day of her chemo is unreal, but it was not planned and I know she needed to hear the truth too. She said that FIL and her are behind me and the FIL will talk to H and try and get through to him. I advised against it, I don't think H is ready for any more pressure. He is here for the weekends, doing the gun things with the children and that about it. He tried to cover up his "special friendship" by involving other friends in their lies, if I believe the man I will have to accept that everyone around me is a liar, and that I'm some sort of monster that had no real friends. I know that's not true so I'm working hard at ignoring that part of the conversation.
I also had to stop MIL from threatening to cut him off the family if he leaves me, that is not fair and it wouldn't help. It would also make me (and the parents in law) unhappy. She is so supportive though, she thinks H is going through some temporary insanity and that it will all be ok at the end. Of course she doesn't know the extent of the crisis, she thinks H still lives here.
I don't know where to start with DBing at the moment, I'm still getting used to the new reality, to practically being a single mum and to looking out for myself.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, I'm glad that even after that talk you are still standing. I am trying to stay true to moving on but with the door cracked open ideal, and your story (as well as others on these boards) gives me strength. I don't know why, but maybe because your talk with your H was so similar to my own; even what your H said about "trying" (but really just enduring) and then being done. I'm happy you are so close to your MIL and that even though she has her own battles to fight, she was still supportive of the you after hearing the news. You are a rockstar for not giving up.
I have a mediation tomorrow and it will be the first time I have spoken to H since July 29; the first time I will have seen him since a week before that. I will be remembering you and your last sentence of your post for the strength to smile at him and be happy and peaceful when I see him.
It's funny how may of those talk thats we have with our spouses are similar, even though we are in different countries, at different stages of our relationships, different ages... For a while I started thinking that H might not be going through a MLC, he might just want out, but then reading around the forum I see all those similar stories and I can see that (at least) part of the problem is a MLC of some sort.
Today I realised something weird, that with H being so unhappy for so long now that he is gone (for the biggest part of the week) that kids are happier. It's so strange, everything is calmer and... nicer! Maybe because for now they still think that everything is fine, or maybe what H brought to the family table was not that good after all.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Today I realised something weird, that with H being so unhappy for so long now that he is gone (for the biggest part of the week) that kids are happier. It's so strange, everything is calmer and... nicer! Maybe because for now they still think that everything is fine, or maybe what H brought to the family table was not that good after all.
I think living with a MLCer brings a lot of stress into the house and kids, even young ones, pick up on that. It doesn't surprise me that the tension level has gone down a notch or two. It's such a difficult adjustment, but I think having the MLCer out of the house does give you time to relax and simply take a breath after all the turmoil. That's not a bad thing. We all care about our spouses in crisis, but in the end we have to take care of us first.
Stay strong. I truly admire the way you're handling your sitch.
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
We really miss him, it's so hard to get used to this new reality and even harder to stop hoping that things will get better. I tell myself all day long to keep my expectations low, but the reality is very different. Even though in theory I don't believe in the rewritten version of our history he came up with, some parts make sense and maybe he is a little bit of a sociopath, it would explain a lot. I don't want to end up "discounting" 16 years of my life, but it's so hard to know what was real and what not. One good thing that strangely came out of this is that I somehow don't feel like I owe him. Our relationship was so intense (I thought) that I was under the weird obligation (or a burden), because he did so much for me that I didn't see how much I did for him, and I felt like I owed him something. And I don't know if the issue was my codependency or the value I placed in a marriage certificate, I don't know. Maybe we did get married too soon and maybe we were too young but maybe you can spin any story to suit anyone's motives at the time. Sorry for the blabbing post, I don't know what I'm getting at. Nothing makes sense now, but at the same time everything is becoming clearer..
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
For a while I started thinking that H might not be going through a MLC, he might just want out, but then reading around the forum I see all those similar stories and I can see that (at least) part of the problem is a MLC of some sort.
I am still doing this, Esame! I don't know why I continue to try and rationalize my W's behavior. It was good to hear you say that.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Breathe! You are drinking entirely too much of the Kool-Aid that your h is serving up. You know what your marriage was like for the entire time you were w/him. No marriage is perfect, but you both enjoyed each other's company and had beautiful children together. He's written history and has left out the wonderful times that you both shared together.
Step back, take a look around you...yes, things have changed, but all you need to do is look at your children and know that marriage wasn't all bad. Only own 50% of what you may have been responsible for and don't even think about taking on his pitcher of Kool-Aid. They all rewrite history because of the depression. Keep in mind that depression is about the past and anxiety is about the future. He is looking back on life w/very dark/black glasses. He can't see a thing, thus, the rewriting of history. Trust me, deep down he knows that things weren't all bad.
Just remember, no marriage is perfect and there are always ups and downs.
Please stop drinkig the Kool-Aid. Keep the focus on you and your children. Your life will get better in time...you just have to have patience and faith in yourself and the man upstairs.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job. I'll try to stay away from the Kool-Aid, I'm more into coffee and wine at the moment anyway
In between overanalysing and avoiding facing facts I'm at a weird place. But it's not necessarily a bad place. I feel calm and the climate at home remains peaceful the kids are happy and H and I are... as before.
I'm not sure how long we can keep appearances to the children, but the "daddy works away" excuse seems to be working for now. The baby (well she is two but still baby for me) asks for him towards the end of the week, so maybe we should introduce a mid week visit too, but I don't know. Maybe she will get used to it.
Visiting a friend today, really excited to say the least!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Yes ... follow Job's advice. Don't drink the Kool-Aid. If you listened to my H in the beginning nothing ... absolutely nothing ... in our M was any good. It can be brutal because it makes you second guess and re-evaluate the entire R.
But I read on one of the archive threads some time ago (can't remember which one) that we hold something very precious in our minds and hearts, and that is the truth about our R. Don't let him make you lose sight of that.
Hope you enjoyed the visit with your friend.
xoxo 2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Hey Esame, Just checking in and saw that you were "in a weird place". Must be this fall season and the in-betweens of weather and emotions. Ditto what others have said. I know your visit with your friend will bring you to a better place. Have a really good day today!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
