Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

Thanks betterm
I really do feel good about be when I don't snoop. I know it only causes problems and hurt so I don't need to be doing it period
Nothing good comes from snooping
Had a great session with my IC/life coach today
We discussed the things I've been working on and learning. Over the last couple weeks I've really got better at recognizing the triggers. Not perfect obviously but much better. We discussed examples and how I've backed away from triggers and done better.
I've also begun to notice the difference between rational and irrational thoughts and anxiety. These things are crucial to coping with my emotions
One of the things that came up was the fact that I am working on me. That we aren't working on anything together. If we were working on it together we would be wearing our wedding rings and staying in same bedroom
Right now we are learning to be friends again and that's what we should be doing

[cbtdad]

What a great day yesterday!!!
Went to IC/life coach in the morning. Had a great session with her. Then I took my son to the library and we read a few books and checked out a couple more to take home. Then my neighbor and I took the kids to pool and played with them for a while. We decided to dinner at our house for the evening so I text W, more on that in a bit.
Went to workout at early evening and W came straight from work and met me there. We had a great workout. One of the trainers(very cute girl btw), said that we were her relationship goals. bahahahahaha
That is how well we are interacting with each other. Joking around and having fun together
Neighbors came over for dinner and we had a good time. W invited a couple friends of hers that I've met a few times to concert with us in August. Now we are making plans together in August not just July. hahahaha
I guess we were work on the marriage at some point since she keeps making all these future plans with me lol

Back to the text with W about dinner. It went like this:
cbtdad: "Doing dinner at our house. That ok?"
W: "Tonight?"
cbtdad: "Yes"
W: "Whatever"
cbtdad: "I don't like "whatever" Ok or not ok?"
W: "You are telling me not asking but seriously I don't care"
cbtdad: "That's a good point. Thank you for pointing that out. Is it ok if we do dinner at our house tonight?"
W: "yea"


I didn't even realize that until she pointed it out. Those are the things I am working on. One step at a time

[Accuray]

Yes, subtle word choice can have a huge impact on a relationship. So much lies in the nuance. Good for you!

[cbtdad]

Thanks Acc!
I'm trying to watch the things I say and do for sure
It's crazy that I was doing so many of these things without realizing it. But now that I know, it's a great feeling to know what I need to work on me for whether the marriage works out or not

[betterm]

Thanks Acc!
I'm trying to watch the things I say and do for sure. It's crazy that I was doing so many of these things without realizing it.

It really is. That's our subconscious behavior taking over and using our "shortcuts" that we've created in our lives to cancel out the "pointless stuff". We all create the shortcuts, we all create the patterns, and it's not really a bad thing (actually a good thing), it's what makes us who we are, it makes is different. The hard part is finding those bad behaviors and working on ways to transform them into something positive. I think you're on the right track.

I have more problems with this in face-to-face scenarios, as I don't have any way to "review" things before they've been said. In text, one way to help, is to be sure and read each word, each sentence, aloud, from the recipients point of view... before you send it! However, if you're an over-analyzer (like me), this can lead to a simple 7 word text, to be erased and re-written 30 times before you send it. sorry if i complicated things

[PacLove]

Thanks Acc!
I'm trying to watch the things I say and do for sure. It's crazy that I was doing so many of these things without realizing it.

I have more problems with this in face-to-face scenarios, as I don't have any way to "review" things before they've been said. In text, one way to help, is to be sure and read each word, each sentence, aloud, from the recipients point of view... before you send it! However, if you're an over-analyzer (like me), this can lead to a simple 7 word text, to be erased and re-written 30 times before you send it. sorry if i complicated things

LOL I have the exact same problem... I almost prefer talking to her over text/IM now then when I do have those rare face to face encounters. I suppose this is something we all need to work on though as part of GAL/self improvement not? maybe something to practice with a coach/IC?

[cbtdad]

So W is drinking it up again tonight
She also did some day drinking at the house on Saturday. I got home from work and she was kind of lit up.
She was talking about people from work, venting, giving a lot of her opinion on this and that. And I just sat there for like 20 mins and let her talk without interrupting. I was so proud of myself!!! I used great facial expressions and truly listened. I validated when needed and emphasized when need as well
Go me!!

However I am watching this drinking thing.
We shall see, but it's something I will monitor

[cbtdad]

Well I will let y'all know my mileage time when I get home this evening.
I went to go online to pay cell phone bill and I snooped.
Of course nothing to find there. But my punishment for breaking one of my goals is to run
So I will run 2 miles when I get home
It had been more than 4 days. Time to reset clock

[Coconut]

Well I will let y'all know my mileage time when I get home this evening.
I went to go online to pay cell phone bill and I snooped.
Of course nothing to find there. But my punishment for breaking one of my goals is to run
So I will run 2 miles when I get home
It had been more than 4 days. Time to reset clock

Haha, us paying a huge price for what they did (I'm not saying we didn't do anything, but she has no interest in snooping for what I did in MR) never ends... I don't run, but I think I'll go do 10 miles on my bike since I purposely went a little out of the way (1 block) to drive by the station when she was there...

[cbtdad]

LOL Cnut!!
I know what you mean
But like I meant to say on your post. I wasn't all my fault, but I own my part.
the no snooping goal I put on myself is for me. Not to try and catch her doing anything. It's me trying to learn that I have no control over that. Zero. I do have control over my actions.
That's what I'm trying to train myself.
Damn its hard trying to be a good person!!