Stopped by my dad's house for lunch. Saw my FIL (he currently rents a room at my dads). He told how much he disapproves of this and that she is keeping him in the dark on a lot of things as well. But is quick to ask him to do things for her, which as her father, he does. He doesn't want any of this to affect our relationship, which obviously it will, and I told him as much. But, also I said her and my problems are ours, not yours. Nothing against him at all, but naturally, we won't be seeing eachother much y'kno.
Still conflicted about filing for D myself. It seems wrong since I want to work on my MR. But on the other side, I need to set boundaries, which I thought I had, and she crossed them. Though, she is playing it off as me being selfish and that it doesn't matter anyway because she is moving out.
Are there any consequences you can give her other than D? Once you start that train I imagine it would be tough to slow it down without appearing weak to the WW.
Maybe let the separation play out more first while you consider things? In a way, her moving out and being farther away from you and having less access to you is a consequence in itself... because you're awesome and it's her loss, right? Stay aloof. Keep yourself busy. Let her handle the move and any resulting challenges during the transition herself. I think stuff like that can enforce your boundary without having to go to a D yet, if that's not really what you want at this point.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Are there any consequences you can give her other than D? Once you start that train I imagine it would be tough to slow it down without appearing weak to the WW.
Maybe let the separation play out more first while you consider things? In a way, her moving out and being farther away from you and having less access to you is a consequence in itself... because you're awesome and it's her loss, right? Stay aloof. Keep yourself busy. Let her handle the move and any resulting challenges during the transition herself. I think stuff like that can enforce your boundary without having to go to a D yet, if that's not really what you want at this point.
Very sensible response, thanks! As I said in my other thread, I'm a bit angry right now, so I don't want to act on emotions. I think you're right. This needs time to set in. It can always be discussed at a later date. If there is one thing that I have, it is patience. Just trying to keep all my emotions in check here. Not sure if I said this, but I also started IC to help keep myself level-headed.
If what she is saying is the truth, then there should be no issue with it. I think she's a bit angry with how I'm handling myself. Again, she's looking for anything that will validate her leaving me. It's just not there.
also, as far as other consequences. That's a tough one, because anything I hold against her like that will be viewed as a punishment. (that's how I see it) For instance, since the dogs are staying with me, I can restrict access to them. I do not want to punish anybody. I just want it to be known what my boundaries are. I think I'm still figuring them out, but this is def one of them.
I know you've mentioned restricting her access to the house - is the house only in your name or pre-marital property or something? I have no idea on the legal aspect of it, but just want to note that if I understand right and she is just informally moving out, if she still has a stake in the house as marital property you might have trouble enforcing your lockout if she resists. Just something to consider.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
I know you've mentioned restricting her access to the house - is the house only in your name or pre-marital property or something? I have no idea on the legal aspect of it, but just want to note that if I understand right and she is just informally moving out, if she still has a stake in the house as marital property you might have trouble enforcing your lockout if she resists. Just something to consider.
Here's the scoop on that..She had to short-sale her condo in order for us to get out of it (I had moved into her place early in the R), which made her ineligible to be any part of a mortage for 3 years. When we got the house (still within those 3 years), everything "house" was put in my name alone. As we wouldn't be albe to get it if she was on it.
Now legally, I'm not sure what she is entitled to being that we are married. She could probably get 1/2 the equity if things get nasty and go down that road, but everything is fairly amicable right now. There are things I could do as well, so we both don't want to play that game.
I wouldn't say she is informally moving out. She bought a condo. She has a mortgage. A new address. She legally doesn't live in my house anymore. (would also have to look into abandonment as well, but trying not to go there)
There have been no lawyers involved other than my dads friend who only offered some info to me.
I forgot to mention, we were just married when we got the house. So, house in my name, signed papers for it a married man. Her name, not on the house at all.
Meant "informally" just in the sense that it was not a formal legal Separation.
I'm no lawyer and I know things can vary by state, etc, but for reference in my sitch I had a somewhat related marital property issue I checked on when I had a free lawyer consult.
My car is actually in my wife's name because when we bought it she was able to get a slightly better interest rate. In my case, L said it didn't matter and it still counted as marital property legally, regardless of who's name was on it.
I totally understand the desire to not let things get nasty, and I'm in the same place right now, but for what it's worth I am very glad I ended up doing the consult. I got a number of questions answered and had a lot better grasp of what the potential ramifications of things could be, and even learned of a couple options I wasn't aware existed. Not knowing for sure was causing me a lot more angst than I had realized.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Meant "informally" just in the sense that it was not a formal legal Separation.
I'm no lawyer and I know things can vary by state, etc, but for reference in my sitch I had a somewhat related marital property issue I checked on when I had a free lawyer consult.
My car is actually in my wife's name because when we bought it she was able to get a slightly better interest rate. In my case, L said it didn't matter and it still counted as marital property legally, regardless of who's name was on it.
I totally understand the desire to not let things get nasty, and I'm in the same place right now, but for what it's worth I am very glad I ended up doing the consult. I got a number of questions answered and had a lot better grasp of what the potential ramifications of things could be, and even learned of a couple options I wasn't aware existed. Not knowing for sure was causing me a lot more angst than I had realized.
Right. I know for sure that she would be entitled to 1/2 the equity. L friend told me that. What I don't know is if that's the case after having left and got another mortgage on her own accord. That, I am not sure on, espcially since she is not on the mortgage.
But yea, we aren't there and hopefully never get there. But I'm not a fool and will have my bases covered.
