Moving on

[Phoebe]

Hi, Painter! I'm still just trying to get caught up, but I saw that you had a good day recently and I am glad for you. A day without tears is progress.

It's strange how we can feel like we're doing better, and then some new bit of information will kick us back into full on grieving mode. Right there with you lately.

I hope today has been a good one and that you are able to get a good nights sleep.

[Painter]

Another work from home day. Getting things done and feel less distracted and scatterbrained than before.

Going to an ACA meeting soon (Adult Children of Alcholics). Last week was interesting so I'm looking forward to it.

Talked to WH today. I had said something about his 'honeymoon' with OW in an e-mail, and he said he wanted to let me know it was no such thing. He is very conflicted, very concerned about some things related to OW, and feels numb. He's not happy, he just feels numb.

I replied that it was a relief to hear - because that's what I would expect someone in his situation to feel, it sounded more normal than anything else from him in a while. That this is why it's not considered a very wise thing to do, move in a new woman 3 weeks after your wife of 15 years moves out.

He claims that he did not see her from November 2014 until she moved in. It sounds crazy. I hope he can get rid of her if he wants.

[Phoebe]

Hi Miss Painter. I'm glad that you have found a meeting group that helps you. It's good to be seeing new people, particularly those with an understanding of what you have experienced.

That does seem rather hard to believe that you H didn't see OW for all that time and then she suddenly just moves in. Where does this fall in the believe nothing they say spectrum?

I'm not sure he is worthy of your sympathy, but you're a good person for still being able to be empathetic toward him after everything that has happened.

I hope that you are able to sleep well tonight, and that tomorrow continues to bring you peace and progress.

(((Painter)))

[Painter]

A difficult evening. The meeting was intense, and we were several who cried while sharing our stories or listening to others. But the connection is very special - we recognize so much in each other.

Then I texted with my stepdaughter, who told me that she thought OW was really very nice and that WH seemed happy and relaxed. A complete 180 from being so upset about her dad's behavior and lying. Turns out she wasn't really offended in principle, just felt protective of me. Not really what I needed to hear right now. I think I'm going to have to keep some distance to her as well, which is going to be even more painful. I feel so very, very lonely. I know I am lucky to have my son, but sometimes the pain is greater than the gratitude.

I should try to get some sleep, supposed to go to class tomorrow morning. I don't know if I'll be up to it, honestly.

[Painter]

Slept 2.5 hours. Had Starbucks coffee and went to class. Left a little early and still not tired. Have a creative class from 7-10 tonight. I guess I'll pick up another Starbucks...

The triggers are everywhere! At the class, there was a slide with centuries' old marriage records. My stomach clenched and I started tearing up.

I also quit my job today. I'm not fit to be around people, I need to give myself a month of 'sick leave' to recover. I'm going to do a scheduled shift on Friday and that's it. My boss got sort of curt even though I had let her know I was considering it. I explained that with no sleep and frequent crying fits, I'm just not fit to work around people right now.

I'm going to give myself a month to get started on a translation project I have been wanting to do for years. We'll see how I do. In a month, I'll start applying for jobs, unless my practice grows and I get more hours and a pay raise from my other employer (they are discussing it).

[srt]

Hi painter sorry to hear about your job but I can relate to not being able to face people.
I required 3 months off work when my W decided M was "done" - toughest time ever, however getting back to some form of work for the interaction and daily routine has helped me immensely.
Be wary of the 1 month dragging on and becoming 2 - my return to work was carefully managed and much tougher than I'd ever have anticipated.
Have a good evening

[Painter]

Hi srt, I agree that social interaction is crucial.

I'll give myself a month for now. I have a lot of activites going on - for instance the first of a series of figure drawing studio sessions tonight, and it was SO good to focus on art again, it takes me completely into a meditative state and stops the mind from wandering.

I also need to focus on building my holistic health practice here. I've rented a room until October and need to get some clients in there to pay for it.

Then I got my counselor and the ACA group and friends... and a book I want to translate. I like my freedom.

[Painter]

Day 2 of a course for a volunteer organization today. Not sure if the lady I'm supposed to help really wants me in there... I got the feeling she felt a little threatened! I told them to contact me if they need me.

Then saw the counselor. We talked about how WH is sending me such mixed messages (still).

Last day at new job tomorrow, I will feel so relaxed afterwards. I can tell it was the right decision. Just too much stress right now for my poor brain and body.

I'm wondering if there's men out there who like to talk about stuff (besides Zues )? Men who really enjoy talking about humans and their ways. A man who doesn't get uncomfortable discussing the relationship. A male who doesn't feel threatened if I, a female, disagree with him. That is WH's biggest complaint about me - that I want to talk about everything, and too much. Or am I dreaming about a unicorn?

Guys?

I think WH felt that I became too domineering. But I think it happened in a vacuum. He hates making decisions or plans of any kind.

[SH_]

I'm wondering if there's men out there who like to talk about stuff (besides Zues )? Men who really enjoy talking about humans and their ways. A man who doesn't get uncomfortable discussing the relationship. A male who doesn't feel threatened if I, a female, disagree with him. That is WH's biggest complaint about me - that I want to talk about everything, and too much. Or am I dreaming about a unicorn?

Guys?

I think WH felt that I became too domineering. But I think it happened in a vacuum. He hates making decisions or plans of any kind.

Well painter, this sums up a lot of things that my WAW complained about as it relates to me. She said I talked to much about the theories and ways of behaviors and people. She did not like that I wanted to discuss our relationship. She said people don't do that. Good relationships just happen and are meant to be. She never wanted to debate or give differing points of view when discussing things.
I was accused of being to domineering because of how I like to talk things out and have strong opinions.

Basically it sounds like your WH is the male version of my WAW and I am the unicorn that you are dreaming about.
Interesting description you have articulated painter, very interesting indeed.

[Painter]

That is interesting that you got that. It seems the more common pattern is that WAWs complain about H being emotionally distant, buried in work, not wanting to talk. Do you feel that you are different from your male friends? And do you communicate differently with women than with men?

WH said many of the things to me that your WAW said to you.
- a good relationship doesn't require work, it just is. It's 'too much work' to fix ours.
- I analyze too much. (But it was handy at times.)
- I'm too tenacious. Won't let things go. (Often used after he had a rage, or when I was asking about affair, or most recently, when I have been upset about him moving OW into the house in secret.)
- I want to talk too much about our R. It seems to equate to complaining to him. He is probably right that I didn't say enough positive things about us. Actually, I gave up trying to work on the M at some point, because it was obvious I was alone in my effortss ... until I found out about the A.