Great news NYGal. My mistake in '08 was to not do the work and throw the baggage in the closet and forget about it. After the "honeymoon phase" I would recommend addressing any issues and putting them to rest. If I did that in '08, I might not be here today. Best of luck
Today I'm moving the last of my things back home with W. It's been a rough 7 months. If anyone had told me at the beginning it would take this long or be this hard I wouldn't have known how to handle it. But I did. Everyone here helped a lot. My DB coach helped a lot. Divorce Remedy helped a lot and I have to say again, please everyone, reread it. MWD's message sometimes gets lost on this forum. She's the real deal and I recommend you look to her advice.
The move home is temporary and has to do with my living situation changing. I'm living there only partially, and will move into my own condo in a few weeks while we continue to work on us. Like mutation says, it's a process and we have to keep working on it.
Ultimately? I'm lucky. My W never got over me and picked someone completely inappropriate to have an A with. Lucky me!
Still being cautious, still making mistakes, and still trying to do better.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
This sounds very good! I am so glad that you're getting your own place.
It's hard to put the pieces back. I saw something about how old Japanese porcelain that was broken was put together with laquer resin with gold or silver powder in it, to create something even more beautiful out of it. It's called Kintsugi, if you want to look it up.
I wish you the very best!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
It sounds like you have made some significant progress, NYGal, and I am happy for you. Remember, you are the prize and you are in control of how things go forward. Definitely keep taking things slowly. Your W is a lucky woman and I hope she remembers that every day.
Keep us posted. It's very nice to see good news hereabouts.
(((NYGal)))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Today I'm moving the last of my things back home with W. It's been a rough 7 months. If anyone had told me at the beginning it would take this long or be this hard I wouldn't have known how to handle it. But I did. Everyone here helped a lot. My DB coach helped a lot. Divorce Remedy helped a lot and I have to say again, please everyone, reread it. MWD's message sometimes gets lost on this forum. She's the real deal and I recommend you look to her advice...
NYGal,
This post is awesome!
Thank you so much for your heartfelt endorsement of MWD's message in Divorce Remedy and your DB Coach.
I'm thrilled that things are moving in a more positive direction for you. You are so smart to recognize that the hard work isn't over. Stay the DB course and please keep us posted!
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Divorce Remedy helped a lot and I have to say again, please everyone, reread it. MWD's message sometimes gets lost on this forum. She's the real deal and I recommend you look to her advice.
NYGal - I agree... sometimes I feel like the forum pushes for a harder line vs. DR. I'm curious what do you think worked for you and what didn't? Where did you side with the book vs. the forum?
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Today I'm moving the last of my things back home with W. It's been a rough 7 months. If anyone had told me at the beginning it would take this long or be this hard I wouldn't have known how to handle it. But I did. Everyone here helped a lot. My DB coach helped a lot. Divorce Remedy helped a lot and I have to say again, please everyone, reread it. MWD's message sometimes gets lost on this forum. She's the real deal and I recommend you look to her advice.
The move home is temporary and has to do with my living situation changing. I'm living there only partially, and will move into my own condo in a few weeks while we continue to work on us. Like mutation says, it's a process and we have to keep working on it.
Ultimately? I'm lucky. My W never got over me and picked someone completely inappropriate to have an A with. Lucky me!
Still being cautious, still making mistakes, and still trying to do better.
I haven't been around in a while. I'm very happy for you. Some advice. Treat life like an adventure. Avoid ruts like the plague. Force yourself, and W, outside your comfort zones. Don't be predictable. Let her spend the rest of your lives discovering new things about you.
Don't exercise the relationship the way too many people exercise at the gym. They do the same routine over and over... It becomes dull and boring and a lot of times they quit working out. Relationships are the same. Don't allow yours to ever become dull and boring. Mix things up. Challenge each other. Don't dream about things you'd like to do but haven't. List those things out and to them....together. Maybe skydiving, maybe salsa dancing, maybe hiking through mountains, riding bikes through the park, whatever. Mix it up and watch the relationship grow and prosper. Nothing in life can remain stagnant. Everything either grows or dies. Relationships live under that same rule. They grow or they die. Yours was lucky enough to be resurrected for another chance. Don't squander it. Good luck.
Hi everyone, thanks for your encouragement. Tx, you've always provided good advice, and I fully intend to take your latest to heart. You're right. It's important to start living the dream. W and I talk about it... but life is already/still so busy that we do put some of it off. But we'll get there.
PacLove, I think first of all I was just plain lucky. W always regretted her choice to leave me, and said it never felt right. She had to take way too much time to find her way back, though! The thing that benefited me most from the forum was the encouragement I got from people. Encouragement that told me not to give up, but to move forward (not on -- there's a difference) with my life. People reminded me to be the kind of person she'd be a fool to leave. So I took the time I had alone to read, ponder, grow, make new friends (I joined a divorce group that probably saved my life), exercise, and get Botox (LOL). I had many awful, awful, awful days and especially nights. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I kept sticky notes on my headboard that said: "We are NOT done", "we will be together", and "I will get to go home." It helped me stay positive.
I didn't follow forum advice very well in doing NC. I would sometimes initiate phone calls or texts. But luckily W often did that. I would respond sooner than the forum advice might suggest. And most importantly, I think, I was kind and loving. Advice on here often sounded harsh to me -- trying to convince me that W was just having the time of her life and I should be cold and distant or at least unavailable. In my situation, I knew she was lost and unhappy, so I wanted to be the lighthouse (check out that story -- it's on here somewhere)and show her the way back home. MWD talks about kindness in her book and I think sometimes it's lost on the forum.
Different things work for different people. You know your situation best, so trust your instincts. But pay attention to what people here say, because sometimes DB means going against our instincts. Read and re-read the book; there's plenty of wisdom in there. And get a DB coach if you can afford one. And another thing? Don't listen to the negative people. It might be your family or your best friend who says -- move on, you deserve happiness, your WAS is a jerk. What they don't realize is that sometimes fighting for your M or your relationship just a little while longer is worth it. Be the lighthouse.
So I didn't end up buying the condo after all -- and I'm completely moved back home as of June 7th. I'm still looking for a place, but as an investment property, not to live there. I NEVER want to end up kicked out of my home again with nowhere to go. Maybe at some time W will agree to put my name on the house. Maybe not. Maybe at some point we'll actually get married -- we never did and I really want to have that security and level of commitment. It's one day at a time. Ups and downs. The hurt of her betrayal is still there, but she's doing her best to help me feel better. I'm lucky. And I worked the DB principles as best I could! Still am, in fact. Not perfectly. Far from it. But we all do the best we can.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
