No news, just posting to keep in touch with my forum team. Wanted to say thanks to Sandi and Zuess for the tough words that need to be said. Zuess I am halfway through your sitch, lots to read there and also lots to learn from it. I am starting to really be detached from my old relationship with my STBXW, my mouth makes this smile thing again. Went to the lake and hung out with a friend and made some new friends last night, which was good for me. Today worked on being a good dad to my S13. And gave myself some time to ride my mountain bike. So far so good I think. My mind still does wander (just like you Zuess) and starts to wonder if my M can be saved and she will come back to me. Mostly because she is still cake eating a bit. I know this will probably never reconcile. She wants nothing to do with the M and could give two SH**&S about me being her H. Working out a plan in my head to pay for L and will make some calls on Monday to get an apt with one. Thanks again you two!
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Emotions don't follow a linear path. There is a lot of adversity ahead. But you can handle it.
My IC once said people aren't afraid of bad things happening. They're afraid of the emotions they will feel if those bad things happen, and that they won't be able to handle it.
As I've gotten through this I've learned I can handle almost anything. Doesn't mean I want to, but I know I can. Amazingly that means I don't have to live in fear anymore. I can strive for what I want freely without feeling anxious about what might happen.
You can do this.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
As I've gotten through this I've learned I can handle almost anything. Doesn't mean I want to, but I know I can. Amazingly that means I don't have to live in fear anymore. I can strive for what I want freely without feeling anxious about what might happen.
Zues126,
Totally agree! Three thumbs up! (I have a third arm growing out of my back.)
Zuess, thanks again for the vote of confidence. For some reason today I am feeling anxious and nervous. I have made myself a list of things to do. Including contacting lawyer, open checking account. It makes it feel more real. I notice her drifting away more within the last couple days also. Possibly she is seeing that I am giving less to trying to make it work etc. Going dark, detaching etc. I really like your posts about redefining your R with your XW. We will have to parent our son for the next 5 years, and work together during the D. I think we have had a good R for the past 21 years, but lets face it, D will bring out the worst in people. I want to be the best I can, but not sacrifice the things I worked for so hard, retirement, good credit. It could all go south, but I will have to rebuild no matter what. Yes the fear of that thought is getting to me today I guess. But I too know that I can do this, and learn to handle almost anything. Thanks again for the support you guys, I really need it.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
"I can strive for what I want freely without feeling anxious about what might happen."
I really like what you said here Zuess. I can't wait to feel this way again. Going on 3 months where I just am unsure of myself, times of low self esteem, and scared of what my future holds. I am no longer afraid of my future, I never know what it held anyways. I will trudge through this mess, try to avoid the circus acts as much as possible, and ignore my STBXW when she is out doing her "thing" I am sick of the shenanigans, ready for my future, and done with being in limbo. I still ask myself "why is this happening to me" but then my answer is because she is a selfish you know what. So weird to watch the transformation, or what seems to be a transformation. Now that the A's are out in the open she couldn't care less about our M. I just have to realize that, and know that some day the fog will lift and she will realize that she handled this situation completely wrong. If the fog never lifts, well she will live a life of lies and deceptive ways and have to answer Him, I pray she figures it out before that and asks for forgiveness. Here I am typing all this and still in the back of my mind there is a spec of hope...just a spec though. I do have my ups and downs, and will for a long time I suppose but this site has really opened my eyes as to how common my sitc is and I am no different. Amazing to me that 50% of M's end in D, and 50% of M women cheat, just as much as men. I have a little different situation because my STBXW is a serial cheater, which is just a shock to my system. I do look at her and realize she is not the girl I M'd. Makes me sad but it is what it is I guess.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Yeah, it's gross. It's one of those things that isn't ok, but that's ok. If you know what I mean. Like it's horrible beyond comprehension...but then you just shrug and keep moving and be appreciative for what you have.
The spec of hope isn't hope, that's the spec of weakness that wants an easy way out of the pain. Just realize it isn't coming from a place of love, commitment, or anything like that. It's just weakness. No need to have hope, keep moving and what will be will be.
As for being tired of limbo...life is limbo. Anytime we think anything differently it's because we are counting on a future that's not guaranteed. Like you weren't in limbo prior to BD, because you knew you would be married for the rest of your life. Oh, wait...
Bottom line, no better time to relax and live for the moment. That doesn't mean snorting coke and listening to the bee gees (although it may), but just being the best man every day you can be as you move forward.
Thanks for the updates.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zuess, I will def not listen to the bee jees! Ha! Your words are full of wisdom, especially the words about the spec...so true, just fear, that emotion that we guys don't have.........just kidding right? We just don't recognize it as such and explain it away as something else. Making a plan, building my team and even though I don't know what the future holds, I envision what I want in it.. Because we have to strive for something. Yeah I will be connected to this woman for a long time, I have wondered if my son is of my blood for a long time, but at this point I am his dad no matter what. Doesn't matter. I feel like a friggen jerry springer episode some days! So weird because I am mostly just a normal American... Even though I forgot to vote today.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
well nothing really new to post. It seems like she is warming up and then, BAM she cools right off. I have not really brought up any R talks but she did yesterday. I asked her what kind of person when caught having an affair continues another inappropriate relationship while we are dealing with the other. I answered myself to her saying not the girl I married.
I still have hope, is it really weakness? Is this M destined for D? It is such a hard decision to make for me. I am trying to get a good 1000 foot view of things before I make it. I continue to work on myself, backsliding a bit. I got drunk 2 nights in a row at a work conference and blabbed my problems more than I should have. I sounded like a little weak boy, a victim. I hate feeling this way and today I am just down. I miss my best friend, yes she shat on me, I am disconnected more now than ever but I vacillate back and forth. I have an appointment with a L this Wednesday. It will make my situation feel more real. I hope all had a good Monday.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Okay, new stuff. I watched her leave work with the OM, they spent some time in the parking lot together. I didn't see anything go on per say, but they where definatly spending time with each other. I confronted her on the phone, she denied it. She said she was helping him with an upcoming interview that he had. I texted while they where hanging out, as soon as both of thier vehicles drove off she immediately texted me back. During the confrontation on the phone she admitted to the affair. While I was on the phone with her I drove to the OM's house and told her we should all just talk this out together. I knocked on the door and he wouldn't come out, I talked through the screen that was open and asked him to come out and we could talk like men. Of course he wouldn't. So I just left. I have an appointment with my L this afternoon. This is me playing hardball. I guess I have just been waiting to confirm something like seeing her with him before I really broke this thing loose. I did not want this divorce, but it seems pretty imminent. Feeling pretty crappy about that but it is what it is now.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
