I am finding it hard to have compassion and empathy also. I feel this is due to the pain that they are causing the M and the disconnect that exists between H & W. Try to look at things from her POV and maybe that will allow you to have some understanding of her feelings.
DB coach asked me questions and had me play the role of my STBX. I answered those questions on how she views me. I now understand how much I emotionally hurt her but not sure she will ever see my changes or if she even cares.
I know that I will always have a little hope left in me even after my D that STBX will wake up and understand that we both need to make the effort into reconnecting
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Hi Jim, I have spent a lot of today writing down how I see things from her PoV. I have learnt and seen all the hurt I have caused her. I actually started to write a letter that I don't know if I will give her. I have seen me through her eyes and do feel horrible about it. One of my biggest issue was inconsistency over the past years, I had so many loving tendencies, she even mentioned this before leaving, but was losing my temper and over reacting to things. I can say I was burnt out or depressed or the like but I still was that way.
I think spending the day looking through her eyes has led to more frustration with myself, and also why I'm frustrated that I can't just let go of my own hurt and reach her on her emotional level. I know sending a letter would be against DBing right now, hence why I want to write it but not send it.
She still got to me this weekend, again frustrated with myself with the slip up. I also think some of my frustration is her dealing with the kids. S7 wanted her to come to his soccer yesterday but she declined. I didn't ask why.
The other thing that troubles me or I find confusing to an extent. My kids have not seen or met potential OM, well not since BD. They had met him before (over a year ago) but not a word since. I read and feel how hard so many situations where WW has kids with OM, I find its the one uncommon theme in my situation. Anyway, I don't know..
I also have a Last Resort Letter that I will give my STBX. Timing is critical on when to give it if you decide to. One thing you need to add to the letter is a statement saying that you do not expect a response from her whatsoever.
I am also troubled about my boys as to who they will meet when they are with STBX. I don't think my STBX will have kids but she may be with an OM who already has a daughter if she is still with the same OM.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
It's more of a letter validating some of the things I know she was saying. Also have stated that I am not looking to change her mind, just hopin to help her heart heal. I will have it checked from my IC first also. I know I have hurt her and I know that as I broke down I created an 'unsafe' environment. She was never in any danger but I was inconsistent in who I was and was leaning on her too much that I suffocated her. Like I said, I was in my own crisis last year unfortunately.
These are things that I just don't understand and maybe never will as I see things in the logical way still. In her email, she said how we would both relish the opportunity to spend time with our kids yet will not work on the M. Like I said, I know this is me thinking logically. Yet S7 wanted her to go to his soccer tournament but she said no.... Like she makes out she wants to see her kids more but again her actions, when the opportunity is provided, seem to show little interest.
And yes I know I'm analyzing so I will hit myself with the 2x4.
ITs normal to over analyze as you want her to be back to her old self. That person is out of the building for now!
My STBX does the same with "lets focus on our daughter" but then sits in front of her computer doing stuff instead of spending time with her.
After I read some of Sandi2 posts I really got the WAW and how its the selfish acts that are commonplace within their mindset at this point. And that they believe they are only doing right and no wrong.....there is no fixing that.
I have been trying to fix/alter how my STBX deals with my daughter but my therapist quikcly stopped that and told me it wasted energy and time. You can't fix it....only what you can control which is yourself.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I know Rich, I have read Sandi's posts often and I do understand all the theory. I see the reality, it will never cease to amaze me how someone that was so dedicated to her children can seemingly disconnect so clearly. When I look from the outside, the only loss she seems to feel is the car... She tried a guilt trip on me during the last phone call. I didn't refer to it at all, but I did suggest I will look into buying her half. She mentions selling the house but before she left offered me the apartment and she would stay in the house.. I see why one of the rules is to not believe what they say...
One of the things she said hurt her was my perception that she wanted to be a part time mum, something she seems (I know my perception from the outside) to be comfortable with after all.
A friend was telling me that his W ran into mine in town a few weeks ago and said my W looked awful. I basically said, not really my problem as there is nothing I can do.
So have been aware, less than a month till our 10th anniversary, must make a plan with friends to be out that night. Kids are not with me then.
I think my lack of compassion etc is due to her attitude towards the kids. I can get the disconnect from me, the resentment to me etc but how a mother can't see her disconnect from her kids is the part I find hard to understand. Not being able to tell anyone on her side what I see and experience even if it was just about the kids is hard. I think that breaks my heart more than anything else. I can own my responsibilities for damage caused to my relationship, they have nothing to do with it yet W will forego supporting them for the sake whatever she is doing.
I feel for all of us who are going through the same thing.. It is why I will be the best Dad I can be for them.
