Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

As always thank you so much for your feedback ACC!!
I understand what you are saying and I think it's why I've thrown the "moving out" thing up to her. But you are right as usual. It was done out of emotion and not done in a calm and rational way. And sure enough when I woke up and the emotions settled that is not what I wanted. The last thing I want to do is move out. I know it would be best for me, but not for son. He even told me Saturday night when I got home from work that he was scared I wasn't coming home. Told W the same thing Sunday.
So I'm doing everything I can to prevent that.
But you are dead on when you talk about triggers. I've gotten so much better at them over the last 6 weeks, but still a long way to go clearly.
W and I had a good conversation Sunday morning when I got back from church. I didn't let it go on too long and we were in a good place when it was over.
I know that staying at home is the best possible option if I can control the triggers and emotions. I'm realizing because of my part in this that it is just going to take time. My goal is to become that person only a fool would leave, but to do it under the same roof for my son. If I break down and truly believe that that can't happen then I will move out.
After Saturday late night talk and Thursday bag incident I decided to actually right down goals in my phone and will read them every day. They are as follows:
1. I will not snoop
- no checking bill
- no checking electronics
- no checking car
Nothing! No snooping!

2. No R talk outside MC office
- zero
- no temp checking
- nothing! No R talk at all!

3. Listen, validate and emphasize
- look at people in eye when talking
- DO NOT interrupt

4. Spend quality time with S
- outside the house
- swim
- go eat out

5. Get back to having fun
- GAL
- golf
- make new friends
- meetup.com

6. No mind reading
- no one event!
- good or bad
- its a marathon not a sprint


So that's it for now. I plan on reading and sticking to these goals. I understand that this is about me becoming a better person. I do believe I can do that under the same roof. I think I've come a long ways already, but I have had a few setbacks for sure.
I do now completely understand why we got to this point. There is no question I was verbally abusive and controlling.
I use to think verbal abuse was just yelling at someone and calling them names. But now I know better, and now that I know that I am determined to fix me and become the man I know I can be

[Accuray]

Good stuff -- one thing I read said that if you make rules for yourself, it's good to also have consequences for breaking your rules. For instance, this guy decided that if he broke a rule during the day he would have to do 10 burpees for each rule he broke, and he hated doing burpees. The consequences are a way to train yourself that these things are not to be taken lightly!

Can you create some consequences?

[Accuray]

Regarding your comments on stability for your son, it's perfectly possible to offer him stability while living separately. As long as there are routines and he knows what to expect, he will feel stable. He's worried you're going to leave and never come back -- he wouldn't necessarily feel that way if he knew you were staying somewhere else and understood when he would see you. The alternative to cohabitating doesn't have to be total parenting carnage -- there are many ways to manage the situation where S will be fine.

I do believe that kids are best served by having an intact family and two loving parents. I also know that kids can get very messed up by living with two people under the same roof who don't have a functional relationship. A great thing I heard is that kids are messed up by bad parenting, not by divorce, and bad parenting can happen within a marriage or outside of one.

Acc

[cbtdad]

LOL
I will definitely be thinking of some consequences. I think for now running a mile will be my punishment. I do not like burpees, but I hate running. I would much rather lift than anything else.
I do know that the biggest consequence will be me needing space if I don't learn how to handle the triggers better.
I agree with you that there can be stability if I move out. We both agree that staying in the marriage just for him is not good. It's not want either of us want. However, if I we can do it under the same roof then that is best for him now. I guess that's what I keep looking at. Aside from the couple backsteps we are getting a long better than we have in 6 or 7 months. She text me, we communicate, we laugh, we have fun, its actually quite good except for the romantic stuff.
In the end I keep just taking it a little at a time. If it gets to a point were there is resentment, anger, fighting, etc
Then I'm moving out plain and simple

[J5K]

What is the book you are reading if you don't mind me asking?

[cbtdad]

There are two books that I have been reading
The first is ...

I first ordered this book to see what my W was feeling and experiencing. It is hard to read now, realizing how much hurt I have done and I didn't even realize it. I'm only half way through and its already touched me in so many ways

[betterm]

I just picked up ... I'm actually RE-reading the DR book for a second time right now. with more writing, and journaling involved, as I don't want to be steered in too many different directions by conflicting ideas in books. (like going to two therapists who are each telling you something opposite of the other to do).

When I first read DR, I was that dumb, hopeful guy who thought this would pass... re-reading it a second time, now that I've made some progress, is actually much different in key areas. I think differently about what I'm reading.

I don't think there is anything wrong with "backout out" on your spew of moving out in the heat of the moment. It should be perfectly fine to own your mistake and just call it what it is.

[Accuray]

cbtdad,

From all the things you've written it *does* feel to me like your W wants this to work out, and that's a blessing for sure. Take my and everyone else's advice with a grain of salt, you know your sitch best and we're here to support you.

I hope you navigate this and both come out very happy in the end.

Acc

[cbtdad]

Thanks Acc. I do feel as though she would like things to workout as well
I'm going by her actions not her words. Her words still says she doesn't know what she wants, but her actions are very positive
I was proud of myself for having patience and succeeding at a goal last night
W went out bowling for a friends bday. She said she was only going to go for an hour which I knew wouldn't be possible. She was gone for about 2 hours and I definitely wanted to check phone bill, but I was able to reread my goals and remind myself that it doesn't matter what she is doing and that I can't control that if it was something bad anyways
She texted me not too long after I was having those thoughts and said she was on her way home. I just replied ok

[betterm]

I was proud of myself for having patience and succeeding at a goal last night.
I definitely wanted to check phone bill.

cbt - Hey man, This is awesome. Your familiar with my thread, so I can directly relate. I was snooping a lot, watching the joint checking, watching the phone bill, and there is something very satisfying about killing that habit. In the very instant it's bothering you, it's based on want/fear/control, and we know those are not feelings we should be acting on.

I hope you find the same gratitude I've find in NOT snooping. What it comes down to, is that our WW's are going to what they are going to do, whether we know about it or not. My W actually started calling OM (EA) 5x more once I confronted her about the phone bill evidence. Probably just to make me mad, and it worked... for about 3 days. I haven't looked at the bill since last thursday (4 days, wow? haha), and I haven't regretted it one bit.

cbt, it only causes more hurt to us in a time where the last thing we need is more hurt, and more fuel to feed our angry, which we are trying to contain.