Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

I got back in town last night. I was walking through garage and noticed my W had a bag in her car. Like an overnight bag.
Normally I would have immediately jumped to conclusions and ran upstairs and grilled her about what the hell does she have a bag in her car for?
But I'm learning patience and how to collect my thoughts before reacting, so I did not do that. I finishing preparing dinner and the two of us ate outside on the patio. I then brought it up to her and just asked if she stayed the night at a friends or something. She just said no. I then said just seemed weird that you had your bag in your car.
Anyways about an hour later I told her sorry for even questioning it. She said she was planning on going running after work and if I wanted to go look in the bag I would find running clothes and running shoes. She said she didn't answer me earlier because she was going to just let me stir around in my head and get all worked up to whatever I was thinking. That's her way of testing me. She wanted to see if I was going to react like I use to.
I told her I didn't need to check the bag and I believed her.

It did feel good to see that, no over react, not go into the car and check the bag. All things I would have definitely done before. It also felt good to know that she is testing me and that Im doing better and not going back to my old ways.

Having said all that. These are positives. But I still for like we are very much disconnected. We are getting along great and do a lot of things together. But in the end I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is no romance at all and its something I'm not pushing. But I just feel like at some point soon I am going to get the "I've tried, but I just don't love you like that anymore" speech.
I'm very having to do what I am doing for me and I feel like I am making progress. But I so miss that physical touch and connection with my W
But I am reading a book about verbal abuse and I know I am having to do what I am doing just to have shot at saving my marriage. If I don't save my marriage I am certainly going to save myself. And for that I am grateful

[lost18]

But I still for like we are very much disconnected. We are getting along great and do a lot of things together. But in the end I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is no romance at all and its something I'm not pushing. But I just feel like at some point soon I am going to get the "I've tried, but I just don't love you like that anymore" speech.
I'm very having to do what I am doing for me and I feel like I am making progress. But I so miss that physical touch and connection with my W

I just wrote something similar on my thread. I have decided that I need to work very hard at NOT focusing on that and really refocus on me. It is easier said than done, I think we naturally need that connection, both physical and emotional.

[cbtdad]

That's exactly what I am trying to do. Not focus on that. I am just trying to focus on repairing myself first so that I don't bring this to our M or a new relationship.
I know what I want in a M. I also know that at times we have definitely had that. I've done a lot of damage to destroy that with my controlling and verbally abusive ways. I understand that now and it's something I own.
Last time we were in a bad place in our marriage she found another man. I think because of that I put a lot of worry into that possibly happening again and put myself on a "timeline"
I guess its self protection.
Even though I know it's something I can't control, it's almost like I would rather sabotage my R before she could hurt me that bad again

[cbtdad]

I'm really losing patience
I'm trying not to
But I just got into a R talk with my W
At all times after I walked in on her pleasuring herself.
And I just couldn't let it go. What is wrong with me?
Knowing that I obviously interrupted her and I just felt like [censored].
Felt like I'm useless in this house.
I flat out asked her what are we doing? To which I got the "I don't want to talk about this right now" and I kept asking and pursuing. It was so bad
I even brought up how sorry I was for the verbal abuse from the past, etc
It was awful. She just kept saying I don't wanna talk right now and I kept pushing
It was like everything I've been working on went out the window.
I even asked have you thought about me in that way(sexually)?
Knowing dang well the answer would be no. It's like I was looking for pain so I could make it easier to want to leave this marriage
I know at this point that she wants nothing to do with me romantically.
I just feel like I'm still in this house to make her life easier
The problem is i know why she is like that and why her walls her up, yet I just feel like I'm losing patience
Damn I feel like giving up

[cbtdad]

I just went into her room to apologize for interrupting her
I informed her that I've decided to move out for a couple weeks
She once again said she didn't want to talk about this at 1am, but the time isn't going to make a difference. I'm so tired of living in this house like this. It's been 6 weeks and even though we get along much better I just feel like a roommate and friend. That's all
I know that I had my huge part in our marriage getting to this place. I realize I've made her "numb" and made her feel like she can't trust that I will change.
I wonder that myself. Can I change? I will continue to work on me and my issues.
Because I don't want to bring this into any more relationships in my life
So although I will work on me, I just feel like I can't do it here for now

[cbtdad]

Off to church this morning. Of course I'm second guessing everything I said to my wife about moving out. I look at my 6 year old son and I melt when I think about doing that to him.
I had a childhood that had no stability. All I want for him is a consistent stable childhood and I feel as if me moving out rips that away
He knows something is going on, but that would be really tough on him and I know it

[Coconut]

CBT, it is incredible how close out sitch's are, even to the point we are both talking about separating.... It's so difficult trying to decide what would be best, I know I want more than anything to reconcile with my W, but at the same time I know I'm setting myself up for a lot of pain if it doesn't work out... Sometimes I just feel like if I say screw it and move on I'll be able to deal with the pain all at once and then move on instead of dragging it out.

Of course with your young S it is a different scenario, I feel for you man, I really do. I feel your pain, and am praying for you and your family.

[cbtdad]

I appreciate your thoughts and and prayers coconut.
My little guy is my driving force. If it wasn't for him i would have already moved out.
W and I spoke when I returned from church. I apologized for being irrational and wanting to talk in the heat of the moment last night. She understood more it seemed like.
We went to workout together and she gave me an early Father's Day present which was nice
Guess I'm back on same path
She really says she doesn't know because she is afraid that this is all an act and that the changes won't last. She is afraid to open up and get hurt again by me
Once again and I know this, it really is about time in my situation
I have to understand that and have patience

[cbtdad]

I was thinking as I've been reading a lot of other peoples threads. It seems to me like there really is a difference between a WW and WAW. It seems like when a OM is involved that you have to drop the rope, use LRT, things of this magnitude. Because every situation I read it only begins to change when the LBS uses these techniques. Once the OM is out of the picture it seems you can have different strategy, but as long as there is an OP then you can not and must not treat them as your spouse.
Just some observations I noticed

[Accuray]

Hi cbtdad,

Sounds like you went through a crisis there. You're right -- the best course would have been not to bring up the bag in the car at all.

In your nightmare scenario she had a trunk full of your cash and was packing a bag to go spend a romantic weekend with some OM. Even if that were the case, there's nothing you can do about it.

That's the key thing -- no matter what she does, there's nothing you can do about it. Asking her about it only made her feel:

-- mistrusted
-- under the microscope
-- responsible for your happiness

All of those are kryptonite for romantic attraction.

If you then have an R discussion late at night, nothing good will come of it as you've seen. There is nothing worse than wanting to end a conversation and have the other person continue to push and push. It makes you feel trapped and anxious.

Saying that you're going to move out and then not doing it is extremely confusing. She now doesn't know what to expect from you. She may assume that you were threatening her, or that she's a failure, or you're trying to punish her. If you do decide to move out, I think you want to be clear about the reasons why and explain them to her in a calm and rational way.

You will continue to be triggered -- things will come up over and over again that will trigger you.

If you react to those triggers, even later, it's going to come across as an accusation.

That will then kill romantic attraction, you'll feel worse, and because you feel worse you'll be even more vigilant for triggers and around the wheel you go -- stuck and trapped.

The way to overcome triggers, as I'm sure you've found, is to feel 100% confident about your own contribution to the household and the relationship, and to feel that she would be a fool to leave you.

If you feel that way, then if she cheats or leaves it's because she's a fool, and not a negative reflection on you, or a statement that you're not worthy.

So here you are stuck -- you feel that your wife is not romantically attracted to you. That makes you feel guilty for your role in things, inadequate due to her perceived rejection, angry about the rejection, and resentful because on some level you feel that she owes you some support and affection as your wife and is withholding it for no good reason when she could so easily give it to you.

That "cocktail" of emotions is completely normal and understandable in your situation, but is also toxic to your relationship, and like a volcano will lead to earthquakes and eruptions that may feel beyond your ability to control.

That is why I question if "fixing this" is possible under the same roof.

People can't love you until you love yourself. You have to love yourself not only in general, but also in the context of this relationship, and right now you don't.

Living under the oppression of withheld affection makes it extremely difficult to love yourself.

I think getting some time apart may actually be a very good thing for you in the near term, provided you communicate what you're doing with compassion and care, and not even a hint of punishment or anger.

There is a book called "Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage"

May be worth reading up on it just to understand it better as an option. You may need to "let your wine breathe" as they say rather than remaining under the cork.

Acc