JZ, I'm sorry to hear that you feel things are not getting better, but you haven't got the bomb drop that you were fearing, so that's a plus.
I would suggest not to tell your H specifically what you are doing, be more mysterious. Instead of saying that your going to neighbors to play games, just tell him your going out, if he asks for more, tell him to hang out with friends to have some fun.... If he asks for more, just say I won't be too late, c-ya...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
C, that makes sense. H knew I was planning on that already since neighbor mentioned when we were outside.
Not sure how those who know BD is coming any second handle that? I race myself with each interaction it is emotional. I do not want to give up but feel like have used last ounce I have.
H was taking nap so I took walk and then hung outside to check out stars. When up H looked around for me and then guess called. When he came outside he said what are you doing and had upset tone that I did not answer. Cannot win Ugh.
JZ, do you feel like you owe him minute by minute updates based on how he is treating you? Of course not, him getting frustrated is ok, because that's his issue not yours. If I read correctly, you were enjoying yourself, that is what matters.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
H was taking nap so I took walk and then hung outside to check out stars. When up H looked around for me and then guess called. When he came outside he said what are you doing and had upset tone that I did not answer. Cannot win Ugh.
Jzm,
Take my words for what you'd like... but this is a win in my eyes. Look at what Cnut said to you before... When you tell him every little detail of your life, he shows carelessness, disinterested, and unwilling to engage.
You disappear for 20 minutes and he doesn't know where you are? He's running around looking, calling, and then takes an angry/upset tone towards you... (remember, anger/upset comes from emotion/hurt). You don't get angry or upset with someone you don't give two cents about.
I'd suggest more of what Cnut said... do more, but say less. If he asks you, be mysterious. It sounds like he's a controller, and it seems, while he shows he doesn't care about you, or your actions... as soon as you do stuff without him knowing, he's all up in your biz...
If I read correctly, you were enjoying yourself, that is what matters.
oh yeah, and on this topic, i was advised not to do things JUST to get a reaction out of your spouse, but if it's something you truly want to do, something you feel provides value to your life (other than making your H worry about you), then do it, and do more of it!
C-I did enjoy doing those things you are right, and no do not think need to give constant update.
betterm- thanks for thoughts I agree. Figured with his mindset he would not use his energy on me especially since has been more cold and distant recently. Will keep that in mind about doing things to get reaction. Wish you well too.
Refraining from not reacting to certain things and keeping general thoughts to the point but is tough.
Feeling down...Know need to keep busy and not bring anything up but knowledge of EA and the process is really wearing on me.
H still cold/distant. tone when calling not pleasant. Other day when got home ignored me and went upstairs. I did not pursue and let be. H falling asleep while we watch tv. I continue watching some and other times go outside/walk.
I'm sorry I missed this post yesterday, I hope you pulled through okay and having a better day today!
I know a lot of people on here are against the bringing up of an EA. I was in a similar situation as you are, in "knowing" that there was an EA with OM she works with (text/phone bill records showed over 1,000 texts in 10 day period, going sometimes through 3-4AM when I wasn't around... she was with 'girls', etc)...
Every single minute was filled with conflict of confronting, or not confronting, and it was weighing everything I did down. Trouble at work, trouble at home, trouble everytime I happened to see my WW. Finally I changed plans, and confronted her about the EA. However, I did it with help/resources of others on this forum in how to execute.
Like many said, confronting the EA will not help you in reconciling your MR. It will probably (definitely) result in pissing your spouse off to the point they will rage/yell/callnames/etc. and this is exactly what happened when I did it. However, from that moment on, I've had a much clearer vision of what I'm trying to accomplish. Instead of the LBS fog, I had the EA-confrontation fog, that was clouding every last thought I had.
Now, it probably drove my WW away from me more than she already was, but my goal was accomplished. I calmly said to her, (summary inc) "I know I've done some things to get us to this point, and I've created a void and distance that has forced you to make the decisions you've made in wanting to leave this R. All I wanted to say is that I know you've been talking to another man, more frequently that someone in an MR should. I'm not telling you this to cause a fight, and I'm not telling you that you can, or can't talk to whoever you want, but I want you to know I find that behavior unacceptable in any marriage that I want to be a part of." There were a lot of interruptions, and I'm surprised I made it as far as I didn't without erupting, but after she "fought back", I just said "I don't wish to discuss this any further, but the evidence is downstairs on the table, and I just wanted you to know. If you'd like to talk about it at another time, we can talk later when things have cooled off."
Sorry for the lengthly post, but that's about how my confrontation went, and although it didn't "help" the MR, it "helped ME!" From that moment, I was able to stop snooping, stop worrying about her and her actions, stop thinking about what kind of reactions I was going to get from my WW on each given action, etc. It set me free to focus purely on my DB path of bettering myself, without having her in the back of my head all the time...
Take this with a grain of salt, as it could be the one thing that "tips her over" and it very may well feel like you've ruined your chances forever... That's how I felt when it was all done, and the next day, I felt 100x better.
