Honestly this is the price of being passive concerning affairs. That allows them to take root and kills the marriage probably 99% of the time. It's a good lesson. You have to crush affairs as soon as they're discovered. Expose to the world and get them ended. People who do that have a much higher rate of staying married.
He's no different from when we were first married... It's the same spewing and anger as I have endured from day 1. I remember thinking he was stuck in the way he communicated with Ex, and saying several times, "Hey H, I'm not Ex - we don't have to interact this way. You and I can talk about stuff without yelling." He looked at me like I had two heads. It's just how he does things, it seems.
I can get sarcastic, but I try to stay calm and rational as much as possible.
I've seen Life of Brian - I know the scene you mean. Yes, it all seems surreal!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I'm not sure how exactly you think I should have exposed it, or who to...Most of our family and friends knew, but OW lived in another state.
Exposure is just one piece of crushing affairs. It's a multi-phase approach and there are no rules. You get it killed as quickly as possible and then either work through it or divorce. It's impossible to work on a marriage if there are more than two people in it.
Honestly, in your case, however, I think the way he interacted with his ex, and now you, are a good indicator of a major character flaw with him. It seems he's repeating unhealthy and cruel patterns.
Out of curiosity, did you and he meet before he was divorced from his ex?
It's been a good day. Slept 8 hours, had a productive day at work, lovely lunch outside at a restaurant with my son, and haven't cried once so far (fingers crossed).
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
It's been a good day. Slept 8 hours, had a productive day at work, lovely lunch outside at a restaurant with my son, and haven't cried once so far (fingers crossed).
This is great to hear painter. Stay present in the moment and absorb the calm, comfort and peace and take it one day at a time. You deserve it and this is proof that you are healing and getting stronger.
Have a wonderful next 24 hours and then another and another......
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
TX, I did what I could to crush it and also take the excitement out of it. Many people knew, I was open about it, but also too forgiving.
Strangely, your post only now appeared and shows as the latest one in the thread...
Yes, this is a more extreme repeat of our story. When I met H, we were first long-distance friends (e-mail), and he said he was already separated because his W had an A and mental problems, but still shared the house due to finances and kids. We eventually became more than friends but only saw each other a few times because of the distance. Then I started getting concerned about the lack of movement towards a D and that he was lying, so I ended it. After several months of NC, I talked to him and he had moved out right after I broke it off. It became a long-distance R again and we decided that I would move to the US. I refused to come until his D was final (12 months from S).
I realize now that he was probably lying about many things (although stepkids have confirmed that M was high conflict and Ex was abusive, that Ex dated alleged A partner after the split - he left his wife for her and then she dumped him - and that they were relieved when their parents decided to split) and I was naive. It was my first M and I wish I could turn back time and let the older, wiser me guide me.
H lied to me repeatedly through the years about the A being over.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
TX, I did what I could to crush it and also take the excitement out of it. Many people knew, I was open about it, but also too forgiving.
Strangely, your post only now appeared and shows as the latest one in the thread...
Yes, this is a more extreme repeat of our story. When I met H, we were first long-distance friends (e-mail), and he said he was already separated because his W had an A and mental problems, but still shared the house due to finances and kids. We eventually became more than friends but only saw each other a few times because of the distance. Then I started getting concerned about the lack of movement towards a D and that he was lying, so I ended it. After several months of NC, I talked to him and he had moved out right after I broke it off. It became a long-distance R again and we decided that I would move to the US. I refused to come until his D was final (12 months from S).
I realize now that he was probably lying about many things (although stepkids have confirmed that M was high conflict and Ex was abusive, that Ex dated alleged A partner after the split - he left his wife for her and then she dumped him - and that they were relieved when their parents decided to split) and I was naive. It was my first M and I wish I could turn back time and let the older, wiser me guide me.
H lied to me repeatedly through the years about the A being over.
If he was willing to start something with you while he was still married that should have been a huge red flag to you as to his character. What he has been doing to you is just him being himself. He's done it before, he'll do it again. If you want to be healthy I recommend you get as far away from him as you can. Cheating and lying is a big part of who he is.
I should add to the previous post that H's ex-W actually was and is mentally ill - she has a serious personality disorder and has no contact with either of her children still. She is scary and abusive in a really, really serious way. So he didn't lie about that.
It's been a good day. I worked, then went swimming and had a nice evening with my son. I have several days off coming up - although they will involve my second job (or first, depending on how I count them?) and several interesting classes. A 2-day orientation class for an organization I'll be volunteering for, and the first of a series of evening art classes. Tuesday night there's another ACA meeting.
Had some e-mails back and forth with WH today that just confirmed he is completely stuck in his belief that I am mainly responsible for the demise of the M and he just couldn't help doing what he did. He totally twisted around something I had validated to mean something it didn't mean at all - that he gave everything he had in the M but it wasn't reciprocated.
What I actually said, was that when we first married, he shared everything he had with me and that I hoped I didn't make him feel that it wasn't good enough, because that was not true - but that I was afraid I had not been appreciative enough of that or properly understood his pride in what he shared. He really appreciated what I said at the time - until he threw it in my face later in the same conversation and now, a few days later, has twisted it into something completely different.
He says he's very sad about the M ending.
These exchanges reassure me that there is nothing left to salvage here. We are living in different worlds.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
If he was willing to start something with you while he was still married that should have been a huge red flag to you as to his character. What he has been doing to you is just him being himself. He's done it before, he'll do it again. If you want to be healthy I recommend you get as far away from him as you can. Cheating and lying is a big part of who he is.
Your post just showed up between my last two... strange lag going on.
At first, we were merely friends - mutual support in difficult times. I wanted nothing more. He was very convincing about them being separated in-house - but I got concerned and broke off contact because I didn't like what was going on. My instincts were probably spot on, as they also have been for the last several years, but I didn't listen to them as I should have.
The fact that he moved out while we were not in contact for 3 months convinced me that his M was over independently of me. I did not want to live with him until he was D, and that we disagreed on. He didn't see the need too wait, that was all my boundary.
He was in a difficult situation with a mentally ill wife and was concerned about leaving the children in her care. I felt a lot of sympathy and compassion for him. He went there after work every day to feed the children dinner and clean up the house because his wife was mostly sleeping during the day. My stepdaughter has told me how she had to climb up on counters to search for breakfast for herself and her younger sibling because their mother didn't feed them.
So it was a heartbreaking situation with more shades of gray than black and white, but also red flags I should have taken seriously. He appealed to the rescuer and fixer in me, which is what I'm working on in ACA.
It's hard to see an unfamiliar pattern when it's ahead of you - I am much wiser in retrospect!
