I wish she would drop her guard and show me some of the tenderness that she once did. Apart from the issue I had before, we didn't want for anything and had a normal family life.
I think ^^^^^^^^^^ this is preventing you from letting go. Exile, at this point....you have to emotionally let go of her and the hope that she is going to change back into the loving wife you need.
Do you understand that it is your own feelings and inability to let go, that has kept you attached to her and the whole family togetherness?
I think it may take scheduling visitation and you taking the kids with you and going outside of the family house to be with them. Every time you enter the home, it pulls at your emotions and the desire to be back with all of them. I think you really need to discipline yourself and design a plan where she has the kids ready to leave with you when you arrive, and you stay out of the house.
I believe it would help with her resentment of you "hanging out" in the house, under the guise of being with the kids. I think you are wanting to be around her, as much as you want to be with the kids. You miss your home, which very understandable.......however, she can sense your feelings and I think it is going against what you wanted to accomplish.
It is high time to get tougher with yourself. You must develop some type of life apart from your W and kids. You need to develop a hobby; get involved in some type of volunteer work helping those in need; meet new people and make new friends; go to places where people gather; do things for fun; go to the mall and be around others who hang out there........it's better than walking the streets (I would think). You are so focused on how lonely you are, and will be, if you don't reconcile, that you are not giving yourself permission to have a life outside of the dream of going home.
It appears that she has tried to tell you that there could be a possibility for a new relationship with you, some day. But you must get out of her space! She wants to feel freedom, and she doesn't feel it when you are there with her.
I suspect you give off a sense of being a little pitiful. This sounds bad to say, but it is a turn-off to a WW. If it should stir some guilt inside of her, it will make her angry and she will direct that anger at you. Surely you would not want her to take you back out of pity.
The WW is attracted to the man who is self confident in his own male strength, in who he is as a man, and that he certainly isn't needy or clings to anyone. He is happy-go-lucky, yet he can be firm, fearless, and assertive. She must sense that you do not "need" her in order to be happy in life.
You have said you don't know how to assist in her experiencing loss, due to her decision to break up the family. The first and most important loss she needs to experience is losing YOU. How can that happen if you are there at the house?
It's time to drop the rope. Am I saying to give up all hope? I am saying to stop trying to save your MR right now. It is not working, the way you have been dealing with it. I am speaking, hopefully, in a language the LBH'S understand. Let go and stop trying to save it. I think that is the only way you will turn lose.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My WW asked me to leave the house and I did. I know it's against DB advice in general, but my IC said differently. He said in this day and age it was incredibly easy for a woman to get a man kicked out of the house with trumped up abuse charges, and that could impact future custody as well. I was better off moving on. Personally to me a house is just a possession and can be replaced, so I left.
For 5 months I was staying with friends. But here's the point- my DB coach told me it was *imperative* I got my own place. She said as long as I was staying with friends and visiting the children at the old house, it would seem to WW that I was peering in the windows trying to get back in. And that for her and for me I needed my own space.
I got my apartment and it was the best thing I've ever done. Looking back, that was right around when I was first able to start truly letting go. Sure, it was lonely at first when my children weren't around. And some of the hardest times of my life were when I dropped my kids off back with their mom and had to leave.
But it didn't take long for this apartment to become my home. It is small, way too small, but then again it is cozy. All 3 kids sleep in one bedroom. But we spend time together. They play together. We read together. It is very close family time, which I know they need. Now we'll move in few months so this apartment turned out to last 2 years, but while I'm excited about a nicer place and the kids having their own room, I'm a little sad about the end of this era. I'll never forget the time we spent here, it turned out to be about as good as it gets.
I'm not sure where you're living, but I think getting your own place to live would be a good move, and having the kids over at your place even better. Then do what you have to do to get 50% parental time.
Trust me, instead of feeling like you're missing out, WW will start to see she is missing out when you're living a full life with your children without her.
And, as in my case, if she is too far gone to register, then you are also rebuilding a life that you can feel good about without her.
You've put all of your eggs in the basket of her changing for far too long now. Time to assume she won't and lead your children.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I echo Zeus and Sandi, I have needed the space away from WW to rebuild myself and it wasn't going to happen in the same houe together. I had to hit rock bottom a few months ago to start going back up. Don't fear it, it will happen but then you will move forward, not necessarily move on yet but you must move forward.
The space has allowed me to see the problems from a better perspective, (as I once read Coach say, to look at the relationship from outside the fishbowl) to see were we both made mistakes. We can keep having our pity parties or we can step up, grow and learn from this difficult time. It has taken some 2x4's here and from family and friends to keep me straight at times but you do get there. I also look back to who I was before, to rebuild that confident man who handled anything and add the new things I am learning.
Read books, especially into what women find attractive, write down your positive qualities (we all have them and the list is longer than you think). Focus on these and improve yourself.
Search posts from Coach, I have found alot of really good posts by him.
And as Sandi told me, if you are always watching her your ship will sink, let her go. Life your life and embrace the time you have!
My stbx had a bit of an outburst tonight which was interesting. I asked her if she wanted to join me and the kids for a meal tomorrow. She said that she would rather I just took the girls..she then began by saying that she knew that I was still hoping to get back with her. She said that she thinks that over the last few months, I have become a better person than I ever have been in the marriage and wonders if it is because we are no longer together. She says she likes me alot and even loves me but not in the way I want. She said that she has fallen out of love. She feels that it would be easy to take me back the way I am now but cannot put herself through anymore hurt if it all went back to how it was. She wants to schedule time to talk to me alone as we only ever discuss the kids and this whole situation has been massive for both of us....
So it appears my 180 has been working even though I haven't actually tried to change. I have just been kind to her and helped her where I can. My D8 thinks I am much nicer now and loves being with me.
What now though? We are friends but she either doesn't feel in love or is keeping me at bay. Is she conflicted? She wants to remain friends for the sake if the kids...really? We have years of being 'friends'asthe kids are still young..am I in for a long fight to win her heart?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I have been reading the post from zues123 and yes I agree that getting my own place is my next move. I am viewing a place tomorrow and hope I get it because rentals are at a premium in my area. I know I have been waiting around, hoping my WW will change her mind...but she hasn't. I don't think she would rule anything out in the future but for now, I am getting nowhere. I too want to have the kids with me for weekends and enjoy time with them without being told it's time to leave. Today my WW asked if I could go round to the house to fix a blocked sink. I went there because I knew that I would get to take the girls to the park. My WW didn't even offer me a glass of water after doing the repairs. She has this mentality that she needs to keep me at a distance and keep reminding me that we are divorcing! Does she get a kick out of it? I almost feel sorry for her as she is just spiting her own face by her actions. It almost seems like she is faking it to show no emotion...The girls on the other hand have told her that they have no favorites and love us both the same, which must have hit my WW quite hard.
Anyway, like zues123 said, his WW felt left out of his time alone with the kids..I think my WW will too. I just need to figure out how to detach from her completely. I know that my own loneliness is a big factor here but are there any ideas out there to start me off?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Been a strange few weeks. I really thought I had turned a corner and become more independant. Then one evening..she calls to say the kids wanted to see me. I went over and she threw her arms around me. For the following weeks, she became more approachable and friendly...until she went to her moms house for the weekend..and now wants space and to not see me too much as it stirs up bad memories! I am feeling lonely and not back to where I was but feel down and treated badly. Why would she blow hot and cold like this? She wants to cut down the days I see the kids as it's difficult for her to be around me all of a sudden..should I just go dark for a while? How can I protect myself from her games?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Been reflecting on the Sandi2 advice that I need to stay away from the house. Up until now, I enjoyed going to the house, spending time in the garden playing games and doing bath time. My W seemed ok with it all. Now that I have my own place at last, she wants to change the arrangement and have me take them to my place instead as she wants more space and feels that we have been spending to much time together. I thought I was coping ok and even felt like I was moving on until she decided to put the wall up again.
It seemed ok whilst she needed me to help her buy a new car and to give her support with the kids and yes, it's all about what she wants....she has even been encouraging me to look for someone else if I need female companionship as she still believes I want to save the marriage...as if that's a bad thing?!
Another factor, is that her sister has just separated from her husband too adding to the problems.
She says we have a friendship and cares about me, knows I am good natured and a good father. She also knows she has issues but has not shown any willing to attend therapy...maybe I should take the hint but it still feels so wrong to me what's happening. It is hard to completely let go.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I don't think I was ready to accept your advice until now. My W's attitude towards me changes all the time so I am never sure weather she means what she says but now that I am about to move into my own rented house, she has said that she we spend too much time together and I need to only see the kids at my place. I accept that I wanted to go to see the kids at our home because for short periods, everything felt normal and I could spend time with my W even if only to make small talk. It was like a short respite from my day to day nightmare and disbelief that the divorce was actually happening and gave me hope that little by little she may come round. Well, it hasn't worked. She says she was miserable in the marriage but likes the person I am now. It still doesn't change anything though and I just don't know if it ever will. I figure that if I was to start again with someone else, my current routine would not be acceptable. Also, I am getting tired of being knocked back and told that I can't let go.
I am not sure if keeping my distance will improve the situation with my w but I am open to suggestions as she seems to watch and wait until I am coping better and then reals me back in by doing and saying nice things to me. It's as if she knows that I am distancing myself from her or even senses it. I don't want to push her away as we have to co-parent our D4 and D8 and keep a reasonable relationship, but is there an easier or more productive way to navigate through all this?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
