i have been wanting to respond to this post for a while now. I always get so happy when I see you've posted on my thread! Your posts really help me to examine myself.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Ju,
Know this, when another is ready to see they will, if they aren't they won't. Stop'showing' your change, that will come across as in authentic. What changes can change back. Instead work on you.
I agree with this completely. I am in a good position right now, because nothing I do is done with the thought of my husband in my mind. I remember in the beginning of my situation I would agonize over what to wear and making sure to have make up on when my husband would pick up son, and now it's not even a thought.
And you are right. It came across as sad and pathetic. And I'm right back to yoga pants and running sneakers during the day because it's functional for me. I exercise a lot and run after my wild beast of a son. I no longer want to reconcile. So my changes are not really for him. To be honest I won't really be able to implement the changes and things I learned until I am actually in another relationship.
The sexiest organ of the human body is the mind.
I love this comment and I agree completely. Maybe it's also referred to as chemistry? I know everyone is different, and that there is a huge difference in sexuality between genders. What attracts people? For me, it's definatly the mind and interaction and story. We went away for a bachelorette party a while ago and I was so relieved to not have to go to a male strip club. I'm not morally opposed, but it would be Completely repulsive to me and not something I wanted to spend money on. But some of my friends really wanted to go. I don't get it. But again everyone is different. I think it would be safe to say more women then men would think like me, but not even all women.
It's wanting to know what is a big turn out for your partner and what isn't, as it pleases YOU to know. It's doing something for theme because it's sexy for you. So if being tied up to a lamppost singing stars and stripes isn't for you don't do it as it hurts and is damaging for you then certainly not. If your other half wants to wear a tea cosy on his head and it's harmless go along.
love the imagery on this. You have quite the imagination vanilla! I have a feeling your partners are very lucky men. This sounds nice, not me singing...ever. But one day having that relationship with that type of exchange based on the mutual desire to please and be pleased. Something to look forward to, but feels foreign as its been so long.
In my view your priority for your sexual need was low and thus your comment about low priority for his. It is his job to satisfy his needs not yours. Drop the guilt on this aspect, and say you didn't prioritise YOUR needs. As long as you concentrate on him, you miss out on you. It sounds the same and it's not.
Why not?
This was very true. I think being a mom was something I just wasn't prepared for and I am not happy with how I handled it. I did not prioritize myself at all. I didn't want to spend any time or resources on myself Even when I could have. My role became mother and nothing more. I no longer felt sexy or sexual. I was happy to be a mom, but not happy or really satisfied because I didn't balance things well.
So start being sexy for you, learn how to turn you on, so that you are sexy. If that sounds cold too, it is rather. If that sounds planned it is too. It's deliberate.
So what do I do?
It starts in the mind, with the thoughts of sex, it starts with dressing well, nice underwear, looking after my grooming, feeling well, being at my healthiest. Clean fresh breath, makeup.
I think I left the wrong impression on you. I love clothes and shoes, expensive hair salons...a bit too much! But I'm also practical about it. I'm not the mom wearing high heels to go pick up my son after school, but I love having an excuse to dress up. I still have tags on a lot of my clothes because I don't know where to wear them. Lol. I don't like to drink, but I like an excuse to wear something nice.
But here's something that I cannot let go of... I was like this before becoming mom. Husband met me like this. But These are superficial things. The fact that it devalued me to my husband, when I stopped bothers me. I mean really bothers me, because it shows that he cared little for the deeper things that I brought into the relationship. And he didn't care about the deeper things. This devalued me enough for him to leave and treat me pretty badly. My needing him during a health crisis devalued me. Him witnessing my parents eccentricities first hand devalued me in his mind as well.
I am very uncomfortable with the thought of not being "perfect" for someone. I do not want to be vulnerable and I really am right now and I think that's what I have to figure out.
my confidence levels change daily though so who knows if I'll feel like this tomorrow.
Texts and other firts.
And yes occasionally it means getting me ready for the bedroom including getting the juices flowing. Then knowing what I want and asking for that too. As well as what my partner wants. It can mean negotiating, taking turns. It can mean a cosy night in, a fun night out, a sexy movie and a shared bath.
. Sadly not my present situation
That's me, you may wish to examine for yourself what does this for you. Then go do some of it. Not to show another instead to show yourself. That means for you, and that is a permission from V for you to have an A with yourself. No other person to be involved but you. These are skills you learn for you. Trust on this, others will notice. Really it's true, they will. And this way it's permanent.
OK so what is superficial about demonstrating you look after yourself?
Especially in ordinary ways. Such as clothes, shoes, etc. It's fine to be you, authentically you and that'somehow the most important thing of all. More important than perfection.
That isn't superficial lovely lady.
It's core self worth.
And those clothes with tags, get those out, wear them to do the hoovering. It doesn't take bars or drinks, it takes a few planned nights.
Go do it, sounds like wonderful GAL to me.
Get some MORE sassy back. V gives you permission.
As if you need it
LOL
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My husbands weekend with son and Tonight's planned night is to go make chocolate lollipops for my best friends bridal shower. At least my aunt and mom are helping me, so there will be interaction
Today was rough. I actually couldn't eat because husband wanted to talk to me (on phone..rather then text every 5 days) after work. Knowing he wants to talk always upsets me. I knew it was just about logistics, but I also knew he would be asking about whether I found a mediator yet. And I was right.
He spoke to me so casually about it. Even joked a bit. Like we were arranging dinner plans. I kept my tone just as casual..but of course I had strain in it. His casual was actually completely natural. He was happy and pleasant about it all. At least we are agreeable and friendly regarding son.
It's so surreal, how much of a stranger he has become. He just slowly withdrew and detached. And it hurts.
He lives with his mom...but often when I see him, or my cousin who works near him sees him, they notice a different spare shirt neatly hanging on a hanger in his car. (My cousin Noticed this from very beginning)
This hurts too, but it kind of makes it easier in a way.
I know, I know! I don't know what's wrong with me. I am procrastinating on the legal aspect in a really awful way. Once I get through this, there will be closure. I can proceed with my life...especially my career. Which I will discuss more with you in future.
So why? I have no hope for reconciliation. I don't even want it because by non negotiables have been reached. I think it's stemming from fear of the legal process itself. I feel ignorant and vulnerable. Like some one who has to go for surgery but does not trust any of the doctors they are consulting with and has no medical background or connections. It's really stressful for me and I'm just putting it off.
Jjb, I understand your stress. I have so many strands of white hair from the past year.
I realised that you have to fight the fear. Do a lot of homework online. Find out what it is that you need and how to get it. Maybe you can try asking the other dbers?
I wish I could help you but I have a totally different legal system here.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
This sounds nice, not me singing...ever. But one day having that relationship with that type of exchange based on the mutual desire to please and be pleased. Something to look forward to, but feels foreign as its been so long.