im kinda stuck in this hot and cold stuff with her right now. shes texting me several times a day one day. and then nothing the next. when we see each other her body language says im happy to see you and be around you. but when im getting ready to leave, she gets anxious at the thought that i may try and hug her or something. we havent committed to giving us another try yet. we both agreed to give it some more time. until we are 100% ready. she mentioned dating each other. but she hasnt set a date yet, and im not ready either. so i guess we're in the awkward, stage of lets see how this goes...i dont really like it it here.
when i pull back, she reaches out. when i give her some attention, its welcomed and reciprocated. but not for very long.
its pretty much a text and see each other for a 1/2 hr. when we have a kids exchange thing.
sould we stay here for awhile, and let things build?
my buddy is going to let me borrow a book that claims to be a super weapon in getting women to fall for you.
If it's one of those pick-up artist stuff, throw it out. That may work in a bar of drunk women, but don't bother using it with your W.
There are some worthy authors who have written sound advice to both genders informing them what the opposite sex likes & and doesn't like.
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she kept talking about her plans for tonight. she is having friends over for a camp fire. i kept waiting for her to ask me to join. but she didnt. and i sure as heck wasnt going to invite myself over. but im wondering if she wanted me to ask due to her talking about it several times. and asking me what i planned on doing later. i was casual about it. saying oh, i have a couple of maybes for tonight. we'll see what goes down.
Maybe, she did, but that is game playing. Why can't she just invite you over? I would guess it might be her pride......or else she is checking to see if you will pursue her. Don't do it! She needs to work to get you back again!
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she offered me the boys again today, so of course i took them even though its her weekend.....
Time to surprise her and have your own plans for one of the weekends she so freely offers the boys to you. Otherwise, she could start taking it for granted she make plans for every weekend.
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she then said i know that you dont want to hear about this, but i think that you should know, that my feeling for OM are fading fast. that now she realized that it would have never worked. that she would have been unhappy with him. this is a first for her to admit it. she says that the feeling arent totally gone. but that she no longer sees him as an option. that now that the spell is broken, that all his flaws are coming to the surface. etc.
What was your reaction?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
yes, ive read most of the book and its mostly garbage for single guys. but i would love to read a book that fits my situation a little bit better. any suggestions?
as far as the kids thing goes....ive realized that on one hand, its a trap to get me over to her house. and she uses the opportunity to talk to me. which so far, has turned out really well. and she only lets me have the kids for an hour or two in the afternoon, so its not like she is going out partying.
my reaction to her getting over her OM....i cant remember exactly. i do remember that i didnt make a big deal out of it. i surly didnt congratulate her. i just kinda said, oh good for you or something like that.
i figured something out this morning. SHE DOES NOT RESPECT ME !!! she didnt when we were married. she DID when i pulled away completely. but somehow when things took a turn for the "better" she lots all respect for me. and some of it is my fault. i have been answering to her beck and call the last week or so.
she needed help with the swimming pool. i was there. she needed help with the kids, i was there. this morning she needed a copy of the insurance card. even though i gave her one a few weeks ago. and like a dummy i sent it to her.
i asked her last week to watch the kids for me this weekend for 3 hours. she was going to ask her mom to do it. and as of yesterday she forgot to ask her.
last night i got someone else to watch them. and i am going to approach her on it today when i pick the kids up. im going to tell her that i dont feel respected, when she "forgets to call her mom for a week"
also i need to start telling her NO. i need to gain her respect and i need to start seeing her trying to impress me. ive been a whimp, trying to impress her. dang it! now im angry
and i am going to approach her on it today when i pick the kids up. im going to tell her that i dont feel respected, when she "forgets to call her mom for a week"
Let me suggest to you that you take a different route in giving her the message. Don't talk to her about how this makes you feel disrespected. At least, not at this time. You really must learn how to get the message across with your actions........not words. The WW will dismiss the words........but pay attention to actions.
Until the two of you have fully reconciled and she is actually committed to the MR, I think you have to view her as wayward. Her behavior, perhaps, has improved on some level.......but until you see a complete shift in her attitude/treatment toward you.......you will need to use actions as a method to show what you won't tolerate. I mean, effective boundary setting.
When you feel she is taking you for granted, pull waaaaay back. Stop being available to run errands, keep the kids, fix her problems, hang out when she's lonely, and free to chat.
When you feel disrespected...........how can you show her you no longer tolerate disrespect? Some spouses have to be "taught", and I don't mean in a punitive, vindictive type of teaching them a lesson. I mean you teach them through consequences. Large or small, if the disrespectful person never sees any consequences for what they are doing, then why would they stop? B/c they love you? Nice thinking, only it doesn't work that way with a WW.
Although taking a person for granted can be seen as a level of disrespect.........we see it displayed almost every day in our world.......maybe even in our own homes. So, how do we teach our children and the adults in our family to stop taking advantage and not take for granted the other person?
As I previously suggested, you absolutely need to stop keeping the kids on her weekends. It doesn't mean you don't want them. It means you are abiding by the visitation schedule and getting a life on your free weekends. And, she really needs a wakeup call about "offering" the kids for you to keep, b/c now, she's kind of expecting it and will take for granted she can be free on any weekend she chooses. Therefore, I believe you need to have made "plans" for the weekends she is scheduled to have the kids.
The next time she wants to meet for lunch (or whatever it was, when she kept you waiting), I would suggest you show her how hesitant you are about meeting her for another luncheon, or keeping the kids while she doesn't bother getting home when she originally said. The first time she asks, you can give a small laugh and say something like, "I don't think so. The last time did not work well for me". If she wants to know what you mean, just tell her to think about and you feel she'll figure it out.
I don't think it requires coldness and/or anger. I think it requires strength and, maybe even sternness. I think it requires a keen awareness and determination not to fall back into those old habits from either spouse. I see where a H could be strong, calm, and even having a sense of humor when he watches his WW try, and fail, her manipulative methods. He can't lose his focus by having a few good days/weeks with her. She is going to test him. That is a promise!
Two things happen when the WW fails at manipulation. She gains respect for him, and his self-respect is boosted. At first, she may be get angry when she can't manipulate him. The longer she has used this method......the tougher it could be to break. Eventually, she will either respect him or she'll move on. Either way should be a win for her the man she disrespected and manipulated.
WW's are notorious for showing disrespect for the LBH'S. They have to see they no longer get away by treating the H in any form or fashion of disrespect. And until you can sera big change in this area...........you do not need to move in together again. It is vital to rebuilding a healthy relationship.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you sandi. just in the nick of time too. ill be picking them up in an hour. and ive been rehearsing what i would be saying to her.
but instead, im going to say nothing and hopefully at some point she will realize that she failed to ask her mom for me. when she asked what happened, ill just say that i found someone else to do it.
in the mean time. im not going to follow your advise for the child care on her weekends. etc. thank you
i went over to grab the kids. and she says, i got my mom to watch the kids for you. i respond with. oh, ty, i got someone else to do it , but ill cancelled that. and bang !!! big fight starts.
she says, oh you thought i wasnt going to do it? so you side stepped me??? and wasnt going to tell me???
big fight about everything under the sun....
fight ends. we stop. actually talk to one another and talk about how this all came to be. how we both should have handeled it better and what each of us was thinking. i thought that part went extremly well.
then she gets into, ya know, if we would both just be nice to each other and put in the work, we could make this work. but....i just dont know if i want to put in the work or not.
