I do find the timing of this email strange, something just isn't sitting right especially given the questions I was getting from my son also this week..
I would not give it the attention she intended by sending you that email. To me, she is wanting some type of pleased reaction from you.........as though you are really impressed with her.
It appears she is using her little boy as her source of information about daddy's interactions with any females. That seemed evident in him feeling that he needed to tell his mom about daddy talking to another woman. I mean, he's only seven yrs old! He may be a very sensitive and smart child, but I can't help but believe he has been instructed to keep his eyes and ears open and tell her everything.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok Sandi, so I do have to respond but am taking my time about it. She doesn't know I have spoken to a lawyer, that is clear. She is looking for things to work out better for her, that is also clear. I have my hands tied a little by the legal points regarding the house but she also wants to 'work together'.
For the car, she is offering to buy my half but I have no doubt she is not considering he whole cost and how she will insure it. If I buy her out, it works better for me as I don't have to deal with registration costs, new insurance etc. It does help her in a way by giving her some money but she will have a hard time finding her own car due to only driving automatic. With the budget she will have, that will be difficult. She talked about a court battle but I'm sure that won't happen till a divorce is final when I would just sell it and split the money.
For the kids it's not really changed, she wants to move D3 again which can be ok but she isn't looking at the next months when I have the kids away for holiday during the daycare closure. The one she wants to move her too is closed the 3 weeks after we are back from holiday. I will not have any spare days and she hasn't indicated taking them anywhere or taking the time off. However again mentions working together.
There are some other items that I will have to bring up which work in my favour that I haven't taken care of yet.
I guess I'm just wondering how much information I share when I respond.
Another question Sandi. Can a WW become a WAW in a way that you would treat them differently . Currently it doesn't change my direction or my work on me, and I'm not saying my W has done the work on her that needs to be done.
You knew Coach and Greek, I have learnt a lot from going back through their posts. I know for Greek there was no one else involved, and she was still angry even after returning home. Reading what had an effect on her is also interesting reading.
Haha, W just doesn't seem to know what she is doing half the time. So, she went to send me an email last night, only half came through. I replied only that it didn't work properly. Later I get 'take 2'. I didn't respond.
I have just received it again tonight, 'try 2', saying sorry for the half email yesterday... blaming the storms for her internet problems. Was no storm last night....
Sometimes you just couldn't write this stuff..
Have a good night all and remember to believe in yourself!
Probably did the wrong thing today... There was a misunderstanding about the kids schedule after the holiday period and I had something on today but I took my kids. They wanted to come home rather than stay with her and I decided to take them. I think it says more that they wanted to come home than stay with her. I wasn't quite as cool and calm as I wanted to be, I just picked them up and left in a hurry, I just don't see anyone I want to be with anymore and I have no expectations that she will ever look at herself.
Feel free to use any 2x4's that you see fit.
I am happy to have my kids, S7 has a soccer tournament tomorrow that I'm pretty sure she has no intention going to. I was going to go anyway even though I wasn't expecting to have the kids.
Ugh!! Little frustrated about myself today. Let her get to me a little. I think part of my issues is in not really sure I want to save this anymore. I am a little conflicted and maybe I need someone to talk to me now...
I have an old friend that is single, and we always got on well. There was a long period when we were not in any contact but picked up our friendship a few years back. Nothing has between us and our contact was very irregular and mostly just checking how each other were. She was with a guy for awhile but last month broke up with him. The contact coming from her has been more often over the past few months, and I hear from her a couple of times a week. We haven't talked over the phone or anything, and I know both of us would be in a vulnerable position so have kept away from that. I'm not looking to begin anything though.
It's hard to see my W turning around, just having been with her for 12 years and seeing how certain parts of her that have never changed that I've struggled with over the years. So many times I heard her say "I want to love better" ( even told me that the day before she went to this other guys place the first time). So many times I got told "I have to get to know you again", so many times I heard the words "I tried" but so many times the actions rarely followed. I do wonder would it just be better to start afresh with someone else as my W and I have so much hurt under the bridge. It is what she feels, that our past caught up with us are words she used.
There does seem to be so much in the way, a decade of roller coaster emotions and struggles mixed with good times and family. I lived for the last 10 years in different languages, have had many jobs due to moves, cut backs and just getting what I could to bring some money in. So many times I have done the things needed to help our family, but it has taken its toll on me and my W's relationship. Finances were regularly tight due to the decisions we made, job losses, etc that just meant we didn't have the vacations, nights out etc that we should have had.
I'm not blaming myself, even though W is, we made decisions together and signed things together. I did get burnt out, mentally and physically over the past year building our house and wasn't who I wanted to be or needed to be. However, I also can't take the responsibility for my W looking outside when I needed support. She was suffering for her own burn out, it's funny, she complained about feeling like a single parent when I was working on our house and how she hated it. Yet here we are now, living it for real.
The other part I struggle with understanding, when she has the kids she does get involved with other families with children but sometimes I wonder is this just to help her cope on her own. Does mean she is getting lots of support in her 'new life' and I'm also feeling like I'm up against a lot. Guess this makes me feel like my family won't get back together and I need to move on. I know I'm supposed to do that anyway, as I know my M is dead as it stands. I have accepted that. I just feel she has way too much support. W isn't as interested in the kids when she doesn't have them though, as expected she doesn't want to come support our son at his soccer tomorrow. He wanted her to come.
Anyways, sorry for the mixed rambling. Maybe I should just write stuff on paper instead.
I can relate to your frustration. Stay strong. I understand that living like this is difficult. Take time to think about what you really want. I am praying for you.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I think another part of my problems are when I see her I just feel disgust, I don't feel love, compassion or anything. Just feel disgust for her lies, her attitude, her attitude to the kids....
Don't think I'm doing a great job of being a lighthouse at times, maybe I have gone too far towards coldness. I just don't like communicating with someone so antagonistic, so frustrating, so entitled.... Difficulty is having to because of the kids which I do and keep it business like. I don't fill the airwaves with random info, just keep it to the point when I feel it's needed.
I guess I'm just tired of being seen as the 'jerk making her life difficult', I have no doubt she is painting me this way. The car being a prime example, that I haven't shared it with her, that I've 'kept it all to myself'. I don't feel guilty about it, isnt weighing on my conscience. She has not come and asked me to use it at anytime over the past 3 months, hasn't gone and got her own. Could I have shared it, probably, could I have made other arrangements to get to work, sure....
Sandi, you will probably slap me for this but I am looking to buy out her half. It makes my life easier, I don't need to shop around, I get the car we bought new so I know the history. She will still have to go get her own on a small budget and this will be difficult for her due to needing an automatic. I have not done anything on purpose to be vindictive or make her and my kids life difficult, she chose to leave.
She keeps saying how we can save trouble by working together.... How do you work together with someone that only thinks of themselves.... She hasn't got the house (which I think she wanted), she hasn't got the car ( which is clear she wants), she hasn't got the kids 100% ( which she said she wanted). She hasn't had me bending over backwards to help her in her new life....
I know DBing is counter intuitive and if it feels wrong it's probably right. Definately have that feeling at the moment.
What I want is to build a life with someone that wants to be part of it. Someone that can look at their own behaviour and acknowledge their flaws as I acknowledge mine. Someone that can admit when they are wrong rather than blame others. I guess someone that is not my W... I know I don't need my W, I don't even feel I want my W. Am I wrong to feel this way? We are supposed to be here because we love our spouse unconditionally, to understand there is something going on with them that only they can sort out. I know there are no guarentees, that our spouse may never change their thinking, that we do this for us and make ourselves better, that we have no control of the outcome.
The difficulty I'm having is really finding it myself to have compassion, to have empathy for someone that doesn't give a hoot. Someone that for so many years has blamed me for my failings as well as their own, someone that has never considered changing the dynamics of her being to affect the relationship. Someone that as a researcher by profession, doesn't research how to work on a relationship, someone that always expects someone to do that for her.
I nearly walked away from this relationship many years ago, have questioned it on several occasions in the beginning (in a period of heavy depression), have constantly tried to change who i was, to listen to the complaints and adjust. I recognize I could have read more, learnt more earlier in this relationship. We all could have, should have etc etc. We didn't and here we find ourselves. I lost my way, my direction through the years to the point I broke and became someone I didn't want to be, angry, impatient and resentful. It took this move be W to make me wake up, I get that, I own my share and am working to fix me.
I have seen her at her worst now, I was willing to stand and fight for something better. She saw me at my worst and ran. I don't blame her per say, like I have always admitted, I was my own stages of broken. She told me once she broke, gave up and quit. She also told me she was going to have an affair, going to sleep with someone else, going to have a relationship elsewhere... She tells others she doesn't want to be with any man, I have no doubt she has been having an EA yet no one seems to be able to tell her how damaging that is, how lethal that can be to a relationship. I don't even think she would acknowledge it anyway.
Anyways sorry again for the rambling, it's been one of those weekends.
I also think a lot of these thoughts are coming from frustration with myself for slipping up a bit yesterday. Avoided her guilt trip and her attempt to fight on the phone but did slip up after picking them up with a bit of a sarcastic comment. Sarcastic humor, something that was part of our early attraction, is part of my personality and normally stays in good humor but W does have a way of me just wanting to rip my hair out.
Also have frustration that I will have to sit with her at some point and work a bunch of stuff out financially. Need to get myself sorted out again for that.
So I wanted to tell a little story. Having read many threads and seen how many go to church, I'm not a church goer myself, my W's family are all Christian. My FIL is a retired minister. Anyways my story.
So my W and I met at a wedding, my FIL was the official. During the rehersal service he went for some prayer time. At the end of his prayer, he asked if there was someone here for his D. Apparently I then walked though the door, he took it as his sign that I was the one for his D, he made it a mission to get to know me. At the wedding, I was best man, and during the evening my W and I hit it off immediately. It is so hard to be in this position now when our connection was so instant in the beginning. Some say things happen for a reason, that there is a plan for us. We had so many people say we were right for each other, she used to say often about how we met that I was the best man and I was the best man.
It's hard knowing I hurt her so much and have been hurt so much. I know that I lost my way, I went to far into being what I thought my W wanted and gave up myself and too much of what I wanted for me. I was broken, I can admit that. I'm am on the right path forward, it will continue to take time and I know it may not save my M as she has her own work to do. As she said to me, she broke. We were both broken in different ways and came apart. I think what's frustrating is knowing so much but not the outcome. I can only continue working on me and see what happens.
