Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[Phoebe]

Old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2682680&page=1

Well the case of WH v. Phoebe was officially filed in his state on May 16, 2016. It's a sickening thing to know. Plus, it means that I gave this man way too much of the benefit of the doubt, so I am SOL to file in my state and will lose at least 5 or more years of spousal support because he did it first. The state he's in, and also the magistrate/judge that is scheduled to hear the case are not at all generous with support. Kicking myself, but I was standing for a man that no longer exists.

It's yet another monumental betrayal of trust. 25 years of life together and I didn't rate high enough for him to even talk to me about it. I have never been so disappointed in anyone in my entire life.

My T says this says a lot about H's character.

So, some journaling:

I started out incredibly shaky this morning. Again. I so wish that would stop. It got a bit better, so I met my walking.music, and now skating friend a the ice rick. I noticed as soon as I got on the ice that I was not in the best of shape. It was like the perfect storm: freshly sharpened skates sharpened in a way I've never skated on before, super shaky (even my legs), quads and glutes tired from biking so hard yesterday, so I couldn't stay low and on bent knees, and newish skates that are not quite worn in yet and have a nasty aggressive toe pick. I fell twice in the first 5 minutes. Had to go out and sit a while because I was shaking so badly.

I'm used to falling, so that wasn't such a big deal, and I didn't hurt myself. Much. Didn't do my ego any good, of course. I usually fall when I get tired and start having a hard time keeping that damn toe pick off the ice. I can hear it starting to drag a bit at first,and then a full on trip is only a matter of time. That's how I know it's time to call it a day on the ice.

BUT, here's the final wave of the perfect skating storm - I was hypoglycemic on top of everything else! Even my legs were shaking. Some water and half a donut and I was good enough to back out, and didn't fall again. It was a golden skate, meaning 50+, but they welcomed me anyway, and said I could totally come back anytime. There were only about 10 people on the whole rink!!! I've never, ever been on ice with so few people. If I had felt better it would have been perfect!

After that I drove home, and was on my way back to the city when I got a call back from the L in H's state, so I pulled over to talk. She was able to tell me about the court documents filed.

I was on my way to get my car serviced, so I started driving there again, when I felt the stupid tears starting again. I had to pull over on the side of a big busy road and I talked to my therapist for 25 minutes again and took Xanax while we talked.

This evening I went to my WeightWathers meeting, and I had dropped another 3.6 pounds this week that I didn't have left to lose. I go for the people, by the way, and obviously not the weight loss. (I'm 20 pounds below my once difficult to maintain goal. Now I have the opposite problem.) I spend time with my Mom, I sell a couple dozen eggs to a fellow member, I chat with others who think I am so star weight loss champ (little do they know that I'm the only person there that feels worse to lose more weight), and I generally have a nice time. I've known some of them for 2 1/2 years now. The leaders know what's going on and cheer me when I gain a bit of weight and look worried when I go the other way. Today I got "the look."

Anyway, I got myself my first getting-a-divorce present right before the meeting, thanks to those same W-Watchers connections - another 3 chicks!!! A fellow member happened to be in the agriculture store at the same time I was. In this state you have to buy a minimum of 6 chicks by law, but I only needed a couple to replace the 2 that died. She happened to be buying chicks, so I glommed onto her purchase!! And I bought three because chicks are so darn addictive.

So now I have 9 chicks. 6 are 2 weeks old and 3 are newborns. (new hatches?) The first chicks are HUGE in comparison. I have to keep them apart until they get a bit closer in size.

So, anyway, that was my day. Time to get my stupid process papers, and time to retain that lawyer in H's state. $5000 retainer. Sigh.

There is only one true silver lining to all of this - I never have to see my MIL again. Priceless.

[Phoebe]

Thank you Painter, JimKao, and Grl Dory, for your support. It's been a day, that's for sure.

SparrowHawk:

It's going to be easy to be respectful, because I intend to not communicate with him beyond the barest minimum possible. I am better than all of this garbage. I am honest and I have shown integrity and fidelity and dignity. He will not see me angry (even though I really am right now). He will not see a single tear, and he will never touch me again. "Let out a deep cleansing breath of f*ck that..."

End trans.

Hearing is set for 7/26.

Today I saw two contractors I hadn't seen in about 9 months. They were looking at me a bit funny, and it took them a moment to be sure it was me (33 pounds off is starting to be a bit drastic). They asked about a building project and so I just told them about H leaving me and filing for divorce. It's amazing how supportive people are.

I was reading in one of my books yesterday about telling my story. The author says that if you are one of those whose spouses literally abandon you, then you should take it as a compliment. Really. It shows how afraid the WAS is of your awesomeness, and you should tell your story over and over and over again. It was kind of an empowering message, and you know what? It's true. As soon as I tell anyone at all how H ran away from home on the night of our 20th anniversary without a word and then sent me an email for Christmas to ask to separate, they are utterly appalled. Because it takes a special kind of schmuck to do that to someone he said he loved the same damn day he ran away.

Tonight will be a sleeping pill kind of night. I'm still wound, it's 1:45 am, and I'm still in my house and not my usual sleeping quarters. Wonder when I'll start transitioning back to sleeping in my own home? Maybe when I am sure of guaranteed daily interactions with other humans it will be time. for now, I'll stay elsewhere so I can see my parents every day.

I forgot to mention that my walking/music/skating friend took care of me at the rink. She made me sit down, got me a cup of water and found me that donut and sat with me. It was good. And another woman skating left the rink to make sure I was OK, too. It's good to be cared for.

In comes another wave of tears. I was just thinking how much I miss the little daily affection of marriage. H and I touched all the time, a hand on a shoulder as we walked by, a hand on a leg while driving, holding hands as we walked, just little things all the time, right up to the end. Cold turkey affection withdrawal is awful.

A couple friend hugs a week doesn't begin to make up for the loss.

[Painter]

Oh Phoebe, I can hear the pain in your voice. It is such a traumatic event, the betrayal and deceit. I hear some anger, too, though, and I'm glad you're taking action with L's.

Can you discuss with your L to approach WH with an agreement that is more in your favor? After all, going to court is a real risk - he is not going to be guaranteed to get everything he wants. Judges have a lot of discretion.

Also, could you possibly fight jurisdiction?

On the personal side... I missed those things you describe during most of my marriage. It was the reason WH felt I was never happy with him - he rarely showed any affection, and didn't very often touch me in a non-sexual way, and I needed that. I was so starved for affection and that may be what I'm so sad about now - that I waited so long for it and now it's never going to happen.

I am amazed that your H could do that until the very end. But I guess some people are able to compartmentalize like that. It must be very odd to live with that, almost disassociated.

It's 1am here and I had too much chocolate ice cream so I'm pretty wide awake.

[Painter]

Phoebe, I wanted you to be aware of this:

"Unfortunately, a party may unknowingly waive any jurisdictional arguments they may have by responding to a pleading. Any response other than an objection to jurisdiction is deemed a waiver of any arguments that may be available to the party."

This is from an article on Divorce Jurisdiction I looked up. Make sure you discuss this thoroughly with your L...

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, not much time to post - but just wanted to send a big hug..

(((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))

Xx

Will look in on you later

[JksD]

There is only one true silver lining to all of this - I never have to see my MIL again. Priceless.

This. Made. Me. Chuckle. Because I know what you mean.

It's going to be easy to be respectful, because I intend to not communicate with him beyond the barest minimum possible. I am better than all of this garbage. I am honest and I have shown integrity and fidelity and dignity. He will not see me angry (even though I really am right now). He will not see a single tear, and he will never touch me again. "Let out a deep cleansing breath of f*ck that..."

Classy. Standing ovation for this.

(((Phoebe))) You can do this!

[rich4j]

Phoebe

Catching up on your sitch and I am sorry for you.
The papers getting finalized is a punch in the gut. I got my surprise in January and I lost my breath when I got these and froze.

In fact felt like throwing up for a few days and being the same house was the worst experience of my life as I wanted to throw cold water on her to wake her up.

But now you have to protect yourself. going to any court will be alot of $$$ so hopefully the L's can get to a quicker settlement between the 2.

I am just starting to read another book that a friend recommended called Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce.....and bulding a new life

So far its not bad. Stay strong!

[BluWave]

((((Phoebe))))

I just got caught up this morning. Oh my! This fool. What a FOOL he is. Words are almost lacking at this point. I have no doubt on some level he knows he is not worthy of you.

You have done so much self-reflecting and growing. I just want to say that all the details--of Ls, paperwork, monies, etc--will work out in due time. Please try not to let that overwhelm you or add any more shaking.

You will be, and are, so much stronger than you realize. Because of this you are attracting quality people to you that are worthy of your time and love. This fool is making his own bed and can lie in it for years to come.

The universe has a way of working these things out.

(((Phoebe)))

[Ggrass]

My first mil was a great woman we never had a fight and got along really well, she was dead 3 years before I met her!

Xh2 mum, she was a nasty piece of work, xh2 said comstanlty she hated me along with her sil his aunt he said had the pivotal role in my being sacked as a wife as the preferred the ow. She was every thing I was not.

To me not having to see her was awesome, the once I did she pretended she had never ever met me! Weird.

She has since avoided me like the the plague and I love it.

My paperwork is still still dragging out, but who cares. I'm am learning how to do what works to get me the best possible deal.

And you know what is far easier than I thought! Cause xh2 has not changed one bit, me I'm very very different even tho it doesn't feel like it to me.

[Phoebe]

thank you all for checking in on me and your kind words and support. Yesterday was tough. Today was actually really good.

The underlying reason it was good (the final interment of my granma's ashes wasn't great, but it meant that my larger family was all in one place again on a beautiful day in a beautiful verdant place. It's a small rural community and there were two interments today, so both families got together, scheduled the services back to back, and then both families and guests went to the same restaurant and had a group buffet dinner with drinks. It's a small community and there were so many mourners in common that it just made a lot of sense. It was really really lovely.

My brother is in town for a couple days, and I don't see him very often, so that's great, too. He's staying in my house, and I'm here in my usual sleeping quarters. Strange, but it works.

It's so good to spend time with people that you know and care about, and who care about you in return. That last part, especially.

Still have not officially been served. What the heck kind of process servers are these guys if they can't manage to catch up with me after a whole week? All I've gotten was that silly card on my door telling me to call them. How about doing your job? If I hadn't talked to the L in H's state I'd still be wondering if H really did it without telling me. It's better to know.

Anyway, time to try for some sleep. I'll have to get caught up with everyone after my brother leaves on Saturday night.

Sleep well, and I wish everyone a nice weekend.