I go to the gym almost daily and when I don't I go out and run for an hour or longer. That helps me a lot - seems to help sweat out the stress and anxiety. I am still studying for an exam I have to take but not much. My time gets filled in with the kids sports otherwise - I coach one of my kids softball team. My W has pulled back from feeling obligated to go to the kids sports games etc these days - focusing more on herself and her needs it would seem. If she doesn't have anything else on the go or it's not early in the morning (she's not a morning person) she will go to the games but that seems to be about it these days.
I would like to get out and GAL a lot more but this exam has been weighing on me for months as I keep pushing it back as I've had a difficult time focusing on studying. I need to get this done and out of the way but it requires me sitting in a room studying for weeks on end and that is the exact opposite of what I feel like doing right now. It doesn't leave any time for reading any other books (5 Love Languages etc) either unfortunately (I wish I did have more time). I also need to move into a better paying job to relieve some of the financial stress around here - this is also weighing on me. But, I just paid to have my resume professionally re-written so hoping that will help.
I find my mind wanders into the negative territory too often. I allow the current circumstances to cause me anxiety and that really gets to me. I think too much about my W and what she is doing and I know this isn't healthy and I try and snap myself out of it. Sometimes I can, other times not so much. But, she is on my mind all of the time these days and I need to figure out a way of removing her from my thoughts when I'm trying to work, studying, with the kids etc. I've really struggled with detachment but believe this is the key to my success, with our without my W, moving forward. I've read a lot here about detachment, Cadet has posted stuff for me but I still really don't get it. I am faking it and not showing my emotions to the W. But, that doesn't help me feel any better when alone. If anyone has a 'Dummies Guide to Detachment', please send it over! I read somewhere that anytime I start to think about my W to just tell myself 'this isn't helping you'. Again, if I'm well enough rested it can be easy to turn those thoughts off as I have some ability to reason, but I generally don't sleep well so am constantly battling sleep deprivation which complicates all of this for me. I think I may go see my doctor to get some sleep meds. I believe some solid sleep would help me immensely. Maybe then I could better get my head around detachment.
On the GAL front, I am going out of town with about 20 guys this weekend golfing. It's an annual thing we do, my W and the rest of the wives are doing a girls weekend at a campground the weekend after. I am looking forward to this weekend but I don't want to be constantly thinking about my W when I'm away. Would ruin the whole experience for me. Question, I'll be calling home once a day to talk to my kids and I can call their cell phones directly (instead of going through my W) and that is what I will do but should I communicate directly with my W while I am away (checking in etc). My feeling is I should just not communicate with her at all while away. She doesn't communicate with me day to day as it is.
Ended up seeing the doc and got a script for Ativan (lorazepam) - best sleep I've had in years and no grogginess in the morning! Removes the anxiety and allows you to sleep. Took just half the pill (0.5mg). Will use it 7 - 10 days straight before bed and then stop using it. Hoping this will get me onto a better sleep cycle. Will keep a few left over just in case of a bad day/night.
Also taking herbal Kava during the day which seems to help (pretty mild so really hard to tell but hasn't made things any worse).
Just getting ready for the boys weekend away golfing. We leave tomorrow morning bright and early for a late morning tee off time. Should be a lot of fun!
Nothing really new to report on the W. Still just co-existing/living and mostly hanging with our best friends who are also a couple. I guess I should be thankful for having time to try and turn things around.
"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"
Lol - have watched that one for too many times!
Thanks - should be a good time.
Yea, my batteries were completely drained. Feel better today now after two good nights sleep. Although the guys I'm going away with like to party so will be a fair bit of drinking and late nights so will be pretty tired come Sunday. All good guys who are happily married though - no shenanigans with my buddies. I was supposed head out tonight but I don't think I can handle three nights of partying with these guys. I'll take an extra night of good sleep for the marathon golf and drinking weekend ahead of me lol.
Had a great time this past weekend golfing with my buddies. W asked me how the weekend was when I got home and I simply answered that I had a good time and that the weather was great (since we were golfing). I then asked her how things went at home and she said good. And that was it. I know my W probably wanted to know what we did at night while away etc but unless she asks me specifically what I did while away I won't offer it. I doubt she'll ask though. Either she doesn't care or doesn't want to show she cares. Nothing all that interesting went on anyway.
Back to her retreating to her room and closing the door, not eating dinner with us. Must admit I'm getting a little tired of it. If we are going to rebuild our M let's get on with it. But it seems she is content to wait and she how things play out. I'm assuming she is waiting to see how she feels about me over time. She won't miss me as we see each other everyday. Not sure what will come of this. I know deep down that the only way I really want her back is if she becomes re-attracted to me and will show it. I can't force her to want to be with me. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing - no other choice.
She did text me twice over the weekend about some things she could have done herself (email the baseball coach that our son would miss the game) and something else that she could have told me Sunday when I got home. I do deal with the kids sports more than she does but she could have emailed the coach herself since I was away. I ended up doing it from the golf course.
I'm glad you had a great time golfing! I hope you can get out and do more of that kind of stuff.
You know, my house is on a golf course and I've lived there for almost 16 years but I've never played golf. I've been tempted, but I'm more of a Frisbee guy.
I was just reading through the 'Last Resort Technique' and while my W has not said it's over (she has said she's not sure she wants to stay in this marriage) but she has been sleeping in another room for about 6 weeks now and we barely talk to each other. I haven't been pursuing my W in any way and have stayed busy going to the gym and running outside of the house after work otherwise taking the kids to their sports etc. The result has just been a stalemate. She still gets mad sometimes (like she used to) but for the most part she just ignores me and tells me nothing of what is going on in her life - I don't offer any details of what's going on in my life either. Because we still hang with our best friends who are a couple we end up spending time together but it's not time we actually spend talking together, we are just in the same room but talking to other people if you know what I mean. Many times I've felt like trying to break the ice by trying to talk to her about us or our R but I feel fairly certain she is going to push me away so have stopped myself.
She did say a while back she just needs some time and space and that is what I've been giving her but our life just feels like it's in limbo and faking a M around our friends and our kids. She just walks around like she is resentful towards me, and it is how she makes me feel,- not friendly, indifferent and only talks about things about the kids etc. She was supposed to call the MC about a month ago but she hasn't and I don't know that I should bring it up. I don't know what else to do.
While my W has made a lot of changes with her career and keeping busy going on walks with her friend, I don't see any change in the way she interacts with me (still angry and negative) when she actually interacts with me. She really only talks to me about the kids or if she is upset about something. I forget sometimes that this is what she has been like for years and as much as I love her, I don't want that angry person back either. Seems she is only that way with me.
Wonder if our expert moderators have any suggestions?
Stop talking to her and going places with her altogether. If she comes into the room just get up and go somewhere else or ignore her, grunt, whatever. You don't deserve to be disrespected like this. No need to get angry just don't let her nonsense in your life anymore. You can control you and what you allow in. So take control. Actions are stronger than words. Show her with actions that her disrespect has consequences (consequences like shutting her out). Don't be afraid she of her leaving, in a sense she's already gone. Don't ask her about the MC either, that would seem like pursuing or controlling. Back away and act as if you don't care what she wants and instead appear nonchalant towards her. She may get more angry, be calm and walk away, let it roll off. No reaction is still an action. Remember, ACTIONS not WORDS. Be too busy to care whatever she is doing.
And don't forget you need to GAL like crazy. New activities, fix your own issues, etc. Appear happy whether you are or not. She will notice your positive changes, positive energy and new life without you saying a word. Actions, not Words
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I don't know that ignoring her anymore than I/we already do is going to help. We barely communicate as it is. I'd like to find out what is behind this seeming resentment, she just acts like she's indifferent, uncaring towards me. This all escalated once she moved out of the MBR and into the other room (I had moved out of the MBR for 3 days and then decided I was moving back and then she moved out - it's been 6 weeks like this now). It was after that that she really started to act cold and disconnected from me and has slowly gotten worse.
It's been a long time since we've talked about our relationship and I guess at this point I'd like to know what we are doing. We sure aren't working together to try and rebuild our relationship. Just feels like my W is waiting some time to see if she truly wants to be with me or not. I'm really not sure at this point. As I said, she did say she needed time and space.
Things are going well for her career wise as of late (which is a big change) so she is on a high and feeling confident where, for me, work has been awful and have not been able to get into a better job situation and that is also wearing be down. She has the upper hand being detached and happy. I put up a good front for the most part but it's just that.
After months of ignoring each other I sometimes wonder if she is looking for a little attention from me. My fear is that I would show some attention but she wouldn't respond to it leaving me feeling exposed and having pursued. So I have not tried it.
