continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[SH_]

Pairs. Papers. If they are served its all the same right?!? Lol.

Keep up the good spirits for this. It really is not as bad as it sounds.
Have you practiced in the mirror looking the process server in the eyes and thanking them for the service....while growling ...grrrrrrr

[Phoebe]

OMG. I wrote a small novella talking about my day and then my phone died. All gone. Seriously???

I may have even written the great American novel! Lol. Still it was a good hour's worth of work, gonzo.

I did demonstrate the growling technique for my Mom this morning, so I think I'm nearly ready to face the big bad server, SH. I don't suspect that I'm going to be very easy to track down. I'm doing stuff everyday all over the place and have no routine.

So. Here's a much briefer outline of my day. It's all about brevity this time around:

-The morning was kind of rough once I started making my legal phone calls, back to my quaking aspen impersonation, so I had the breakfast of champions. Xanax.

-I got nowhere with any of the three new places I called. One didn't serve my county, and the other said my household income was too high. I called one or ate attorney and spoke with her assistant who said she would call me within a couple hours, but nothing all day. That wasn't good for z first impression.

-I spoke with the L I saw locally about a month ago. I may go pay him for another hour to see what my chances are to get my case heard in my home state vs. H's state.

-I saw my therapist today, ehich was good. Talked about H way too much, but given the H-induced breakdown this poor man had to talk me down from on Saturday, I guess it's to be expected. He sent me home with a book on rebuilding one's life after divorcing. I guess that's the stage I'm at these days. Chance of any R is pretty minimal. Another book I just bought compared the truly repentant cheater who want to work at the R a "unicorn." A rare and magical beast. I'm just working on me these days.

-I did my post-therapy-therapy again today, a 2 hour or so hike in the park nrlearby. I love being out and hiking again.

- I did go to that wind quintet concert and it was great. My walking (and now classical music) friend actually coordinates s classical concert MeetUp group. I went on her personal invitation, but one of the real group members went on the tree walk a couple weekends ago. I even remembered her name, so that was cool.

-After the concert, we (myself and walk/music friend) walked around town for at least Anoth hour z d a half, so I'd say I got in plenty of good exercise.

-Got a new tube out I my flat bike tire. That literally took about 4 minutes. I felt like I presented my tire to a NASCAR pit crew! Awesome.

So, to sum it all up (FINALLY - Clif Notes), the day started tough but got really good as the day went on. I was certainly busy all day long. Legally, no actual progress whatsoever.

My new L friend did a lot of hand-holding for me today via text as I worked my way through all the legal calls. His main message: there is no real urgency here. It's a time to be thorough and deliberate. It really helped to hear that.

Well, it's after 2am and I need sleep. Last night I didn't do too well, so I'm hoping for more ZZZs tonight.

Holy cow. This was the SHORTER version???? The other one must have bee 2x this. Scary.

I wish everyone a peaceful night and a beautiful morning.

Almost forgot! I had s gray fox vocalizing in my yard just after midnight tonight. It was super cool!

[Phoebe]

Please pardon all the fat finger issues above. Journaling on a smart phone is t all it's cracked up to be.

[JksD]

Phoebe, I hear you about the fat fingers.

I wonder if you reread your own posts. If you do, what do you get from them? Are you unbiased enough to hear the strength, the calm and the resourcefulness emanating from it?

Phoebe, you are a strong woman. Sure, you may falter. We all do but the lovely thing is that you bounce back, and usually quite quickly.

You have such a great well of strength. Continue drawing from this well in the days to come.

I lurk and don't always post because Spartow Hawk is giving you such good advice and you've got such a good head on your shoulders. But I still enjoy reading your posts.

[JksD]

Sparrow Hawk...

[SH_]

Good evening Phoebe.
So I replied to this last night and then lost it all. Sound familiar. Anyway, I feel inspired to reply to this for a couple of reasons, that hopefully I can convey in a clear manner.

"Amy, wait. Don't cry. Did you see how you landed? No human lands on all fours like that. Amy, I think this means you're a unicorn." - Shawn Achor

Oh, it still isn't my thing, SH!!! Thank you for the praise, though.

Oh, but Phoebe! It is your thing, and I will continue to sing you praises and let me share why.

I mean, the walking friend hit on me the first time I met her, and the biking/L potential friend is male.

And this is exactly why it is your thing. You have made such great efforts to step outside of your comfort zone to attend things with a vast array of people that you were bound to run into folks and make friends with such people. I mean, if I told you these were the folks you would meet and make a connection with, would you have stepped out of your comfort zone? Seriously you will look back on this some day and giggle

Danger, Will Rogers!

I love the movie quote, but, c'mon now. What danger is there in your relationship with these individuals? I have not heard any danger in your posts in your interaction with them. Heck, I think you will look back on this someday and get a chuckle out of it. And who is to say a nice friendship does not blossom with them. I mean, if I am reading correctly you are continuing to spend some time with them correct?

I am so incredibly naive in this department! I mean, I met H as a kid, really, and I've been out of the whole singles scene for my entire adult life. I never really learned how to navigate the waters.

Are you really so naive when it comes to meeting people? I think we are all a little naive ,but isn't that part of the process. I don't think there is a manual to how one goes about meeting and "navigating" interactions with others. Yes, I understand the hesitation for you, for me, for anyone one that has not been single for so long to think of it as a world different than we are accustomed to, but, what is the single scene really, other than people like you and me. Some may have been single for a long time, some may be in our situation, divorced, chronic dater, etc. But in the end they are all just people, like you and me. Right?

I'm looking for friendship, and only friendship, but that may, or may not be what another person has in mind. I've lost any skill I once has in recognizing the difference. I thought by focusing on meeting women that I could eliminate any potential romantic issues, but even there I ran into deep water. I am astounding unsure of how to proceed. No way am I interested in anything romantic with anyone, but I do need and want friendship. I'm good at talking to people one on one, but dealing with these underlying currents... Not so much.

So you are looking for friendship. Easy enough. How do you know what the other person has in mind? Well, I know you know the answer to this, but I will state it for the purpose of making my points here (and I like to hear my self talk. LOL).
You talk with them. You state your intentions and ask about theirs. Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you have this conversation with your walking friend who hit on you? And you are still meeting up with her, correct? It appears that you have navigated this pretty darn well to me. You, my dear Phoebe, have dealt with the underlying currents like a champ.

It doesn't help that for my whole life I have always 'clicked' better with men than women. I'm just not at all girly, so a lot of common feminine subjects don't resonate with me. I've never had a manicure, and I don't like shopping. I wouldn't recognize a Jimmy Choo if someone hit me over the head with one. My first best friend was a boy! It's the reason I was so bonded to H, and also a big reason I have had so few friends over the years. Marriage makes opposite gender friendships risky.

Anyway, I have a lot to learn about making friends, that's for certain. Fodder for therapy, I suspect.

It also does not hurt that you have clicked with men better than women. I know plenty of women like that and you will run into them as you continue to make contacts. I would also venture to say this is not why you have had so few friends, as you say in your life. That is probably more because of your connection to one person at a time. This is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it is more of an introvert thing. But even as introverts, we have decision each day if we will attempt to make connections socially. And you are doing that now as I read from your posts.
You may or may not have a lot to learn about making friends, but I do know the best way to learn anything. It is to get doing it. And again, you are doing it, right?

So now I want to wrap up my rebuttals to you post here, and I want to do it by asking you to hang up the phone with "evil Phoebe" because you are ruminating way to much on the past and the hurt from relationships and or rejection you have experienced.
Your post is all about rumination and "evil Phoebe" telling you things that you would not let a friend tell you. So my responses are the ones that I would give you when you call me so that you can see things in a positive light. I am the "good" friend

And now, as you know I like to challenge myself and my friends so that we can progress and become a better version of ourselves.
So my challenge to you is to read this from Shawn Achor's Ted Talk,

Phoebe, wait. Don't cry. Did you see how you landed? No human lands on all fours like that. Phoebe, I think this means you're a unicorn."- Shawn Achor

Now take your post here, and re write it, but do it from a positive self talk point of view.
Do not let "evil Phoebe" have a say.
You can indicate facts, but follow it up with what you have successfully done, or plan to do to be successful.

Will you take my challenge? Will you take a different view point on this post and then post it for us to see? For you to see?

Phoebe, you are handling things so well, and you are accomplishing things that seem so difficult for you, and I hope that you can see the awesomeness that you are exuding.
Because I see it, and so do many others that are following your story here.
Remember, that you are and will do what your thoughts are and indicate to you. You own this.

(((Phoebe)))

I hope it has been a good day for you. You have earned it.

[Phoebe]

Uh oh. SH has thrown down the gauntlet once more. I'm barely keeping up with the meditation! OK, I'll be honest, I'm slacking on that one, but I did listen to the F*ck that meditation multiple time in the last few days. It makes me smile.

Well, it's late, so I need to get some sleep, so I'll work on that soon SH. Tomorrow is going to be chaos (skating, oil change for my car, meeting in the evening), and then a sibling is flying into town to stay in my house for 2 nights, so cleaning, cleaning, cleaning!!! Then spending time with parents and sib, and rest of family for the weekend.

So here is where I struggle SH. Tonight I was invited on an overnight trip to a neighboring state! I literally met this person a week ago. I didn't mean physical danger, Will Rogers, I meant emotional exposure. The waters I am new to navigating are the ones where I figure out how to set bondaries with new people. Walking/music friend still keeps saying I'm cute (and the conversation was more oblique than boundary-setting) and after biking and dinner, I had to dodge that overnight invitation. I tried to do it gracefully. He immediately back-pedaled and said only for company, but it's awkward. I need to talk to them straight up, but it's so damn awkward!

I almost never say no to an invitation, and I need to learn how to do so with care and grace. These two new friends have been really good for me. Good company, good to talk to, understanding. I don't ever want to be one of those hurt people that hurt other people.

Sorry, SH. You are probably seeing this as more of the same, but that was not my evil twin speaking. It's just the real Phoebe, trying to figure things out again. I don't want to hurt people that are kind to me.

Anyway, I'll definitely work on that rewrite thing when I get a spare block of time. It just may be a few days. If I get distracted and forget, then hit me with a 2x4 SparrowHawk, code name: Sledge Hammer.

[Phoebe]

Well, it's official Wayward H vs. Phoebe was filed on 5/16.

Day started OK, and got a bit better, then went down hill PDQ. Spend another 20 minutes on the phone with my therapist.

I have never been so disappointed in another human being in my entire life. Not a word that he was filing. Not a tiny little peep. Kind of like the anniversary gift of abandonment, and the Christmas gift of a a separation. Just another gift of betrayal.

I would like to never see, hear, or think about this person again for the rest of my days. Rope dropped.

[Phoebe]

Just knowing that there is an official case out there in the world of him against me makes me feel sick.

Once upon a time we trusted each other with out lives. Literally. WTF happened to that trust?

I knew already, but was still clinging to the tiny thought that the papers I was being served with were some random thing.

[J5K]

Phoebe

I am sorry to hear about this. You are kind and caring and deserve respect. My heart breaks for you.

(((Phoebe)))