Sorry for the delayed response. It's been a busy couple of days. I did read your post yesterday, and I appreciate you offering to be my accountability partner. I did look up a few articles and books on codependency, but I think right now what I would like to do is read about how to move forward. I've found two books that I plan to purchase and start reading this week:
1. When He Leaves, By Kari West 2. Runaway Husbands, By Vikki Stark
I think this is where I need to start. I honestly want to completely let go of him so that I can start truly moving forward with my life. I want to stop worrying about him, and I want to start putting myself first. Honestly I put up with a lot in the past year, and he took advantage of that, and I just believe that I deserve better, and I have faith in God that He will give me better if I continue to depend on Him. My H hurt me in ways I never imagined possible. I've had many ups and downs, and I will continue to do so, but I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve better. He's filed the paperwork, and soon I will get a letter from the court saying it's been finalized. I will always have the hope that his heart will change, and that one day he will realize this was all a huge mistake, but one thing I cannot do is cling on to that hope so tight that it prevents me from taking care of myself. I just hope I can actually do it, I'll continue posting and reading on the forum to gel me get through this extremely difficult time of my life.
I am pleased to hear that you have found some material that can enlighten you and assist you with knowledge of steps that you can take to break the "curse" that is causing such emotional pain. I will check in on you for updates and thoughts that you gather from your review of the material.
I am praying for you and whole heartedly agree that you deserve better than you have been going through.
May you find peace through your efforts and learning.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I started reading DR a few weeks back. I read these rules at that time, and I just read over them again. Right now, my H has filed the divorce paperwork, and has absolutely no interest in ever recovering the marriage. I've tried implementing the rules, but I feel like a lot of them are easier said than done, and some of them even feel seemingly impossible. Right now my focus is on ME. I've spent the last year and a half trying to save my marriage, but he continued with the A. I think I made a mistake by moving out, but he made me feel very bad about staying, and we fought in intense manners, this was before I started DB'ing. I have very major ups and downs, but this up I am on right now is what I am trying to stick with. I just know I will fall back down hard soon, but will try my best to prevent it. Everything within me tells me this is a HUGE mistake, so I'm trying to follow these rules, but because we don't live together, and don't really speak, I don't know how to apply most of them, and I don't know if he'd even notice. When do I just give up? I've read so much material, and a lot of the things I've read say that the way my H is acting, he will come back when he wakes back up and faces reality, slowly that hope within me is disappearing.
Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how to better implement these rules in my situation, I would appreciate it!
Dont worry about whether he notices or not.
The rules are to help PROTECT you. You make 180's and changes for YOU not to win your spouse back.
How are you doing today? What did you do for yourself today?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Cadet, it makes complete sense, I guess the ultimate goal out of all of this is to become a better person, whether he's with me or not. Sometimes that is very tough though.
I've been hanging in there, and I still have a lot of ups and downs. Yesterday I picked up some books on recovering from divorce. I think my mindset needs to be on just myself now, and that was the purpose of picking out some books to help me out. I've realized that because of how much I disagree with this divorce, many times when we talk, it just becomes so toxic. Other times when we do speak, like earlier this week, he acts SO NORMAL and it drives me crazy. He talks to me like he always used to talk to me, and jokes around with me in the same manner as well. At one point, he really wanted to become intimate, and I almost fell into that trap. Those things to me are mixed signals, and they confuse the heck out of me. So when he says something friendly and nice, I cling to it and it gives me hope, and when he says something nasty it tears me apart. I hate that I've given him so much power over me, and after seeing how much emotional control he has over me, to the point where I think it may have been emotional abuse, I know I have to just try my hardest to put myself first now.
I posted in DDJ's thread. I think the advice might apply to you as well. Let me know. I'm happy to give you some advice, if you want it, or if you just need to talk. I'm not on all the time, but do check every couple days. Sandi really helped me. I owe her a lot. Let me know how I can give back a little.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I read your most recent post on DDJ's thread, and it was pretty inspirational. Where you are now is where I am working to get to. I've had setbacks, and I know I will continue to have setbacks. The biggest thing I've learned this week, through my mistakes & through my IC, is that I HAVE to start taking care of myself. I guess that really means I need to seriously take the steps to going dark and detaching. I wholeheartedly believe my H is lost and is making a huge mistake, but I've finally come to the realization that I cannot force him to recognize that mistake. I can only hope that one day he will, and in the meantime, I am just going to go on with my life and do what's best for me. Hopefully I will remain strong during the whole process.
I've had setbacks, and I know I will continue to have setbacks. The biggest thing I've learned this week, through my mistakes & through my IC, is that I HAVE to start taking care of myself.
Keep this where you can see it. It is a very good reminder to keep close by.
Originally Posted By: ahmeds
but I've finally come to the realization that I cannot force him to recognize that mistake. I can only hope that one day he will, and in the meantime, I am just going to go on with my life and do what's best for me. Hopefully I will remain strong during the whole process.
This realization is what will help you take the appropriate steps to gaining back the power over yourself. The hope can be the energy that can drive you, so long as it does not become the driving reason behind your efforts. Doing what is best for you is a perfect approach to this. It is the DB way. You will stumble in the process, you will lose strength at times. But the key, is to get back up each time you fall. Strength is gained each time you do so.
You are doing well this week. One small step at a time and you will move to a better place.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thanks SadHub. I am doing better this week, hoping I can make it last!
So yesterday I went to the book store and bought a few books for pleasure. I loved reading before I got married, and I got some great recommendations from a friend, and I decided to buy them so that I could pick up on that old habit. I also bought some nice patio furniture so I could enjoy my books on the patio during the evenings in summer, I'm really looking forward to that.
On another note, what do you guys do when thoughts of the OW/OM come flooding into your head? Typically, I know when it's happening, and I try stopping them, but the methods of stopping them are just distractions and temporary for me, eventually they come back full force, and that's when I have it very tough. The OW was also a good friend of mine, so for me it was like a double betrayal. I also have this lingering fear that they will end up together in the future...but I guess realistically, that would never be a good relationship.. Anyway, any tips that have worked for anyone hear? I'd love to hear some.
Hope everyone continues to hang in there. So thankful for this forum.
