Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: What guy in his right mind would want to leave you.

Sandi2 - thanks for laying it out as you have. It's almost reassuring to hear that there could be two ways. I can totally say that I was hoping the "detachment" would just sort of happen.

I can tell you right now - I've already started to see how some of my feelings, etc are in direction relation to how she acts, responds, etc. I think now I can start ditching that.

As I've said over and over. I'm really enjoying the GAL part. I love catching up on the house projects, My motorcycle is a massive pleasure and being with my kids and the changing dynamic with them has been awesome. My workouts, new friends, old friends, new skills, etc - has been great. I really do feel so much more confident and as if my life is almost complete.

Nonetheless, my faith still tells me that God brought us together and I should not "dispose" of her. Which I wish I could do - but I can't.

So, I'll keep on with the GAL - that's easy.

I will:

Thought Stop (all I do is think about her)
Not put up with her crappy behaviour when it crops up
Continue not showing interest in her "new life" - trying to be aloof ( I was great this week)
Continue to fill the void in mine and the kids life

I really do want to get to the point where I don't care/let go. Because I'm positive - once that happens i) she may show some interest ii) I will be really ready to move on.

So here is my pledge:

Continue with my high octane GAL - I love the results and everyone around me is noticing the difference.

I like the suggestion about not posting about how she would respond/feel. Consider my turning over a new leaf right now.

Read and reread the other parts of the detachment.

Again, I love the practical.

[SH_]

bigybiz,

You are truly a great example for so many LBS here. You have one of the most genuine PMA that exists here in the community. You push through every challenge, your faith and belief in God is clearly abundant. Your efforts to progress and your fearlessness to take chances and overcome mistakes is very admirable. And your insane desire to gather ideas and information so you can apply it is unmatched.
Brother, your story is a perfect example to so many of us have to keep on keeping on.
I push you to detach for your benefit, but I can tell you will do so in the right time frame. Your actions and efforts speak louder than any words.

Brother, I admire you, respect you and hope our paths can cross some day so I can shake your hand and give you a man hug and thank you for the example you set in such a challenging journey.

Keep on keeping on my friend. You inspire me.

[sandi2]

Just remember that detaching does not mean you have to stop loving her. Read carefully the page on detachment, and notice when attached......it is how you tie everything to her feelings, opinions, moods, reactions, acceptance or rejection, praise or criticism, on and on. You become enmeshed in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship and lose a part of yourself.

Stay balanced!

[SH_]

Just remember that detaching does not mean you have to stop loving her. Read carefully the page on detachment, and notice when attached......it is how you tie everything to her feelings, opinions, moods, reactions, acceptance or rejection, praise or criticism, on and on. You become enmeshed in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship and lose a part of yourself.

Stay balanced!

Very well stated sandi, very well stated indeed.
Every LBS should read this simple statement and print it out to refer to.

[J5K]

Nonetheless, my faith still tells me that God brought us together and I should not "dispose" of her. Which I wish I could do - but I can't.

So, I'll keep on with the GAL - that's easy.

I will:

Thought Stop (all I do is think about her)
Not put up with her crappy behaviour when it crops up
Continue not showing interest in her "new life" - trying to be aloof ( I was great this week)
Continue to fill the void in mine and the kids life

I really do want to get to the point where I don't care/let go. Because I'm positive - once that happens i) she may show some interest ii) I will be really ready to move on.

bigybiz,

Gosh I wish I could be more like you! I too feel God has brought my WW and I together for a reason.
All the things she wanted before we ended up in this craziness was in the works. She only wanted positive things for me and the family. Not taking all the blame but I also understand that I will never know how she truly feels unless she decides to come back and even have a conversation with me but the only time she even felt like doing that was when I had filed for D.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread. Just want to say that I admire your positive attitude.

[bigybiz]

Wow: This is the greatest group of people I never wanted to meet. I too wish I could meet many of you. If you are in Toronto - you need to let me know.

Yesterday, the kids and I had a meeting to discuss the W proposed visitation schedule. The kid's told me that since she moved out - she should not have visitation in the family home. Further, when I asked if we should invite her over for meals, special occasions, etc - they said no.

The kids are rocking the detachment.

Today was tough - I was physically busy but she was on my mind all day. If not reliving past arguments, I was coming up with ways to bug her. OK day one detachment not going so good.

She was supposed to get back in touch with me to discuss. I sent her a message last night to set up a time but no response. She thinks she has the kids tomorrow night.

What is the right strategy? I want to be strong and not put up with her nonsense. But, I realize right now I'm letting her nonsense bug me. Should I:

Just wait it out and assume she is spending time with the boys on Tues?

Assume she is deliberately going dark - and assumes she will do what she wants

Something else:

Please help - need a strategy now.

Calling everyone give me your input please. I want to be strong, aloof, non confrontational, don't put my kids in the middle of it - but not put up with her BS.

On the other hand, I had a great evening with my boys, enjoying our home and the kids are liking my cooking and baking. It's nice to be appreciated.

I'm behind in work - so no motorcycle ride tonight.

Please help! Sandi2, Cadet, SahHub, Melo, Phoebe, JimKao, Collin, everyone.

[J5K]

bigybiz,

You and I will definitely meet up before the end of this year. I can assure you of that.

As far as your W goes, I would continue doing what you do best, live your life. If she comes over tomorrow with no notice be friendly. I agree don't put your kids in the middle of this. If they want to say something to their mom then you should support them but they should still respect her, she still is their mother. I would see how things play out once she gets there and if the boys do not want to be around her then take them out and do something even if it is a walk, but all she needs to know is you are going out. IDK, I am definitely not the best DB'r to ask but still working on it.

[bigybiz]

Zues126:

I narrowed it down to a few things I miss the most.

- Companionship - watching TV, Drinking Tea and Coffee, etc
- Touch - hugs, kisses, etc
- Loss of identity - being a husband for 20+ years is a hard thing to view as over

So ideas on how to replace them would be great. I'm committed to not dating, etc. I know that would be a mistake.

[bigybiz]

JimKao: Thanks - no news from her. I asked the boys if they have heard from her and 0. So I told them we will plan to have our own dinner and be together for the evening. I hope my d20 is around too. We have a family counselling session at 4pm. So if there is not mega homework - maybe dinner and movie.

[bigybiz]

Sorry - I still am not sure how to handle here. I'm expecting a text saying. I was very busy- I'll be there a 6pm to pick up the boys, etc....

Any ideas on how to be detached, strong and change the dynamics of our relationship.