New to Site - Just found about another

[coffee_]

Yes Sandi, I have been reading that stuff over and over. I am learning to set boundaries. I am working on making a plan for myself as this stuff seems so simple when I read it and then I start to implement and it is so complicated.
She has had several A's over the last 10 years, 3 that I know of. No disclosure on how long 2 of them lasted.
I have never told her that I can be patient, nor have my actions or questions shown her that, however she still keeps looking for that from me. She seems to be slowly showing me regret and sorrow, I am cautious of course, says she is willing to work on the M and is seeking IC. This has all happened in the last 3 days. I have told her that I am not interested in an open relationship.
I have now gone dark, doing my 180s, and detaching. It seems to be working but time will tell. I will need to see action soon.
We are so uncomfortable around each other right now, which is good I guess.

[coffee_]

Headed to S13 Band concert in a bit, keeping head up, looking good, content, confident. Remembering the Sandi's rules.

[coffee_]

Well, I made it through the concert, only a small backslide. She was wanting to leave, and suggested I could go, probably so she could text the OM, or leave or something, I dunno. I told her she could go if she wanted, but to her it sounded bossy and she said, stop bossing me around. The signs are so obvious that she is distracted it is painful. I am working on the detachment but it is the hardest part of this thing. I left to work after and said I would be home in an hour or so. I saw a text on her phone, she slid it out of the way and made a big sigh, I will not say anything to her and act as if I don't care. I figure the more I do that the more I really don't care.
I wonder why some posts get more love than others? I am getting weary of my situation, but will keep it up I feel I am getting better every day, but realize there will still be ups and downs.

[Zues126]

I'm reading coffee. I'm just not sure what you're expecting to have happen.

She SAID she was willing to work on the M at one point. She is ACTING impatient, disgusted, irritable, and manipulative (manipulative by calling you controlling, which Sandi points out is a WW's rebuttal when the betrayed party expresses valid concerns about her texting privately after a series of affairs, and manipulative by acting remorseful or throwing you crumbs and empty promises to keep you stringing along so she doesn't experience consequences for her behaviors).

What ACTIONS have you seen that she has taken to show a commitment to restoring a marriage and rebuild your trust?

If you are willing to live in an open marriage and be shat on indefinitely as long as she says sorry once in a while, what do you expect to change?

The only way something will change is if SHE changes or if YOU change. You can either stand there and hope that she changes, or you can change.

I respect that you are trying to change by DBing, and doing what you can to detach. But from my view it still looks like you're hoping that this helps her 'come around', and the reality is you have all of your eggs in the basket that she will. And unfortunately there is a non-zero percent chance that she won't.

My question to you remains the same. If you knew for certain that there was zero chance she would ever change this behavior, what would you do? How long would you remain in this situation? What would you do when you hit your limit? How many weeks, months, or years would have to go by before you had enough? Or would you live like this forever hoping she wouldn't leave you and you could preserve this 'marriage'?

Hard questions, but they are the ones you need to ask yourself. This day by day monitoring of her acts and manipulation and reevaluating the chances this will work itself out is a cheeseless tunnel. I was hoping you'd read my old threads as I mentioned so you could learn from my mistakes. I've been down that road my friend, no cheese at all.

Hang in and keep posting.

[coffee_]

Zuess, yep your right! I can hang here and take it or change for real. So hard when lives are intertwined...or so I thought it helps to read here and see others have my struggles. She is textbook WW. Just hard to believe still for some reason. I can change, she did, the minute I exposed my knowledge of her affair. Huge backslide tonight, all the reading in the world is not helping me right now. I just can't stop with the attacks, I am calm but still just keep on with criticism of her actions. Not helping and pushing her further away. It doesn't make me feel better. She traps me and I bite every time.

[Zues126]

I am of the belief that divorce busting doesn't happen for at least 90 days after BD.

We can try to detach. We can try to follow the rules. But we are deeply in denial, desperate to have things go 'back to normal', and we are in emotional hell.

Eventually something will happen that will shatter the denial. In my case it was very profound and life changing. After that everything was different. And while I still suffered and struggled, it was clear to me that I was on my own and I started moving forward and accepting my new life.

It's like an addict hitting rock bottom. Something happens so horrible you can't live that way anymore.

LBS's are like addicts to WAS's. They try to manage the addiction, to control it, to find a way to keep it alive. Then things get worse and worse until finally one day they realize it has to stop. That's when true DBing begins.

I'm not making fun of you, minimizing your efforts, or anything. They are all part of the process. And when you hit rock bottom you'll be much better prepared because of the tools and habits you are building now. And maybe you'll bottom out sooner if you keep challenging yourself as you have been. All good stuff.

BD1 is hard, it can't get any worse. BD2 (when you accept BD) is just as hard, but you'll be better prepared. Read Painter's thread as an example, she BD'd for two years and just hit her 'BD2'. I don't want you to wait two years. Please keep challenging yourself. You'll get there coffee.

[coffee_]

Zuess,
It would almost be easier if she would just leave or give me the BD and say I am leaving you. Yesterday she said that I deserve someone that doesn't dissapoint me.
I have decided based on your post to not remain in this situation. I have some pretty big stuff to think about but I am thinking that to change my situation I will have to tell her that it is time for a D. In some respect because it will be a wake up call for her, I get it, I cant expect her to come around based on my actions. I need to change so that I can have a healthy life moving forward from this toxic situation. This will also be better in the long run form my S13. Got up and rode my bike this morning, it feels good getting back to the life that I had before I have been consumed by my W and her A's. She spent the afternoon with the OM, I am sure of it. It is crazy how the script just seems to match everybodies stich. My sitch is no different, just different people involved.
Hope everyone has a good Memorial day! I am doing my best to just be me.
Thanks for sticking with me Zuess, you are a huge help!

[Zues126]

coffee, ordinarily I would caution from jumping right to a D from standing around and pining. But in your case, with 8 years of infidelity, I don't think that's an entirely inappropriate response.

But there's one thing I would STRONGLY recommend:

I am thinking that to change my situation I will have to tell her that it is time for a D.

Wrong. Don't "tell her" it is time for a D. Please reread my post about actions vs. words.

Words are weak.
Actions are strong.

Instead of telling her, simply meet with a divorce attorney. Have a consult. Find out what the next steps are.

Then when you have to communicate, you can tell her "As you know I'm not willing to live in an open M. For this reason it's time to take some steps towards separating our lives. I want you to know that I met with a divorce attorney. He recommended that we immediately separate finances, so I have opened an individual bank account, and deducted 50% of the funds from our joint account excluding June bills into it. There will be more to work through in terms of parental time, assets, and living arrangements, but that can wait until we both have representation. I haven't filed anything yet but I will let you know when to expect the paperwork as I'd like to keep things professional with no surprises."

Then if she tries manipulating you, crying, begging, pleading, or spewing, blaming, or getting physical, you can simply remove yourself from the situation, avoid an argument, and tell her you'll hear whatever she has to say and give it thought...but NOT stop the steps you're taking.

If you just 'tell her' you're going to file D, she will likely not believe you, and very well may find a way to string you along and give you enough false hope to stall you indefinitely. I've seen it too many times. Particularly if you're desperately hoping she 'wakes up' so you don't have to follow through.

When can you meet with an L for a free consult? Do you already have finances separated?

[Zues126]

I'd add that when you 'tell her', you are looking for a reaction and she knows it.

When you act, you demonstrate that you are simply moving towards divorce and no longer care about her reaction.

[coffee_]

Great advice, I have already met with an attorney it wasn't free and it was not great advise, she knows I went. Up until now I didn't do anything else, but told her that he had great advise. But I am going to contact one tomorrow as I have gotten a name of a very good one here in town. Zuess, yes it has been about 8 years that I know of. Different dudes, etc. I uncovered some attempts 10 years ago and put the kabosh on that. Of course when I bring it up she always says,,,,see you just wont ever be able to let this go will you, speaking of our current situation. I am not sure I have any other option at this point. I have not separated any of the finances yet, my work is slow and hoping I don't get laid off because my concentration level has been low. A couple of people there are aware of my situation but I could lose my job soon. I am in a tight situation. I do have some back up $$.