Focus on Me and my boys 2

[J5K]

Sandi,

By no means am I looking for approval from my in laws. I am a kind, caring and giving person. That is why my WW fell in love with me.

As I stated before, I am remorseful for my actions. It is on them to forgive and if they can't too bad for them. They are the ones who need to grow up and become adults.

I respect that she cares for her daughter and wants what is best for her but for a MIL to say it is OK to ruin an M and not try to see how this is affecting and attempt to reconcile for the sake of the boys is ridiculous.

Maybe their reality will kick in when the D is final, who knows?

I am not the type of person to tell people "I told you so" but my WW is.

She will continue to get support from her family and live off of the money that her family will give her and whatever she gets from the D. I can't control or stop that.

I just want to see my boys happy and watch them grow.
The decision to move there would be mine and solely mine without influence from someone who does not want to be in an M.

[J5K]

Sandi,

Also when I look back at things WW did it was all a reaction to my actions. IDK, maybe she is a narcissistic sociopath to some level. Her actions lately have not shown that she has the best interest of the boys. Every weekend that is mine she asks me to come home early so she can drive back to Toronto at a decent time.

Somehow I think she is following your 37 rules better than me, especially NC. Again she is a woman of action and goes and does things. She wants to do activities with the boys also but without the responsibility of working. That is the messed up part. Simple solutions for this family would be for her to forgive me and us work on getting us up to Toronto and committing to a plan but she does not want to even discuss this with anyone.

We have some friends that live in Toronto also and I gave WW a package to give them and she won't even respond to their texts so that they can go pick up the package. She has made a new world for herself.

[J5K]

So did the exchange this morning with STBX.

We were friendly.

STBX meets with psychologist tomorrow with boys. I get keys to new apartment and have court in the morning to defend her motion to take the boys to Toronto.

I am so lost as to how to even get to be friendly with STBX. I am not mad, don't hate her still love her. I don't understand why she can't forgive and why she would go date OMs. I wish STBX and I could go back to what she wanted which was a separation.

I can't control if MIL helps and enables STBX with the new house to live in with the boys. I feel if I can't gain any of the equity in the home in Canada that I should just give up and let the boys move in with her.

Instead of things being positive in STBX's eyes all I have done was do the opposite of what she wants.

She wanted me to pursue her, she wanted me to quit smoking (almost there), she wanted me to be less angry which we have not had an argument in months mostly because of NC.

Please help, need 2x4s if I am not going down the right path.

Am I just blind with the wanting to accept that she is truly narcissistic?

[sandi2]

I don't understand why she can't forgive and why she would go date OMs.

I doubt you will ever understand it, Jim. You have got to let it go.

[J5K]

Sandi,

In your motto you say doing the work that gets the right results. I read that as getting the right results for me and becoming the best me I can be. That does not mean it will save my M. Is that what you mean?

Because for me that would mean do the improvements that STBX wanted and have her raise the boys and have no expectations she will come back.

[J5K]

So STBX tells me that movers need two trucks and will not be able to move furniture out in time by Friday.

She has done nothing to help coordinate any of this. She keeps saying I told you this was coming.

I am so angry with her. She does nothing and puts all the work on me. The only action she is taking is making this D more difficult. She says she wants nothing to do with me.

Great!

I so want to tell my boys that she has gone away with an OM but I know I cannot put that emotional trauma on them.

This is just insane!

[J5K]

Had to leave work. Can't function or thinks straight.

She is putting all of the burden on me. How does someone exist like this in this world!

[sandi2]

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

What I meant is that DBing is not doing what most people think or feel one does to get positive results in their M. DBing is counterintuitive. It is doing the work that gets the results you want for the MR.

That does not mean it will save my M. Is that what you mean?

I mean the "work" in saving a MR is not what the average newcomer usually thinks it will be. It is usually the opposite of what the newcomer wants to do. (For example, letting her go). It does not mean there is a guarantee. As long as there is another person with volition, nothing is a guarantee.

Jim, you are worn down and too weary to think about all this stuff clearly. It is getting down to the wire and you are feeling desperation. You are seeking a particular step you could do to cause your W to give the M another chance. The problem is not you, Jim. Don't you see? The woman has gone off her moral rocker, plus, she has a spoiled princess entitlement. You could be the greatest man alive, and it would not fix her. That's what you fail to recognize!

[J5K]

Thanks Sandi

I just needed to hear that from someone.

So she has dumped all the moving responsibility on me.

I ran into a friend at work and he said just move the stuff you want and let her worry about the rest. That would definitely upset her and jolt her if I left the assets she wanted in the house.

Not trying to be vindictive but it would surely put owners on her to get her a$$ in gear to do something.

Thoughts?

[Painter]

Yes, why would you move her stuff??? If she did nothing to help coordinate a move, leave it to her.

She may have set this up to throw you off your game before court tomorrow.

Don't feel like you have to make a decision about moving to Toronto now. Stay put until you see how it works with the kids and how you feel when you are more stable. If you feel like the kids are suffering with WW long-distance in a year, you can always move then. You need your own family around you now.