Not sure where to go from here

[inpain]

Hi Inpain.. a Canadian artist... I'm hoping Brian Adams but i think you will answer Beiber.

Beiber!?!?!?! I didn't even know he was Canadian, I'm far too old to be into Beiber lol. Of course it was Bryan Adams! Love him! Have wanted to see him live since I was a teen so it was a real dream come true...and he didn't disappoint - he was AWESOME!!!!

Scared is normal. It's change. Change you didn't ask for but you need to take control over. Your H wants out so It's time you take the drivers seat and let him scramble around you. Not to torture hum or punish him but he needs to realize that he made this choice and consequences are that he can't just come and go as he pleases. Will is shake him up. Who knows. He has a long way to go. You have your life to live the way you want it. Not being a hostage to his MLC.

Thanks for this Irish, I really need to hear something like this today. Things have not gone well at all this week and I have been close to tears at work and actually in tears at home. I feel like I'm back at the beginning with it all. I seem to have lost my DBing head and am devastated once again by H's lack of movement either way. He has said today that his heart isn't in it so won't be going out for any meals, he just wanted to be able to say he'd tried everything. Everything except marriage guidance or IC that is, or any other kind of professional help. So once again I'm reeling and also frustrated with myself for getting sucked back in, thinking there was hope.

I wanted and still want the same for my girls. You are still a happy family you and your kids. Your parents, relatives etc. Your H is the one missing out. Make your home a home the kids feel loved and happy in. Your H can look through the window.

you got this. I really believe in you.

((Hugs))
Irish

Thanks Irish! Sitting in tears reading this because it just hurts as I know we all know and it means so much to read these words, thank you.

[inpain]

Hi Rouky, great to hear from you my friend!

What a great GAL, you go girl :-)! I fully understand where you come from about being scared, unfortunately fear is what is holding us up from moving forward. It's really difficult because we are holding onto something that no longer exist and that at the back of our mind we will always wonder what if we had done things differently .

You're right, and I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that it no longer exists. This is my big stumbling block I think. I just cannot accept that it is over and that there will never be a time that my H looks at me lovingly again.

I think now you need to focus on you and put potential R on the back burner. So far you have been incredibly strong and I can see your H is a fool, but you have to save yourself first. Like everyone says put the oxygen mask on first!
I'm 14 months in this mess. H isn't showing any sign of wanting to R or save M, even though it hurts me I have to accept that it's over. I find acceptance he hardest part of it all. In time your tears will fade away, and you'll realise that there is nothing you can do, your H is on his journey and you can't fix him.
Take care of yourself Inpain
((((((Hugs))))))

At least reading these words I know that I am normal to be finding it so hard to accept this new reality. Thank you Rouky. You're right, I have allowed myself to get caught up on a wave of hope since H wanted to do that book and now it has all come crashing down and I'm sitting in tears once more.

[inpain]

Well things couldn't really get any worse here at IP mansion. I am back feeling like I have messed everything up yet again. Driven WAH away before he had even come back. I went out for tea with friends I used to work with on Tuesday. H looked after the kids at our house. When I got back H's face was thunder and he asked hadn't I got his text. No, I hadn't, my phone was on silent as I'd forgotten to turn it back on from my meeting earlier in the day. S and H had had words and S was now at my Mum's! Mum ended up bringing S back and came in to face H about it. They were arguing and I just stood there pretty much in shock that it was even happening.

Back in probably January when S was in tears every one of H's visits and H just dismissed his tears cruelly, my Mum had told S that if he was ever upset he could call her and go to her house. I thought it was asking for trouble but nothing ever came of it so I'd forgotten all about it. Never mentioned it to H because at the time he was barely speaking to me.

Now I'm the bad guy for not mentioning it to H and for letting there be such an arrangement. I had no part in the arrangement at all. H has said that this incident is the final straw in making him realise he can never come back. He has been painted to be the bad guy with my Mum, he says. He thinks I have said bad things about him to my Mum. All I have ever done is tell the truth about how he is when he comes round. S has told my Mum too but H doesn't believe that, he thinks it is all me.

Why didn't he take me out for another meal as he'd promised after the previous one? "It just didn't seem to happen," was his reply. ?????????? Meals don't happen on their own, they have to be booked and the person invited.

I know my DBing head slipped these last few weeks since the meal. I held it together but then when there was no further forthcomings from H I started to temp check. Now there is no chance. H took the day off yesterday and came round at lunchtime with a view to going out for the afternoon. I could come if I wanted he said. None of us ended up going and I ended up pouring everything out about how I feel to H while the kids played outside in the garden.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry forever. I don't want my M to be over. I don't want a D. I can't have what I want and I can't do this anymore.

[Natus]

With a H like that are you sure you want save the M?
Pardon me for saying so but he sounds like a d!ck.

[ciluzen]

IP,

You're ok. I know this hurts, but you are beating yourself up as if you have any control over the situation. You don't. You cannot control what your H does, so why waste your time blaming yourself for "messing up"?

As much as you have no control over your H, you do have control over you and to a large extent, your reactions. I think because we are in crisis mode, we start worrying about every little reaction and how it will affect our H's behavior. We are trying to do things that only have what we perceive to be a positive effect on our H, with hopes that they will eventually add up and turn our H back to us. That hope carries so much weight that when what H does doesn't fall into line the way WE want, we fall apart because we "did everything right". Well, stop that nonsense. Because that's what this is...nonsense. There is no "right".

Stand back and look at what you have. You have two beautiful children. You have parents who are there for you and those children. You have a job and a work history. You have a home that your H has left you in...but you are in. You have started some attempts to GAL. This is you right now. Where will you be in 6 mos?

Pretend H has left and moved across the world and there is no possibility of his return. Wrap your mind around that. What will you do then? Make a plan. Put your H out of the picture. It can be done.

I'm doing it right now. I know I still report on my H on my thread...I still love him deeply. But I try to look at his actions as if I am studying him. Detached (still trying to,at least) He is inwardly a mess and is trying to sort that out on his own timeline...not mine. I've decided to quit blaming him and let him. As long as I don't pressure him, demand of him, make him feel that I expect him to do anything, we can talk and be easy with each other. I don't often contact him. I make myself available to him when he does talk to me on his own. I ask him how his parents are. How work is. I wish him good day and a good night. I thank him for little things...genuine thanks. I just listen and validate. No suggestions, no critiques. Just listen and emphathize. He needs that right now while he's in crisis. And I let him live his life while I try to figure out mine.

I'm not perfect. I lost my sh&t last weekend. I then waited to call him later when I could control MYSELF and let him know I was angry. I said "I am very, very upset with you". I then gave him my reasons why. CALMLY. It allowed him to open up and share some deep issues that caused him to act a certain way. We ended up laughing and having a good conversation. The original issue is left unresolved, but I had to let it go or go mad. Maybe he will deal with it...maybe not. My lawyer can deal with it if he doesn't.

You CAN do this, IP. Whatever "this" may be that is within your control.

If "this" is get on with your life and be happy about it...yes, you can. It will take an enormous gargantuan effort on your part, but it will get easier. And you have family to support you.

If "this" is getting your H back and living happily ever after, maybe. Maybe not. Not actually within your control. But if you choose to work on the former "this" instead, and are patient...well. That is a story still unwritten.

[Irish M]

Hi IP

You know what they say in MLC or WAH, things get worse before they get better

getting better is all up to you. You control it.

You H will blame you if he wants to blame you . You can't avoid it.

If my D's called my mom about me if say great. You son did well. He felt uneasy after sharing words with his dad and your S needed to feel safe. Your moms is the best lave to be. Under normal conditions your H would of had a discussion with his son an dnot have a heated moment.

Don't take it on you. Your H is to blame and he's projecting it on you. Step back and look at it again.

It does get better I promiss :-)
Hugs

Irish

[inpain]

Thanks Natus, Ciluzen and Irish, I appreciate your words so much!

I don't really feel any calmer than when I posted the other day, despite GAL a lot with my kids (it's a school half term holiday here).

As much as you have no control over your H, you do have control over you and to a large extent, your reactions. I think because we are in crisis mode, we start worrying about every little reaction and how it will affect our H's behavior. We are trying to do things that only have what we perceive to be a positive effect on our H, with hopes that they will eventually add up and turn our H back to us. That hope carries so much weight that when what H does doesn't fall into line the way WE want, we fall apart because we "did everything right". Well, stop that nonsense. Because that's what this is...nonsense. There is no "right".

Thank you Ciluzen, I needed to read this. You are spot on with what you say here and it describes exactly how I'm feeling!

Stand back and look at what you have. You have two beautiful children. You have parents who are there for you and those children. You have a job and a work history. You have a home that your H has left you in...but you are in. You have started some attempts to GAL. This is you right now. Where will you be in 6 mos?

I do have so much to be thankful for you are right (again :)) and I know H is losing so much more than me. Where will I be in 6 months? I'm terrified of where I'll be. All I can see in my future is my devastated self hugging and crying myself to sleep because I've had to spend the weekend without my babies while they are with their Dad. That's all I can think about, the whole access thing. My children are with me all the time and we do everything together. We have spent the majority of their lives going out and about without H due to his, quite frankly, appalling shift times. No matter how I try to look at it (that they need to see their Dad, etc, etc) I just cannot get past the unbearable heartache and stomach churning sickness it gives me. I don't want to spend a day without my kids and it is all I can think about.

My posts probably read like I am not trying, but I really am, I put so much effort into being happy every single day, but I am struggling now to see which direction to go with my DBing. I can't go dark and NC because of the kids. Help?!

This is an example of H these days. Yesterday he came round for an hour and didn't talk to me, then as he went to leave he told me he wasn't ignoring me he just didn't know what to say to me. He said his head is a big mess from it all.

Today he text 'Are you in or out?' at 7:20pm. I replied with 'In'. He replied 'OK'. That was it. Twenty minutes later he walked in and sat in 'his' chair in the sitting room. He didn't speak to anyone. S was playing a game and D and I were playing a game together. They didn't acknowledge he had walked in and neither did I. Not sure if that's the right way to go but I find it rude that he just walks in without even greeting any of us. After thirty minutes or more S spoke to H and H announced he had to leave to go to work! So his entire visit today lasted about 50 minutes, spent in silence. What is the point?!

Any suggestions on where to go with this situation?

You H will blame you if he wants to blame you . You can't avoid it.

If my D's called my mom about me if say great. You son did well. He felt uneasy after sharing words with his dad and your S needed to feel safe. Your moms is the best lave to be. Under normal conditions your H would of had a discussion with his son an dnot have a heated moment.

Don't take it on you. Your H is to blame and he's projecting it on you. Step back and look at it again.

Thank you for this ^^ Irish! H has a great skill of being able to make me believe everything is my fault. He is a genius at it! Thank you for pointing out to me how he is projecting, I can see it when you point it out! H is certainly blaming me for everything at the moment. It is my fault he left. His EA/PA? and the associated lack of trust has nothing to do with it. It was one tiny mistake (according to him, which isn't even accurate, it is at least three HUGE mistakes!). He is totally blameless and smells of roses. I, on the other hand, am a horrible person through and through. I know this because he told me on Sunday! He says he shouldn't get as angry with me as he does and that is why we will never work. What is terribly sad is that he cannot see that it is not just me he gets so angry with. His anger is a problem in him and will not go away just because he divorces me. Maybe he is in MLC after all to not be able to see this.

It does get better I promiss :-)

Can I just skip to the part where it is better please?! I want to get off this particular train.

[Roxi]

Inpain-

Be strong for your kids. They are watching. They are looking to you as a role model. What you do now and how you treat their father will be an example for them when they are dating and ready to find a mate. I have spoken to my kids about the gift of forgiveness and they are not ready to hear it. D21 told me I was not setting a good example for her by waiting it out with my H, and I said her world view at 21 is very different than mine at 50. She doesn't understand. 10 years ago I would have never thought I was a "stand by your man" kinda gal, but maturity does that to you. And I am not afraid to be on my own (as daughter pointed out.) It just feels like the right thing to do at this time.

[Irish M]

IP. sadly there is no fast forward of skip to the end. I now know after months of this that I needed to grow. My Daughters need it too. Sometimes I think we were all in a mild depression. STBXW's just took a wrong turn into MLC.

You getting off the train is your choice. Next stop IP ( I progress) . Your self development is so important in all this.

I've seen other couples go through breakups and both are lost forever in self pity, anger and regret.

IP, I see that you will take control of yours and steer your self to the better life. Your kids and yourself deserve it.

wish I could send you a video I made, me and my girls at a Canadian animal safari . amazing day and i look at it often and see them smiling and it shows me that I can do this. So can you :-)

hugs
Irish

[inpain]

Inpain-

Be strong for your kids. They are watching. They are looking to you as a role model. What you do now and how you treat their father will be an example for them when they are dating and ready to find a mate. I have spoken to my kids about the gift of forgiveness and they are not ready to hear it. D21 told me I was not setting a good example for her by waiting it out with my H, and I said her world view at 21 is very different than mine at 50. She doesn't understand. 10 years ago I would have never thought I was a "stand by your man" kinda gal, but maturity does that to you. And I am not afraid to be on my own (as daughter pointed out.) It just feels like the right thing to do at this time.

Thank you Roxi, I really appreciate you posting, our situations seem very similar. I hear what you're saying about being a good role model for our children, although I do sometimes worry that as well as modelling standing by vows I'm also modelling how to let someone treat you badly and how to be a doormat (sigh). I find that I am really not sure which one it is myself anymore. I find H's lack of any kind of decision and direction ridiculous. I have a hunch that he knows exactly what he wants and is just too afraid to do it (my hunch being he has no intention of coming back but is afraid to see a solicitor).

I also know what you mean about having a different perspective than younger people. I work with some people your daughter's age, one of them is married and she is always telling me, "He's not worth it, he's not worth your tears." Of course, she has no children yet and cannot see it from a mid 40s person with two kids perspective, but like you, if I'd have been given this scenario when I was younger I'd have thought I'd have just walked away if H had an affair.