One thing I'm struggling with is the fact that I'm convinced she still loves me, it might not be a passionately as before but I have a sense it's still there. Because of this feeling I'm struggling not to self destruct, I know I need to give her space and I know what I should and shouldn't talk about, I know I need to prepare for worse and focus on me but the temptation to reach out to her is overpowering
I've also spent a lot of time looking through posts on here and have noticed so many differences in my story to that of other people.
I have noticed that a lot of the folks on here are still living under the same roof as their spouse and because of this are maintaining some degree of contact. I also have no evidence of an EA or PA whatsoever nor do I believe there is. I guess I'm just trying to say I'm struggling to relate
Once the story of the separation is finished, the trials and tribulations are pretty similar for those left behind it seems. My wife hasn't had any type of affair, but I have barely seen her for an hour in 8 days. I can't eliminate her because she's our son's mother, but I'm not fixated on her. If anything, my energy is going to my son and to getting myself better. If the woman knows, or feels like, they are the only source of your happiness, you won't have much chance to talk let alone reconcile.
You've got to accept what she's done, which [censored], but find a place where you can heal.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I guess I find it weird to let go of these feelings because I can't see how that could possibly lead to us reconciling. I just feel like if none of us is fighting then our marriage will slowly die.
What SadHub says is way too true, Kyle. There is nothing new under the sun. I once though my sitch was "different," too. It's the same old stuff, different couple, slight variations.
Our spouses say and do things that are so similar that it is downright scary. I've heard things from my H's mouth that might well have been written down in a play. You've heard those same phrases, too. You just haven't been here long enough to recognize the script, I'm sorry to say.
My H told me that he felt inferior to me! Well, a lot of other people have heard the same exact thing. He said he had no identity outside of being my husband. Guess what? Lots of people have heard the same thing.
So what am I trying to say... you are in good company, with people who are right there in the same boat as you, or who are may be a few lengths ahead in the flotilla. Try hard to listen to what they are saying.
Fighting for your M in any way that is all obvious, is pursuit. Pursuing someone who is already scared and distancing is the worst thing you can do. "Fight" for your marriage by working on yourself and letting your wife do what she needs to do on her own.
I know it's hard. I'm struggling, too.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Are there many success stories from the community? It's difficult to gauge because I'm guessing once reconciled there isn't much need to keep coming back here.
Kyle, yes, there are many success stories. I am one of them. However, it takes a very, very long time--time to let go of the M, time to focus on yourself, and then even more time to build a new M with someone that has hurt you. I think you are correct tho, that people may less often post when the are back together. I read here for a very long time, but just started posting a year into piecing.
Your sitch may feel different than others, but there appears to be more similarities than differences: your spouse has given up, you are devastated, and you are desperately wanting to get her back, which often leads to pushing them further away. That is ALL of us and that is WHY we are here, A or no A, co-living or not, and kids or no kids. You are the LBS and you want your M back. Period.
I agree with what all of the other posters are saying! Coconut is the perfect example of someone that came here, started posting, got hit over the head with a million 2*4s, he started to accept and implement the DB principles, his W did a 180, and now he is here giving you advice. So listen to him, please.
What we are asking you to do may feel impossible, but it is really the only chance you have, if there is a chance. She is gone so let her go. You cannot control her, you cannot win her back, and you cannot obsess over her and mind read. All of that only pushes her further away. She has even told you that!
Let her go. Accept that it is over. I know it's devastating and you want to come back here to win her back. That was all of us. But you cannot. The only thing you can do, is become a better you. Find your strength, find your confidence, and try and be the best man you can be. Wake up each morning and start over. Over time if you can do this--detach, GAL, do your 180s--she will most likely notice. It is only then that she may find herself interested in you again.
For some folks it takes weeks, some months, and in my sitch a year. So no, you cannot "fight for your marriage," but you can fight for yourself and learn to be the best man you can be.
So hold your head up high, let her go, and learn to love yourself again. One day she, or someone else, WILL notice if you can really do it. That is the person that deserves your love and attention.
Go and read Sandi's rules--maybe read them everyday--and start there. Wake up each morning and start over. Over time this will get easier.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Kyle, my wife had an EA with kissing.. We are reconciling. Are we a success, I don't know yet, we are having a great day today, but there are bad days too, the thing is I'm happy with me... That's what is important, that I get to make my own decisions about what I want...
I started out in distraught and despair, but now I'm me, and I truly believe that's why I'm where I am. Do I want to fully reconcile? I don't fully know yet, but I will get to make that decision, because unbelievably, I'm coming into a place where I am gonna make the decision that is best for me... It's where you need to get. If you wanna read my story, just click on my name and then click view posts.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Go to Re: My story job(4) page 2 I believe I have some links to success stories. I can't seem to copy the links Here for some reason. Sit down and read some.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
So mornings are definitely the hardest time for me at the moment, I wake up and start analysing everything.
I'm going to head out the shops shortly to get myself something to wear to my friends wedding next week then I'm picking my girls up to take them to a fun fair, I'm dreading seeing my wife.
Hey KyleR, i too felt my sich was diff. My W didnt act or speak like how others were describing theirs i was so sure i could save my M too that is until i noticed from my W the same patterns emerging again and again.
Now im just trying to detach and focus on what i need to do for me and my son. Its hard cause my W is still in the same house and same bed so somedays im fooled into thinking everything is normal, that this is fine, we can work this out, then get dashed as the W is all along thinking about getting away from you, another man (OM), doesnt want you etc.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
