Moving on

[J5K]

Painter,

I am happy you are able to have a little fun with this. It put a smile on my face. Hang in there. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. It sounds like he is respecting you a little more but his actions are still deplorable.

Sleep well!

(((Painter)))

[Painter]

Ouch. I got my hand on the burner again. One of my friends found some stuff on OW's FB-page and shared it with me, and I just saw it. It was dated mid-February and about how she has found her special person (not those words but the meaning). It took the wind completely out of my sails, because it fits the timeline. My heart hurts and my stomach is in a knot. I can tell I'm close to tears. I was so relaxed and had such a good day - but I guess it hinged on me believing that WH now had concerns about OW.

Nothing good is coming from contact with WH or finding out more about OW. I don't even know if it's worth the legal aspects. I just get so outraged at WH's behavior that I end up confronting him... I'm a very fair person and it's hard for me to get that someone can be so selfish and inconsiderate. Moving her into the house so quickly really made this 100 times worse than it had to be.

Took a pill so I wouldn't go into a tailspin.

I would like to post more in other (new) posters' threads, but it's so hard to read about the pain they are going through... it's so raw in me and now I have no hope or encouragement to offer for new posters going into DBing. I'm glad I did it for myself, but I'm not fit to give anyone hope about saving their M.

[Phoebe]

Ouch. If it doesn't help you, and actually causes you more pain, then it's probably not worth even looking.

I can absolutely relate to your being unable to post on brand new people's threads. I'm right there with you. I remember when I first joined that I could barely read anyone's threads because I was in so much pain myself that I just felt worse knowing how many other people were also in pain. I'm still struggling enough that I don't feel qualified to say much to the true newcomers. I don't know how to offer much comfort.

I think that you should just do what feels right for you. You have enough to deal with right now without immersing yourself in more.

I'm sorry that you're having a setback with the latest information assault because the previous update sounded like you were feeling sassy again. I was liking that. Take your meds and you'll have your sass back soon.

Sleep well, lovely Painter.

[Zues126]

Painter, I'd really caution you to be careful about interacting with H right now.

You have every right to be angry. Right now that anger could make things more difficult for yourself.

STBXH is being inappropriate, and he has destroyed your life. That said, he sounds like he is being reasonable in the sense of not hiding assets, draining accounts, or hurting the kids to punish you, or worse.

Maybe we take that for granted. We just think no one could ever sink so low. But we also thought no one could ever sink so low as to move in with someone else while legally married for 20 years.

My point is that it could be much, much worse. I'm not trying to get you to find a 'bright side'. I just don't want to see you confront, punish, or spew at WAH. Not only does this just justify in his mind why he 'had to leave', but you are laying the groundwork for the divorce to just get nastier if he decides he can't reason with you or play nice. I don't want your life negatively impacted because you want to blow off steam, that is all.

Agreed that you should not be looking at FB, and you should tell your friends you don't want to know anymore. You know what's out there now. If you continue to look you are choosing to make yourself upset.

Create as much emotional distance as you can from the situation, blow off all the steam you want here, but please keep the moral high ground and do everything you can to prevent from escalating a horrible situation.

Sorry that's not very helpful tonight, I do care painter, just can't do anything to change the harshness of this reality.

[Sotto]

Hi Painter, I would agree with Zues and operate on the basis that OW is truly not worthy of your valuable attention. Who cares what she posts on FB - she may have been bought a ring, or she may be deluded. None of that really matters.

I work on the basis that the only thing that would lead me to pause and review would be XH approaching me in an honest and genuine way to see if I would be willing to consider possible R. If he did, I would want to know some details - until or unless it reads like sticking pins into sensitive places.

I would leave him and her be....if the two of them want to be together so be it...and time will tell how that unfolds.

Focus on you, look after you, turn back to your own life (apart from business interactions) and take it from there I say.

Take care my friend xx

[Painter]

I agree that I should go to NC. The worst possible that has happened, happened. There's nothing more that could really happen now to hurt me more, I think.

I have told H how disrespectful I thought he has been to our M, how he added so much pain to an already difficult process by moving her right in, how he protected himself from pain by starting a new R before ending his M and instead just dumped all that extra pain onto me, and that I need clarity and closure. I want the whole truth that makes sense, and a really, really big apology.
But I'll never get that.

Anyway, working from home today and need to get started. Lots to catch up on and I probably should have some coffee first so I can think better.

Counseling appt tonight, then I'm going to see if I can catch a meeting for adult children of alcholics right afterwards. Time may be tight, though. I have a feeling it could be useful, I met someone who told me she goes to them.

I feel so homeless... I sort of regret leaving. He could have left and I could have been in my home still. On the other hand, I am much removed from the drama that would otherwise have been going on. He would have had so much stuff left at the house and I would probably have had to meet her at some point. But I am disgusted that she is in my house.

[Painter]

What an interesting evening. I had an hour with my counselor, then drove straight to a 2-hour meeting for adult children of alcoholics. My IC wondered if it could be a little much for me to deal with in the middle of all the M upheaval, but when she realized I wanted to work on relationship patterns and what happened in the M with WH, and not so much my alcoholic parent (already been through a lot of that process).

Both WH and I had an alcoholic parent. None of us were victims of violence, but obviously the dysfunction that comes with alcoholism. Last ex-W had an alcoholic father (and a mentally ill mother). OW had an alcoholic father (who she seemingly adored) and drinks herself, from what WH has told me. He also likes to drink - more than I enjoyed. I don't know about the three earlier wives, but I'd be curious to know.

So lots of material there to think about. It was incredibly interesting to hear the stories around the table and I had many aha-moments as people were talking. I want to go back next week and see where this goes.

[Phoebe]

That sounds like a very interesting and germaine subject to explore. Follow that trail and see where it leads you.

It's super late, so I'm just popping in to say hello and wish you a sound nights sleep. So glad you're on the upswing again.

(((Painter)))

[Painter]

Thanks, Phoebe, I hope you get some sleep soon, too. I'm still up - have been crying again. Wrote a 'why oh why' e-mail to H that I didn't send but saved to drafts with many others.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'm on a rapid rollercoaster of emotions these days, it seems.

[roist]

It is good to write those emails to H but you are right not to send them. I think that down the line you would regret it.

All your interactions should be from a place of strength. Showing hurt and attachment will show you as being weak and may make you feel weak for having done so.

This is not a tactic to be more attractive to H (though it is more attractive than falling apart), but more so for you to hold your head up and not REact to his shiitt. Don't give him any reaction.

Furthermore if there was any doubt that you did the wrong thing by moving out, you know you were right. Protect yourself.

You are not weak. You have gone through a lot and you are hurting.TThis makes you human, not weak.

Google excel at life. There is some great stuff there to read or listen to.

Treat yourself to something TODAY.Buy yourself a littlepleasure if you can or just make time for a little pleasure.

Best wishes