2T, I totally get it about the wedding… I would be angry too. Hell, I’m still angry about my son was not invited to my H’s niece’s weddings, and H not doing anything about it… But… I agree with what job said about the patience… Not sure I would be capable of following the advice myself… All I can think is “you’ve got to be kidding me…” But… all I think is about making a comment, like… “sure H, I can understand that this is the MOST important even in your life! You cannot miss this under any circumstances!!! You absolutely have to be there no matter what!!! There are going to be the most important memories of your life!!! This family needs you as no one else!!!” And then I would leave it at that…
2T, please don’t take this as an advise. Get that patience shovel re-instated! Listen to what job says. Ultimately, it is up to you regarding the final outcome. If you decide that this is not for you (which I keep thinking about in my own sitch), you can do what you want.
Thinking of you…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
First off I want to express my sincere gratitude for this forum. It's great to know that I can express my feelings here among those who have walked or are walking this path and know that they understand.
Bright ... I will find that patience shovel!
Job ... Thank you so much for the pep talk. You're right. I shouldn't be comparing what happens today with what happened in the past because things have changed. That wedding thing just stung though. I'll take your advice and let it go.
After posting my rant, I texted H and told him I didn't answer his calls because I was trying to work through some issues and didn't think it was a good time to talk. He just replied ok and he hoped I worked it out and got a good night's sleep. I thanked him for his understanding.
This morning he called the office as usual and immediately asked if he'd done something wrong. I said no and I guess I was just having a post vacation, back to same old grind moment and vaguely referenced stuff at the office. He seemed to accept that.
He said he had set his clock to get up early so he could call me before I went to bed to find out about my trip. That prompted me to say that now I felt bad (and I do). He just said no problem. I told him that was very sweet and it meant a lot to me that he did that. I told him I was sorry I was too self-absorbed to pick up the phone. Then I added that he knows me well and knows I have my moments and at least I didn't invite him to my pity party like I've done in the past. He laughed. So, all good.
After talking a bit about business, he said he'd had the worst weekend of his life. I asked what happened, but he was very vague in his answer and I obviously didn't press. He went on to talk about happiness again and said he's not a happy person (apparently someone there pointed that out to him recently) and although he tries, he just can't "be happy." He said I've tried this and that (naming a couple of things, like meditation), or being happy in the moment, but nothing works. He said what my IC suggested (that he might be depressed) may be valid and he planned to "explore" that. He sounded very down.
I just said I completely understood .... been there. I told him if he ever needed anything from me, just let me know.
I have no clue what's going on over there, but he came across as really struggling. He is a very unhappy man and doesn't seem to be trying to wear that "happy" mask to hide it.
So, again, thank you everyone for putting up with my pity party. I'm so glad I could get all that venom out here and not add to H's issues because he seems somewhat fragile at the moment.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I think you are struggling with the wedding because it shows how misplaced his loyalties and priorities are. Also anything that H does that affects MY kids hurts me more than anything he does to me. That night that I asked him to leave I couldn't live with myself not because I would miss him, but because I would not be the person that allowed him to hurt our kids. Your H's behaviour has impacted on your family, don't you think that could be the reason why this wedding bothers you? In a way other women threaten your relationship with H, but this surrogate daughter being a priority hurts your grandkids. That's how I see it, sorry if I'm miles out.
As job said, you need to let go of that (as well as everything else you've already let go off). Maybe even see it as mildly positive in the sense that it means he might be coming out of his fog?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Thanks, Esame. I've managed to let go of it. There's nothing I can do to change it anyway. It's true, isn't it? We do have to let go of a lot.
Talked to H a short while ago. There is definitely something going on over there and/or with him. He called in later than usual and was very short, snapped at me over something trivial and was in a really awful mood. He hasn't been like that with me on the phone for quite a while. It didn't make sense to me because we had just sent some very positive feedback to him about a project he's been working on.
After he snapped at me, he started complaining because he needed a beer and couldn't find his opener and left the phone for a minute. By the time he came back, I had gone into STFU mode and just replied to him when necessary. I guess he picked up on that and the difference in my usually pleasant phone voice with him. He apologized, saying he'd had a very frustrating day and he didn't mean to take it out on me.
I replied that everyone has off days and he knows I have them too, so I understand and then I went into "friend" mode. He started to soften and by the end of the conversation he seemed to have calmed down some.
I have no clue what's going on over there but it's obvious something is eating at him big time. He keeps talking about frustrating days, the "worst weekend of my life," and happiness issues but gives no details and I have no intention of asking. Whatever it is, he'll tell me when he wants me to know .... if he wants me to know. And if he does spill the beans, I hope I'm ready to handle whatever it is.
Quite puzzling but, again, out of my control.
Just made my reservation to see Me Before You this weekend. Hope it's enjoyable.
Oh, and my big accomplishment. The Internet went out at the house and after determining that it wasn't a problem with our service, I figured out the issue and fixed it myself. I was so proud of myself last night. It felt really, really good!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
You're right, Esame. No way to know what's going on unless he chooses to tell me, but I learned to accept that a long time ago. I will say this, though. Job is right. If you remain quiet and just listen carefully, you learn a lot.
He did send a text overnight with an apology and apologized to me again on the phone.
I'm just happy that he realized what he was doing WHILE he was doing it (without me saying anything about it), stopped and got control. And, of course, that he followed up with an apology. He's come a long way since the monster days. He still has moments (obviously), but interaction with him has been much more peaceful and pleasant lately.
I just wish he felt safe enough to talk to me about whatever is going on with him, but no way would I push that. Maybe one day he will. Who knows?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I got a call from my D and she thinks her H46 is having an EA if not a PA with an OW.
She said that two weeks ago he was telling her much she meant to him and then he totally turned, telling her he wanted a "break" from the marriage, saying he wanted to "live as roommates" and angrily pointing out all the "bad" things she had done to him going back years.
It just broke my heart. She is partially handicapped and has been the primary breadwinner for many years. He hasn't had a "job" in over 10 years, always coming up with get rich fast plans that don't pan out or end of costing them money.
Apparently they've had some very vocal fights that her 4 kids have overheard while he ranted and spewed all his venom at her.
My SIL is a POS and always has been. I despise him. But, he was my D's H and the father of my grandkids, so I put a smile on my face and tolerated him. But now?
My D is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and her kids, but her handicap makes it so much more difficult.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
This guy ... my SIL ... is the one person my H always brings up when he is talking "around" coming home and mending fences. It's as if facing SIL is his biggest fence to hurdle.
And my SIL is the one who has been the most unforgiving ... cutting off his kids from H (and me, to some extent ... he told my D he didn't understand why I even talked to H). SIL even went so far as to tell my GD17 that her Grandpa had cheated on Grandma (just found that out today). And now, he's doing the same chit to my D.
I can't say that this is totally surprising, but I definitely didn't want this for my D.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
So ... do I say anything about all this to H? There's always been this "competition" between H and SIL and this would give H "validation" in some respects ... that SIL is not better or more "pure" than H ... that SIL's "high road" is not so high.
What do I do?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
