slow and steady 2x ... you cannot take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself first. go on your trip, heal yourself, then you will be in better shape to help your sister. Sorry for her illness. Right now the doctors are doing their thing, so you go do yours. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
2T I'm so pleased your sister is getting different treatment and medication, I hope it will work for her. How old is she? Is the pneumonia connected to some ongoing health problem or because she is underweight?
Those conversations with your husband sound really positive to me. The fact that he can recall those happy days is so important, I remember a quote that I read that said that "the human brain is Velcro for negative experiences and Tefal for positive ones". I think that's why we all tend to remember more bad stuff, and obviously when it comes to MLC it's so much harder to see the positives.
I agree with your H, enjoy your trip and don't feel any guilt! You deserve time to yourself
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
The trip was amazing and such a needed get away. I got to cross off some landmarks I hadn't seen and wandered in and out of stores giving my willpower quite a workout, but it held up.
Texted H a couple of times (at his request) to let him know I was okay and texted when I got home. I told him that although I knew we had worked together as a team, I realized that if it weren't for his hard work I never would have been able to take the amazing trip I just did. I told him I wanted him to know I appreciated all the good things in my life that he made happen.
Got a reply yesterday morning saying he was glad I enjoyed the trip and thanking me for what I said. Haven't heard a peep out of him since.
A couple of interesting things happened just before I left.
H continued the conversation we were having about happiness via text later that evening and talked about how he looked for "happy moments" and at the end of the day he would reflect and hopefully the happy moments outnumbered the times he wasn't so happy. He gave me an example of a moment that made him happy and said looking at his day that way was a way to cope.
He said there were many things that were missing that he thought would bring him happiness so he just concentrates on "moments" instead of dwelling on what's missing.
He also said he was glad he had a friend like me who understands him.
One other thing he said on the phone is that sometimes he will decide he wants to go have a beer with a friend and so he'll call someone. He said sometimes he may have to call 5 or 6 people until he comes to someone who is available ... or he'll just go by himself.
I found all that interesting because it shows Job is right about his life not being one big party and there is alone time that he tries to escape.
I also find it interesting that he seems to have stopped looking for that "over-all" happiness and is instead focusing on little things that make him happy "in the moment."
One tidbit about BIL that backfired on him. BIL was made aware of a mistake I had made about a week ago (nothing major, actually) but he took the opportunity to send a group text to me and H about it. I read the text after parking my car at the airport to catch my flight out.
I can't tell you how angry I was because there was no reason to say anything at all to H. It didn't affect his job and he couldn't fix it anyway. I saw it as seizing an opportunity to put me in a bad light and get H riled up with me over something.
H gets angry or short with BIL from time to time (and rightfully so ... BIL says and does dumb stuff sometimes). I assume BIL thought H would do the same to me. It all came across to me as a "gotcha!"
But it backfired. I told H I thought BIL was trying to stir up chit in the hopes H would get angry with me. H's response was that he doesn't get angry or lose his temper with me anymore and hasn't for 2 years. (It's actually been about 9 months since he last snapped at me over something, but I'll let the time thing go). I'm just glad H sees things for what they are.
Still, it was a pretty lousy way to start my trip.
So, tomorrow it's back to the grind at the office and catching up on things. But BIL won't be in for a couple of days. YEAH!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I'm glad you had a great time away and got some much needed rest. Sometimes we have to take some time for ourselves and do things that are totally different from our day-to-day routine. Now, you are ready to face the week and yes, that BIL.
Oh, yeah! Your BIL wanted to put it to you just as you were leaving for your trip. He wanted to get your h so angry that it would ruin your time away. I'm glad it didn't.
Keep up the good work. BTW, how is your sister doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh yes, my sister. I forgot to update her sitch ... maybe because I have no idea what her sitch is.
I've tried to call 3 or 4 times over the last week and it goes to voice mail. I leave messages and get no reply. I've texted at least a half dozen times to check on her and get no response.
I'm working under the assumption that no news is good news. Her H would let me know otherwise.
This is not unusual for her. She's a strange bird and I learned a long time ago that she will get around to me when she's ready.
It really is amazing. If you put the two of us side by side, you'd never know we were sisters. We were both raised in the same house, had the same love from our parents, the same opportunities to lead successful lives and the difference between us today is like day and night.
She totally squandered her opportunities. She dropped out of high school, hooked up with a bad crowd, got into drugs, spent some time in rehab, got her GED but never held onto a decent paying job. She did get a beauticians license, but only did that for about a year before she quit. Unfortunately, my mother was always there to prop her up.
Her H is a saint. I sometimes wonder how he puts up with her.
She developed a lot of resentment toward me because she didn't "have" what I "had" but never really understood that you have to work for what you have ... it rarely just falls into you lap unless you win a lottery or something like that. She has felt for years that life gave her a raw deal and believes I've been the "lucky one."
We've had a strained R for many years, but became closer the last couple of years my Mom was alive. The R is still somewhat strained, although I've put forth a lot of effort to make it a better one. Actually, DBing has helped a lot in that area. But, like a M, it takes two and sometimes she gets her panties in a wad because I'm healthy and she's the sick one.
She doesn't seem to understand that she's led a very unhealthy lifestyle and that may have more to do with where she is than "luck." I have to just wait for her to cycle back to putting some importance on what's left of her family.
In the meantime, I have to assume that her H will let me know if anything happens. But, I'll keep trying to get in touch with her.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2T, sounds like you had a great trip! Interesting conversation with your H about the happiness. I still feel somewhat responsible for my H’s unhappiness for the last couple of years before the BD. I guess I had my own issue, which I recognize now.
Your BIL is something… I hope this whole thing will NOT escalate and he will not make it even more complicated between you and H. He sounds like a selfish person, or... not so bright, LOL. Good thing that he will not be in the office for a couple of days.
I hope your sister gets better. And I hope she will appreciate your good intentions and the family she has.
Take care 2T.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
2T I'm glad the trip went well. Sorry about your BIL trying to cause you issues and ruining the start of your trip, families really complicate things sometimes don't they?
I hope your sister will continue to get better. Sending you hugs at this difficult time.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Bright ... my IC tells me all the time that you can't "make" someone else happy. Don't beat yourself up. If he was unhappy, he could have voiced that to you and clued you in and enlisted you to help him find his answers. I've come to realize that my H's unhappiness comes from inside him and his unhappiness with the person he is. There's not a dang thing I can do to fix that. I didn't cause it. And neither did you.
As for BIL ... he's not so bright. He tries to cover that up, but it ain't working. One of our managers told me today that he's made remarks about H and I talking. I think BIL thought H checked out (and he did) and all of sudden, H is paying attention. I see it as an ego/power thing. It will be interesting to see how it plays out.
Esame ... BIL did ruin the beginning of my trip, but once I was on my way, I was good. I was so upset, I took the tram to the wrong terminal and had to backtrack to the right one ... at an airport I know like the back of my hand!
Families do complicate things, but it's worse when they're involved in a business. I just don't see this ending well for H. It was a hair-brained idea to bring BIL on board, but H was so deep in the fog at that time .... This will be one HE has to deal with. I'm staying as far away as I possibly can.
So, now I have to rant so I won't rant at H. Please bear with me.
I talked to H for the first time in a week. He started off apologizing because he "wanted" to call on Sunday to hear about my trip, but the day "got away" from him. I'm calling BS on that. He's like 12 hours different and could have called if he weren't either otherwise engaged or not in a condition to carry on a coherent conversation. Okay, par for the course.
But the kicker is this ... our assistant's sister is getting married. He has long considered our assistant and her sister as something like surrogate daughters.
Anyway, the marriage is arranged and the father set the date for July 10. H was supposed to come back on then 6th. He told me today he changed his flight from the "8th" (hey, I ain't dumb) to come back on the 12th so he could go to this gal's wedding.
I was aware of the wedding and the date via a text he sent while I was in NYC and pretty much expected him to do this, but was hoping he wouldn't. I simply responded to his rescheduling by saying that I figured he'd do that.
So here's my thing. He's missed 4 anniversaries, my last birthday (and behaved like an a$$ for the two prior), 3 Thanksgivings and a host of other "special" occasions the past 3 years. He even flew out of here a week before my mother's funeral. He could have rescheduled his flight to attend my Mom's funeral, but didn't. He had a New Year's Eve bash to attend! But he can reschedule for a wedding for some gal in India who he considers a "surrogate" daughter?
What about the 6 step-grandkids who view him as their favorite grandpa? I'm just disgusted by this behavior.
I am so angry right now. I don't care if I ever see his face again.
I am so tired of being patient and understanding and forgiving.
I would love to have a considerate, devoted and FAITHFUL man to share my life with, but I just don't see him fulfilling that role. I have serious doubts he ever will.
I see signs of him "waking up" but I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to get his head out of his a$$ and be an adult.
So, Job, where do I find that patience? Is this a lost cause? Should I just cash in my chips? I can do that and I know I'll be fine. But, am I cashing in too soon?
Why is this so important to me and why is this more unsettling than OW2? I don't get it.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
"So, Job, where do I find that patience? Is this a lost cause? Should I just cash in my chips? I can do that and I know I'll be fine. But, am I cashing in too soon?"
Where to you find the patience? You dig deeper within your soul. If you have the patience to deal w/your BIL, then you've got more patience to help you w/your h.
Is this a lost cause? "Should I just cash in my chips?" Only you can decide whether to cash in your chips.
Since you are asking these questions, then you aren't ready to toss in the towel. Trust me, you will know when you are done. Anger has a way of discouraging you and that's when I notice you begin to talk of cashing in your chips. Use that anger to spur you on w/a project or push you to do a new hobby, but try not to allow it to sway your thought when it comes to tossing in your chips. You do not want to make any decisions such as this when you are angry, hurt, disgusted or just plain disgruntled. Major decisions need to be made when you are calm and level headed.
I do understand why you are asking these questions now, i.e., because of his attendance at the wedding. Keep in mind, he may not have attended this wedding if it had taken place last year or even six months ago. However, I do sense from your postings that he's starting to wake up a bit and reconnecting. These are very good signs and huge baby steps. Try not to compare what he's doing now to what he didn't do months, even years ago. Depression has a way of distorting things for those in it. Not making excuses...but depression really messes people up in many ways. As they begin to wake up and/or as the depression fog begins to lift, they begin to take an interest in life, people and events once again. So, I'm not surprised that he's starting to take an interest in people and yes, even attending a wedding of someone who isn't related in any way to him. He could go to this wedding and feel comfortable being there. No one was judging him for what he's done and he could just be himself (whether it's the MLC self or the old H). There were no expectations as to how he should behave/interact w/others.
I think the reason his attendance at the wedding is so important to you is because he's missed so many other special events over the last few years and yet, he can attend a wedding whereby the person isn't even related to him. I know that this hurt your feelings and you feel it's not right, but you have to let it go for now. At some point, you might have the opportunity to talk to him about it...but now isn't the time. Why? Because you are hurt and angry and could very well say something that you can't take back. I am going to suggest that you let it go for now until you are calmer. The door of opportunity will open very soon for this discussion.
