Weird Reaction

[StepUp]

I am not doing it to hurt her, more to get her attention and show I am serious since I have been so passive.

Remember she has planned a weekend getaway with this man and she does not know that I am onto her affair.

The list I was reading from Sandi2 said she should take a hit with a hard, maybe painful consequence of some kind.

This is my best chance to get her full attention, especially if she has to cancel plans and come home early.

One more thing to keep in mind, my WW was a very strong Christian at one time. This level of evil is something I have never seen in her before. It is like she is under a spell or something. I know that I must act out of love and genuine concern for her soul.

And mind you, if she wants to come back that is fine, but only if she accepts full responsibility for her actions, is remorseful and we mutually agree to forgive our pasts with no resentments. She will have to follow my accountability plan and seek christian marital counseling with me.

[Coconut]

If she doesn't know that you know about the A, then maybe confront her with that knowledge first, then tell her that you will not live in a 3 person Marriage, and until she has NC with the OM, this is what you are doing.

[StepUp]

She has always denied the A, whenever I asked/accused her.

I just know for sure because I have read the texts on her phone this week.

When I put her out the MBR I will tell her that I will not tolerate an open M.

But I will still go through with the plan so she knows I am serious.

[Cristy]

Hello StepUp,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Boundaries are a good thing, but you need to be very cautious in how you present/implement them. Remember to keep you eye on the goal of reconciliation. Does your plan get you the response you are looking for?

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[StepUp]

I wish I could tell you guys last night went smoothly and that I passed with flying colors. I did not.

It was really difficult.

Sandi2, you were right, she is going to fight me to the death.

I moved the money to a separate checking account and have the money we stashed for the Maui trip but did not tell her what I have done yet.

She came come at about 11 or so, happy and dancing from wherever she had just came from.

I told her I thought she should sleep in a different room. She asked why, I said I think we should separate as this is not working. No mention of the affair as I thought she might become defensive again and deny the whole thing.

She went downstairs for a while. Then she started packing her stuff. She wanted me to stop her, I did not. She then asked me to put our daughter in the car with her so as not to wake her. I did not dispute/ I obliged. (She had said prior she had arranged to stay with her sister should she ever want to leave) She left. I did not stop her. She called me to say she was dropping off our daughter and she was going to go sleep in the car tonight. I said sleep in the car? No answer.

I put our daughter back in her bed (she was sound asleep the whole time). I went to bed. Maybe an hour later she is in the bedroom. She says her back is hurting (she has chronic back pain) and she is sleeping in the bed. I sit up and look her in the eye. I get up and attempt to hold her and said we can reconcile this. She pushes me away and does not want me to touch her. She gets in bed I massage her back for 10 mins and go to sleep.

[Coconut]

Don't take this the wrong way, but WHAT!!!!! Let me ask you, are you willing to live in a Open Marriage? You need to man up and let her know what you will not accept, and what the consequence is if done. She doesn't want you to touch her but you give her a massage, dude, man up.

Let her know you saw the texts, tell her you will not be in a open marriage, tell her you will not share your marital bed with a cheater. Do not give her back massages or mixed messages. Tell her what she will need to do to get back in the M, and stick with it. I'm gonna go grab a quote from Sandi2 on being a lighthouse. Tell her all of this with confidence, stay strong and let her know you mean it..

[Coconut]

To sum this another way...........the H must take a stand. He is the lighthouse. She is out there in the waves being tossed around by her emotions. When she looks at him, she needs to see him standing tall and strong. He shines a beam of light to show her how to get back into a healthy MR. It is up to her to follow the lighted way or remain in stormy waters. When he tells her what it will take to save the MR, that is shinning the beam of light..........he is showing her the way back. It takes a great deal of strength to stand firmly and not crash under the strain. If the lighthouse is sending mixed messages.......well, you can see what a mess it could be.

[StepUp]

Amen Coconut, thank you so much!

I rarely stand up to the WW, I will pick myself up and press ahead

[StepUp]

I feel that I have lost all my credibility because I folded last night. Not sure what is going to happen next. My gut tells me D papers will be waiting for me to sign when I get home tonight.

[Coconut]

Step up, you'll be ok, a mistake doesn't end everything, but it does set you back. The key is consistency, and a mistake breaks up the consistency.

When you say you rarely step up to your WW, I just want to make sure it's clear that we are not suggesting you get angry, or loud, or any other attack mode. It's letting her know that you are not ok with something, and what the consequence of such action is if it's done (boundaries). I.e. We are married and it is not ok for you to come home at all hours of the night, I will be locking the doors at 11pm... Or, I will not live in or be a part of a open marriage, I will not share the marital bed with a cheater, etc... Re read the validation and boundaries links that cadet gave you on page 1.

Also, edit your profile to identify your sitch, just go to my stuff, then click on edit profile and go to the bottom.. See my stuff below this to get an idea of what to put.