Esame, Not only do you need a large amount of duct tape, but also several patience shovels will help you along the way. We also have STFU smoothies that Cali began handing out a while ago.
Your "under employment" had absolutely nothing to do w/him going off the MLC rails. Your h has unresolved childhood issues that he needs to face, accept and grow up. Had he had the proper coping skills, he would have been able to sit down and discuss the financial situation w/you instead of seeking the company of someone else and sharing info about you and the marriage w/that same person.
No, Esame, it's not you...it's HIM!
Enjoy the time you spend w/your MIL. Try not to allow the MLC monster into this quality time you have w/her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So the parents in law left yesterday, and all I could think of was that I can now go back to sleeping on my own. How terrible is that? How did we come to this?
In reality, I didn't. I slept in our bed because I think it would seem like I don't appreciate what he does and how hard he tries. I don't know how long I can do that for though.
My car broke down which is terrible, but it gave me the kick on the backside I needed to start walking again. And you know what? I LOVE IT! Why did I just hop on the car without a second thought before, even for short trips? I love walking, it has always been what kept me fit,Manc then I just stopped doing it.
Will post more later...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I slept on the sofa last night, I somehow couldn't bring myself to sleep with him in our bed while he is still rejecting me. I think as a one off it wouldn't seem odd, but I should not make a habit of it. I need to stop seeing it as rejection, but I cannot handle it at the moment. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and I think there are two separate issues. Firstly I cannot understand how could he hug me and give me kisses and back rubs but not take it further. Why does he ask me to stroke his hair or cuddle him? Secondly I feel like the longer it takes the more distant we get. Now I feel self conscious next to him, and every time he touches me I feel like a stranger touches me. I have had issues with previous relationships and abuse as a teenager, and my healthy relationship with H was helping me mentally. Now that he took that away I feel dysfunctional again. I feel like I have to force myself to love him, and at the same time protect myself from the rejection. How can I do that when I'm struggling to get out of bed some mornings. How can I do that at the same time as using every inch of willpower I have to stop crying around the kids or myself to sleep.
Anyway, there is not much I can do about it, I'm just counting the days for the summer holidays so that I can have some real distance between us. I used to think that he might miss me, but I doubt it now. I think I just have to wait for him to come out of his fog, and meanwhile work on myself and my future. This is still a vital year for my university work, I must concentrate on that!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I'm sending virtual hugs to you. It's so difficult to handle the mixed signals and try to make sense of it all.
One thing that Job and others talk about frequently is the tendency of MLCers to revert to an earlier time period in theirs lives. When I read your post about your H wanting cuddling or stroking or back rubs, but nothing further, it sounded a lot like a little boy wanting love and affection from Mom. That kind of affection would be appropriate from a parent, but not a romantic kind of affection. Maybe that's what's going on with him??? Maybe that's all he "needs" right now. Maybe you shouldn't look at is as rejection, but as him not "needing" the kind of love you want to give right now and him not being able to give you the kind of love you want/need at this point. I think you can give him that kind of attention if you want, but I don't think you should expect anything much in return. He may simply not be capable of anything more.
As far as feeling dysfunctional and fighting back tears, my advice would be to try to take the focus of what you're yearning for and missing and turn it toward you and what you can do for yourself to get you through this. I know ... easier said than done and it's really, really hard to do. It took me a long time, but I found it helpful to take time every day to think about the many blessings I have in my life and remind myself that I'm a pretty tough cookie and can weather this storm. It also helped once I finally realized that I am not powerless. I may not be able to change him or how he feels about me, but I can sure change me and how I feel about me.
I also wanted to say something about one of your earlier posts regarding not being dependent on H financially. I learned that lesson after my D from XH many years ago. And it's something I preached to my daughter and still do to my granddaughters. I like that attitude and every young woman should be taught to be self-reliant because we never know what life may throw at us.
{{{HUGS}}}
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Sometimes, when your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people's active participation apply to you.
That's why I decided to write 10 Marriage Saving Strategies You Can Do Alone! for those people who don't have the luxury of their partner's support.
Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself!
1. Envision positive outcomes
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change in your marriage if you don't believe it is possible.
Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner.
The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.
2. Act as if you expect positive outcomes
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!
3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused.
Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.
4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track.
Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going.
Then focus on that.
5. Promise yourself that you will have a great future, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children, if you have them.
Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to create a great future, regardless of your spouse's choices.
6. Exercise your worry away
I live in Boulder and the people here take this to heart!
Take a walk, get some exercise to become more fit.
Exercise can be a lifesaver. It helps to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins.
Go for it!
7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.
8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying in the moment becomes a challenging task.
You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.
9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track.
If you've veered from the Divorce Busting® plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.
10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars.
On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself.
You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.
All my best,
Michele
NYGal posted this in Pink's thread and I found it so helpful that I'm quoting here.. I need to read it over and over!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I've just realised something. As far as H is concerned, I've got nothing to lose. I don't mean about us as a family or as a couple, but me, personally. I have already lost my H, whatever comes now will not be any worse, because he is not giving me anything now, I don't need him. In a way, I feel empowered, but I am still mourning for the relationship I thought we had.
Everything I read says that the new relationship we develop might be better, but I cannot see that yet. He says he wants us to try, but there is no effort on his part. I feel further away from him every day, sleeping in the baby's room every night now. the friendly hugs creep me out, I cannot explain it but I feel cheap when he cuddles me. How did we get here?
How can we bridge this distance, its growing every day. I just need to keep reminding myself, that I really have nothing left to lose in this relationship.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Esame, I'm glad you are currently feeling a sense of empowerment. You are right though, even though it's tough, there's truly nothing else to lose (in terms of the R and m with your h). Remain grateful for everything you do have and for those things you can maintain without your h.
I feel you about the distance and the great divide that seems to grow further and further apart with each passing day. Sometimes I realize that this time and distance is so very necessary, but it does get scary to let go and trust that if we're truly meant to bridge that gap.... It could happen. In the meantime, just try to move forward and take steps every day to be an awesome human!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
It seems that after the empowerment came the next step which is me not actually pretending to be caring and supportive any longer. I tried to be nice, and give hints, and be there and all I get is negativity and insults, and you know what, I had enough. He says he wants to try, well he better start trying. I'm through with the limbo, I've got my own problems and mental health to worry about. I cry when I want to cry, and do pretty much what I want to. Can things get worse? I doubt it. Like I said, I feel like I've got nothing to lose at this point. I need to concentrate on the kids and my university work, I cannot do that as a mental wreck.
I used to feel guilty, and I though that with the current situation with the MIL I should do things for him, be there, be supportive, be nice. This gets me nowhere, he tortures me with the constant rejection. I love him, and I'm willing to work hard for us, but not at the expense of my sanity. If I have a breakdown who will look after my kids? We have no one in the country, we are alone. I'm not strong enough to to show love while he is more distant every day. Is that detachment, going dark or being a horrible person? I don't know, but I have nothing else to give at this moment in time.
And I cannot shift the feeling that I'm being played. And I'm too old for games, never liked them much...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, I'm so glad you got to spend time with the ILs and that you get along. I can't even imagine sleeping in the same bed as H while this is going on though. That spoke volumes to me.
The one thing that I am still learning from this whole DBing thing is, when telling us to GAL and stop focusing on H, it really is about finding you and staying true to you.
I, at first, thought that meant I could still do all the things I did as a wife (cook for him, clean for him, do nice things for him) since I thought that's who I was. I thought I could still do it and detach. Even after he left I would wait til he came over and try to make food for him, and if he wouldn't eat it I'd insist he take it with him to show I cared. But a wise person told me, "you can't nice them back". They were right. It just made me sad and angry...and focus more on H.
Well, I AM nice. I have changed my way of doing things though. I had to figure out what I need to make me happy and who I am. I have my goals and am pursuing them...just like you. I am leaving him be, for the most part. I don't call him unless I have to. I treat him like a neighbor...offer a beer if I'm having one while we're working. I don't pry into his life. I DO ask after his family. I do answer his questions about my life (he asks more now). I do ask how he's doing.
But I own what I did in our marriage and am trying to work on that because I should. It is my problem to fix. So, I listen to him now. I encourage him to talk about his issues WHEN HE STARTS TO TALK. I just encourage him when he says, "you don't want to hear about it". Whether it helps US or not, it will help him. I want him to tackle his issues because I care. I can't fix him...only he can. But I can be supportive on his journey.
"I tried to be nice, and give hints, and be there and all I get is negativity and insults, and you know what, I had enough. He says he wants to try, well he better start trying."
Your H is angry and vindictive right now. Maybe back off completely. That last sentence tells me (I could be wrong) that you're still trying to control his part of the sitch. He is trying to tell you to give him space with his behavior...do it. Let him heal on his own timeline.
"I used to feel guilty, and I though that with the current situation with the MIL I should do things for him, be there, be supportive, be nice. This gets me nowhere, he tortures me with the constant rejection. I love him, and I'm willing to work hard for us, but not at the expense of my sanity."
You can show your MIL you care for her. You can control that behavior...its yours to control. But doing things for him and doing anything above and beyond being civil when you are forced together WILL be rejected right now...because he wants space from you. Just space from any responsibility of any kind. Hurt animals usually run off to be alone to heal. Think of him that way. Be there to offer sympathy IF HE COMES TO YOU, or you will get bit. Stop getting bit.
Pull back and leave him to himself. When he sees you, be happy...with yourself. He doesn't need to believe your fawning over him. That's not being very true to yourself, right now, is it? Keep your interactions light and breezy, keep loving your kids, friends and IL. Show you care about everyone. Just don't REACH OUT to him. He'll smack your hand away... hard. Just let him see your happiness, love and caring from a distance. That's when your anger and sadness will start to wane. Let him go.
I'm still learning this btw. But I'm seeing it. I care for you, Esame. Stay strong, find you and stay true.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
