Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

Starting a new thread per Cadet:)

It's been a good couple days for me. S graduated from kindergarten yesterday. That was a great day. W and I had breakfast together before we went. She cried a lot during his ceremony and showed raw emotion. We have been getting along great. No R talk! She even asked me my opinion on changing her hair. Also she made plans with another couple for us to go out together.
Even though she has been using that word "skeptical" her actions seem like they are in the right direction. Although I'm still keeping my space and not instigating anything or trying to read too much into it
I've actually become kind of happy that this has happened and that it has put me on the path of the man I want to be
There is a lot of things from my past that I brought to this R and I don't want to have it hanging anymore. Whether its my current marriage or one in the future, I want to be the best husband and father I can be. I want to be happy for me.
This space has allowed me to do that.
I'm reading The Solo Partner right now and I have learned so much about my triggers and what pushes my buttons.
Although I know it can't be fixed overnight. I know that it can be fixed and that puts me in very good place

[roist]

As cadet says it is a gift if embraced fully

[cbtdad]

Very true Roist!
That's how I'm looking at it
I've definitely detached a good bit which is what I needed to do to be able to stay in the same house
I would be lying if I said I've detached completely, but I've come far enough to not let everything she does or doesn't do affect my attitude
Learning to can control me and not control my environment has been key and it will be a long road to make it to where it's habit
That's the goal for me
Hopefully saving my first marriage is a by product of that, but if not that ok as well
I just wanna know that I tried 100 percent. That's all I can do

[job]

Previous Thread:

Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

[cbtdad]

Just an update on things.
W and I still in separate bedrooms. We are getting along great and laughing a lot. Our communication is so much better. I've really learned a lot about my verbal abuse and how it has affected our marriage and made my wife numb. It's something that is going to take a lot of work on my part. I still don't know if it will save my marriage, but I can't constantly worry about that.
I am continuing to focus only on the things that I can control.
I do not mind read, bring up R, or temp check.
I am just living in the moment with were things are currently at.
I do realize that this is going to take time. My verbally abusive and controlling ways brought my W to place that will be hard for her to trust that I can change. I now see this clearly.
As I say all the time this is a sprint not a marathon.
On a positive note her actions, other than romantic, are all positive. Even things like asking if we have plans for 4th of July. Scheduling family trip at the end of July. Things like that which wouldn't be happening if she didn't think things would improve.
Only time will tell. For now I will be focusing on me and the things I can control.
Headed to the river with my S for a couple of a days this afternoon and I'm looking forward to the time with just him and I
It's so much fun when we get to just get away the two of us

[Coconut]

CBT, sounds like your in a great place, way ahead of me on detaching... My mind is still on overdrive and I over analyze almost everything. I'm glad to see you get it, and your self recognition is fantastic, sounds like you are becoming the man you want to be.

[Accuray]

Hey cbtdad, just catching up.

Here's my perspective on your interchange with W -- it was very helpful that you posted it all. W was upset that you "stuck her at home to deal with S6". That's really what it was about, she felt that you left her alone to deal with him while you went off and had fun. Everything else was a red herring.

When you then got into the discussion of what you told S6 and when, it didn't matter. There was a 0.0% chance she was going to absorb what you were saying, stop and think, and say "Oh! I see he's right, I should apologize." In fact, the more you rebut her version of events, the angrier she's going to get, and will dig in more and more, or will move the ball to be angry about something else.

It is never productive to discuss facts with someone who is emotional -- ever. There is no judge or jury, and you cannot win.

What you need to do is comment on and validate the other person's emotions:

"W, I can see that you're upset by how things have happened this weekend. I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm sure it's frustrating. My conversations with S were different than what he's telling you, but that's not what's important right now."

Try to empathize with how she's feeling and validate it. When she calms down she may ask for your version of events, or she may not, but either way it doesn't matter. Even if you were 100% right she's still mad at you right?

If you feel that you were treated unfairly, the best way to handle it is to say "W, I didn't like how the discussion about the lake went. I'd like to talk to you about it some more (pick a time later)"

That way she has a chance to mentally prepare and will be more likely to be receptive. Then open up that discussion by explaining how you think she felt about it, or how it seemed from her perspective, explain your perspective, and fully own anything you believe you did wrong without asking her to do the same.

Good luck!

Acc

[cbtdad]

Wow Acc!!
You nailed it!
That's exactly how it went down. When I spoke about it with my IC we discussed how I could have handled it differently from the beginning. She said it would have been better to ask if she didn't mind watching S6 so that I could have a day instead of just "telling" her that's what she was going to do. It was more controlling behavior on my part. When we discussed it in MC it was just like you said. She even admitted to being so angry at that point that it didn't matter what I said.
You hit it dead on. I had a chance to validate and empathize and I didn't
That's a big part of what I'm working on.
Listen, validate, empathize.

[cbtdad]

Just coming into my thread to journal a little
S and I are up in the mountains for a couple nights
For some reason I find myself stressing about W and I have snooped on our phone pill a lot. Something I haven't been doing for a few weeks
All of sudden it's like an addiction again.
Not sure if it's because I'm out of town or what
I mean what difference does it make. I can't control what she is doing while I'm in town or not.
Anyways I came here to get it out and set a goal.
Not gonna check bill for rest of trip

[Accuray]

That's a very natural and normal protection instinct. Good for you for recognizing it and setting a goal!