I like the idea of going "darker"... I will do this, keeping in mind DDJ's words, and make sure I'm not doing anything to further "hurt" the situation, or her.
It will give her unexpected time at the house, alone, to work on herself, we know that she needs to. But I can do so without saying "you can have the house for the next 3 days", etc. It will just be her house, when I'm not there, which will be a lot of the time. I can pop in here and there to take care of the animals, and just make quick stops, long stops, etc, as I please and as fit my GAL schedule.
One question about this, I know if she thinks I will not be staying at the house on any given night, she will sleep in the master bedroom. If I come home at 11pm or whatever, and she's sleeping in the master bedroom, do I continue on my words that I'm sleeping on my half of the bed? Or do I just come home and sleep in the spare if she's already setup for the night in the master?
Your word is your honour. Stick to your decisions, we're here because we could not stand up to our WWs.
What I did so well this past vacation is that I disregarded her entirely. My mother even felt bad for her. Just do the same and make as though you're alone in the house.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Really?!?!?! I know you're head is spinning and I've certainly been there. But no........Do not sleep in your half of the bed if she is in MBR. She just filed for D I don't really know exactly how you should handle it, but I do know by doing that you are asking to make this ugly She doesn't seem like the type, from what you have described, to just give in to stuff like that.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
But no........Do not sleep in your half of the bed if she is in MBR. She just filed for D I don't really know exactly how you should handle it, but I do know by doing that you are asking to make this ugly She doesn't seem like the type, from what you have described, to just give in to stuff like that.
I'm still very new to this myself, but I guess I don't see why him following through on his stated expectation - to not be bullied out of his house or bullied out of the MBR - would be a bad thing?
Sure, if a husband saw she snuck into the MBR and he climbs into the bed and goes in for a snuggle or hoping for intimacy, that would obviously be bad.
But if he lets her indirectly kick him out of the MBR simply because she got there first on a given night, what message does that send? How will she act in the future once she knows that simply getting to the MBR first makes it hers and he will back down?
She may not like it, but as before if she is uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangement she is welcome to move to a different room, or stay with her parents, etc.
Like you, even though I am leaning a certain way, I'm not sure the best way to handle it. Is there some "softer touch" approach where he manages expectations by telling her in advance he's not sure when/what time he'll be home but he will be sleeping in the MBR when he gets there? Or something like that to help avoid a blowout?
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Is there some "softer touch" approach where he manages expectations by telling her in advance he's not sure when/what time he'll be home but he will be sleeping in the MBR when he gets there? Or something like that to help avoid a blowout?
I don't see any way for a "softer touch" in this situation. I've tried the "what would it take for you to consider...xyz" approach (recommended by DB coach) and it's always a not good response and ends with her raging about something completely unrelated to the topic.
I think that if I'm there, and she's not, I'll take the master, but if I'm not there and come home late, I'll sleep in the spare bedroom. I don't know if this is "right", but as another stated on here, climbing into bed with her, even with no intentions of intimacy, would only fuel the fire. In a good way? bad way? I don't know. If someone has more theory behind this, I'm all ears. Pretending shes "just not there at all" and "I'm alone" in the house would imply that I should climb into my half of the master bed... but that just seems like asking for trouble.
If i do come home later and she's in the spare bedroom, I will be absolutely flabbergasted, but I just don't see that happening. I want to give her the space she requested/needs, so she can think, cry, yell to no one, slam things around, whatever she 'needs to do' in that house alone, but I don't want to give her the "win" of me saying 'you can have the house for the next 3 days'.
I plan to be very vague, very consumed, and very mysterious, but not to the point where it causes any trust issues. (she already has enough of them that carried over from past relationships).
Pretending shes "just not there at all" and "I'm alone" in the house would imply that I should climb into my half of the master bed... but that just seems like asking for trouble.
So are you afraid of what she will say? That will be on her, if she starts to spew anger what will you do?
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
So are you afraid of what she will say? That will be on her, if she starts to spew anger what will you do?
I'm assuming you mean, if I lay in bed with her, on my side, and she sits up and starts spewing angry comments at me? Options are limited, I can validate first, which seems to not work, because then she just goes on to something else, raises voices, and starts yelling about the entire kitchen sink, then I can choose to lay there and ignore it, tell her that while I'm home I'll be sleeping here in this master bed and she has the choice to stay in bed or move to another room. I can leave the situation completely and go to another room myself, or leave the house all together, or I can knock her out with chloroform and go to sleep peacefully.
None of which seem like anything good will come of them.
I feel like the "right" thing, would be to tell her that 'while i'm here I'm staying in this bed when I sleep", and I know that it won't be taken well, but that seems like the "right" thing to do for ME, which is what I should be focusing on anyways.
