Finding myself and leaving my Wife to her MLC

[ciluzen]

Hey Irish,

I think we all have our out of character bits during this time. You still come across as a forgiving and thoughtful person in your posts, though. You're right, too, in that it is a way of protecting ourselves from the constant onslaught of pain when we think of our MLC spouse.

I think many of us prefer to lean towards remembering the bad memories when we are having a low spot to justify feelings of anger or disappointment in their (MLC) behavior, as in "H has always been a selfish jerk. Back in 2002 I remember that he...". It allows us to not feel guilt in considering closing that door and provides an emotional armor. But it is most likely short lived. We know that that is not who they were.

We married and stayed with our S because there were many more in character behaviors that we enjoyed and responded to by loving them. That's why we made vows. We do have good memories of them and probably have seen flashes of that "old S" even during this crisis. That's when the pain shows up...when we feel the loss of that person. That is what we end up trying to avoid by detaching.

Its not so much a "how can they have stopped loving me" ego trip as some people (at least, in my) IRL seem to think. Its more a matter of "where did that old S go and will they be able to return" question. If we believe that they are still the same person, but working through their issues while in crisis, that's why we find the strength to not only move forward with our own life while still leaving the door cracked open, but to do it without so much anger. To move forward and still be able to remember that there were many good things about our marriages before the MLC.

[inpain]

STBXW replied. Yes i saw my Daughter. nothing to apologize for, they need to accept my choices.

Oh Irish, this made me cry. What a selfish, despicable thing to say about her own daughters and the way she has behaved towards them! I feel so sad for your girls. You are incredibly strong and self controlled to be able to reply so calmly! These MLC really do snatch people away and replace them with a horrible replacement. The only time I've pulled my H up on his treatment of our kids I got a similar reply, "My conscience is clear." How a person's conscience can be clear when they are actively choosing to be with other people rather than their kids in these situations is beyond me.

so sad she still thinks the way she does. I can't imagine the feeling i would have if one of my kids ran from me out of fear and wouldn't even look at me calling them, Ouch.

Yes, ouch exactly. I'm sure it would break your heart, as it would mine. We are not the unusual ones for feeling this way about our kids, they are for feeling nothing as they seem to.

How is this my concern? I replied after 6 texts about her debts.. "Your debts, your relationship with the girls and your possessions are all yours. You own them. How you deal with them is no concern to me. We could of saved thousands if we spent the 168$ each for the final mediation meeting instead of you walking out. Now lawyers are making the money.

if you need to communicate with me please email me from now on. Texting is not a good way to communicate. Have a good day."

This is a great response! I hope that one day I can be firm like this! Hugs, IP

[bttrfly]

But Irish, you are a parent and your children are being hurt ... so I completely understand the lack of forgiveness ... I can forgive my H for his behavior towards me, even the going to Hawaii on our anniversary and trying to stick me with half the bill. I am my most angry when I think of the affect his decisions have had and will have on our boy. Mamma and Papa Bear --- nothing to be ashamed of. Out of character until you factor in the parental bond. So, long way of saying forgive yourself for not being more forgiving, lol ... thank you for your kind words. I find you inspirational also. xoxoxo

[Irish M]

Hi ciluzen, inpain and bttrfly ((((hugs))))

If we believe that they are still the same person, but working through their issues while in crisis, that's why we find the strength to not only move forward with our own life while still leaving the door cracked open, but to do it without so much anger. To move forward and still be able to remember that there were many good things about our marriages before the MLC.

Hi Ciluzen, very well said and it's something that I tend to forget. I know I had a great marriage and family. It's the disbelief that STBXW could do such horrible things to me but most of all the girls. I am a forgiving person and I do use logic when giving someone a chance. That chance however has to be earned and trust has to be rebuilt.

The only time I've pulled my H up on his treatment of our kids I got a similar reply, "My conscience is clear." How a person's conscience can be clear when they are actively choosing to be with other people rather than their kids in these situations is beyond me.

Hi inpain, I doubt their conscience is clear. Mine projects and spews all the things she did as if I did it. It must be eating her up inside. I am also beginning to realize the things she tells people I did is the same story MIL told about FIL when she left him during her crisis. It's like that story is being retold only I'm sitting here saying Huh??
MIL only told her what her father did to her last May. About the time my W flipped her switch and became Elvira.

This is a great response! I hope that one day I can be firm like this!

I see your strength in your words, I see what you advise to others. We sometimes have to read our own suggestions and follow them. You have so much strength.

But Irish, you are a parent and your children are being hurt ... so I completely understand the lack of forgiveness .

This is true for all the parents that see the pain it causes their children. We hoped to raise them healthy and to keep them out of trouble. Nobody ever told me about this.. lol . It needs to be part of the better parenting books. So many families are broken and unnecessary divorces are caused by MLC. I hear so many stories of kids that don't have a dad present or they are adults and don't really see their moms. Why isn't this discussed more. Society and the lack of dealing with childhood issues are the cause. My D15 wants to be a psychologist. She wants this to stop.


Finally got my taxes cleared up, the government froze my claims since STBXW put on her claim that she had the girls living with her full time so she can receive the child tax credits. She did receive a large amount as return. Sadly for her the government will go and retrieve it. Not my concern.

I was with a colleague this week for work .Brought him to 3 of the locations that I manage. So a lot of driving between cities and time to talk. He knows that I am going through a divorce and I usually don't share the details. Something made me open up and tell him my W went over the rainbow to la-la-land on me.

This is the second time I just opened up to a colleague. The first time to a trainer and it revealed the same thing happened to him, Raised 2 daughters, w disappeared.. today she is still of the charts.

This time another colleague had a tale to tell. I'll call him Steve to make it easy to follow. Steve said it was his dad that left him and his 2 sisters. He was 7 at the time. The first year Steve's Dad saw him 3 times. After that Steve didn't hear from his dad for 21 years. Steve's dad found another wife and had another son. The mother of that son was dying of cancer and told this WAW father to contact with his other children and ask them for forgiveness. He did. Was he forgiven? no.

The father said to Steve. "I know I left, you turned out fine so let's forget about the past." Steve was telling me this and you could see the pain in his eyes. A pain that he has been carrying all his life. Steve is now 55. Steve said that his father never paid one dime to help his mother yet this other son he had was treated to the best college and loved by the man he knew as his father. To me that is unforgivable but still I hope Steve finds peace one day because holding onto that pain is not good.

I hope we all let go of the pain caused by these MLC'r and have the best lives we can have because we deserve to be happy. I will be happy.

Irish

[inpain]

Oh Irish, what an awful tale your colleague had to tell! That is so incredibly sad and the kind of story I think we are all fearing will be the reality for our own kids. I feel like I repeat myself a lot, but I just cannot understand how any parent can choose to not live with their kids, and to have more kids who get the five start treatment while they're ignoring their first kids just adds insult to injury. It makes me so upset! To be 55 and have carried that pain around for his whole life is just heartbreaking. All these WASs who say, "Kids are resilient, they'll be fine," need to sit in a room with people like Steve and be told that that is a complete pack of lies that seems to have become accepted because it makes the adults in the equation feel better about divorcing.

I'm glad your taxes are finally sorted out, you must be so relieved!

[123Gwen]

Glad you were able to sort out the taxes. I too was sad to hear about your colleague but hopefully your support of your daughters will help them understand that their mother's choices have defined their relationship with her but it should not define them as young women. You have modeled for them what good parenting looks like. Is it perfect? No but it is honest and consistent and empathetic. You are showing them how much you value them and that is a huge gift. I think it will truly empower them as young women.

[Irish M]

To be 55 and have carried that pain around for his whole life is just heartbreaking. All these WASs who say, "Kids are resilient, they'll be fine," need to sit in a room with people like Steve and be told that that is a complete pack of lies that seems to have become accepted because it makes the adults in the equation feel better about divorcing.

Hi Inpain. yes it hurts me too. What I've learned from Steve's story is to be a better parent and help my girls let the pain go. I know not an easy task at hand but I believe with proper guidance my girls won't have that pain in their 50's. WAS- MLC have no clue what they are doing to their kids in abandoning them. The life challenges they give their kids in dealing with their crazy choices is not an easy one to deal with. I just hope i can guide mine to a better understanding of their mothers choice without trashing their mother. loll, not easy. The real challenge is to find the right words and educate them , that is all I can do.

[Irish M]

. I think it will truly empower them as young women.

Hi Gwen.
This is something I've shared with them since they were toddlers. They are strong girls and will be stronger women. To not let people take advantage of them. Free will, and if they feel uncomfortable about something speak up. To not be bullied or manipulated in any way. I think somehow I new that they will need certain tools to handle themselves. Had no clue it would be this. I wish it was a boyfriend problem and not their mom.

[Irish M]

a little down-slide for me personally. The girls are great so that is comforting. I just had my birthday and this time last year I had to go get RE-hydrated due to a intestinal parasite I had brought home from a mexico trip. Reminder to myself... don't accidentally swallow the water in the Cenotes.

This time last year I was in the hospital for 2 days.

My W came to my bedside both days. Holding my hands, telling me how she loved me. Reminded me of the famous "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in SICKNESS and in and in health".

A week later BD1.

My year BD is arriving. That took me for a surprise. I never thought I'd be here as long as I have. I've read a lot of situations on this forum, googled every symptom of bipolar to MLC to wayward. Sadly never bought the books. Mine was a runner and was no contact so I figured It wouldn't help. Maybe I was wrong who knows. I think the MLC'r has to run its course. Until they see clearly they don't look at us in the way we want them to. They only see themselves.

Most of us here could probably write a book on our stories. Sad books and their are some happy ones. Some horrific ones as well. I wish they all end in " it was all a dream".

For you newbies here. It is a long ride and not for everyone. You know your spouse more than anyone. Only you will know if you should wait. And if you do wait... will you be able to forgive. It all depends on your understanding of this illness.

As for me. I have started to date. A new chapter for me. Nothing that I will put in my girls faces. I have evenings I could go out but my Daughters come first. If my STBXW does wake up. Who knows where I will be. All I know is I want someone who wants to be with me. Are they going to move in after a week or am I going to neglect my kids for my own happiness.. nope, I'm proud to day I'm not MLC and my kids come first :-)

[bttrfly]

Irish this is so similar to my STBXH's story: Mom took boys and walked out on Marriage ... Dad took up with /was seduced by/ who knows real story, school friend's mom whose h had just left her a second time with 4 kids. She got pregnant. They got married and had two kids plus her 4 ... H and BIL were alternately ignored or dragged through the court system for custody. FIL actually convinced BIL to quit school at 16 so he wouldn't have to pay anymore child support. This is a man who graduated from the top school in the country. Made great money. Chose a different family.
H trying to recreate all this.
Treats me like I'm his father.

It's a losing battle for me. He has to work this out. I cannot do anything but keep him in my prayers and move on. Oh, and refuse to participate in re-creating the decades long legal feud between his parents.

What an effing mess. So much pain and suffering. It will end here. xoxoxo