WW, My Addiction, My D, my new life...

[vise82]

Hey Trumpet,

with so many newbies on here all the time its good to read from someone that has been here about as long as me. Keep posting as it inspires me to post as well and to stick around.

[Mowgli]

Way to go man! You're doing it the right way!

I agree with the newbie thing, but remember, we were all newbies at one point, too! I remember Azzork hitting both of us with more than a few 2x4s LOL!

Keep it up, bud!

I'm doing well. Some days are tough and some are just wonderful, but the good days outweigh the rough ones. As long as I stick to my boundaries, things seem to work out.

[kyrie]

It's so great to hear from you Trumpet. You are such an inspiration to me and others, especially in overcoming the destructive force of porn in your life.
It is still SUCH a battle in my home. Maybe I should say war, because the battles are always losing/lost. But the war continues. I wish my H would be as mature in this as you are.
Thank you for sharing. Please, continue to encourage others and help us know how to move forward.

[trumpet]

Update time.

Marital Separation Agreement is signed. Signed the Quit Claim Deed on the house. Trying to get our Wed. court date, which was an interim/temporary order hearing (remember, once I found out she was still heavy in the EA, I confronted, and then started the D up again, as she had no intention of stopping) to our final date. Haven't heard yet, but it's a good possibility that tomorrow by 10AM CDT I'll be divorced.

Closing on the new condo a couple blocks up the street on June 15th. WW closes on the refi on Friday. I wrote it into the MSA to have the ability to stay at the house until I can move into the condo.

Working my contacts to get some used furniture for the kiddos and me. Ordered dishes and silverware on Sunday.

I cry every few days listening to Christian music, and when I'm deep in the Bible. The pain comes from the hurt I'm inflicting my kids to, and what they will see in the future - the failure of my WW and me to make things work. My pornography addiction had a contributing factor to my WW. My distance at times, and germanic work ethic, lots of hours at work, did some of the damage as well. I am still willing to work on the marriage, but WW is so far deep it might be 6 mo-2 years before she realizes what she's done, and I might be finding the next Mrs. Trumpet - you just don't know. I'm pretty broken right now in my heart, and I have walls up. I'm interested in dating, but it doesn't seem smart to give false hope to a middle-aged woman that a quick relationship after a D will last - the odds are pretty bad. Maybe a few casual meet-ups with people? I don't know. What I do know? I'm MUCH more confident about myself than when I met WW back in college. I have 3 beautiful kids that need me, and a job that I've been tasked with - be the best dad I can be, always, and not give up on my kids. They know I tried, and still want the M to work. I didn't blame WW for D, but they know I wanted to stay together. They are happy about the new place - the D7 is really excited.

There are times I'm still missing WW. There are times I'm really angry at her. There are times I struggle with the guilt from the porn use. 207 days clean for me - my brain, and how my thoughts flow from it, has changed so immeasurably, that it feels like I'm a teenager again, with pure thoughts, gratefulness for beautiful flowers, sunsets, and smiles on people. I can look straight into someone's eyes, and give them full attention and a smile back.

I have been set free. In my marriage, in my addiction, in my shame (will always have guilt, but can manage that). My managers job is going really well. Another record month is coming! God isn't done with me yet, though. Whether he puts my course back with my WW in the future, I do not know. I have my own sails to tend to.

For those catching up with me - there will be brighter days. There will be bad days, too. Focus on what you can control, realize feelings and acting on those feelings are two COMPLETELY different things, and find a way to be grateful for what you have. Start balancing the plates you spin in your life. Many of us make one plate spin really fast, and the others drop. Continual tending, spinning those plates, makes you whole.

My challenge will be to make it through the next few weeks, if the D becomes final tomorrow. I did reach out one last time the OM's wife - they are in a protracted divorce, and he will not respond to her legal efforts to move the D along. A year and a half, and their D is stalled out. Money pouring out of both coffers, and her husband, the OM, now planning to make a life with my STBXW. My WW is planning a weekend in Chicago with her OM, most likely consumating their relationship. She still won't tell the kids what is really happening - just that she's going 'away'. When you can't tell the kids where you are, where you're going, that has to be a huge red flag for them. My WW will have some soul crushing realizations once the D is final, and I'm out.

I'm a little sad for her, but realize experience is the best way to learn. The school of hard knocks is in session for her. I paid a dear price for my sins, and will in the future. I had a choice, and made a course correction to a brighter future.

I'll catch up with you in a day or two, and let ya'll know if there were any fireworks (not likely).

Thanks for reading - and keep posting. God Bless you all!

[J5K]

trumpet,

I am so sorry. You seem to have things under control as best as you can. I am praying for you, your kids, and your WW. I plan to continue to DB and be hopeful for the same amount of time. It seems so far away.

[Mowgli]

Keep us posted, Trump!

You have 3 beautiful little people looking at you for guidance through these murky waters. Keep doing what you're doing! Keep being the best Trumpet you can be!

[trumpet]

I'm divorced.

Took all of 10-15 minutes in the courtroom.

The commissioner applauded us for working so quickly on all the issues, putting the kids first, and splitting things so equally. He then told us thank you - from our kids - that we have put them first. Only thing that threw me a little.

Ok, so I did have to do SOMETHING to make a statement - I agreed to the D, and said as much in my testimony... however, after the commissioner announced us divorced, and shut off the recorder, I pulled my ring off - it was on the last 6 months during this ordeal - and I dropped it about 2 inches off the table.

Dropped the mic.

It jangled on the table for a good 2 seconds. Silence in the courtroom. Oh, my exwife got the hint. Even my attorney smirked at me when I did it. We had a good laugh after we got out of the courthouse. My attorney has been through the ringer in her own life, and sees my now ex-WW as having to pay a price down the line for what she's doing today. She's happy to see me in good spirits.

I WAS in good spirits most of the day. A few more ups and downs as the day went on. I now know that the roller coaster of emotions will continue - although I do feel a weight off my shoulders.

Anyone have any advice after the D goes final on what to do? I'm still at home for another 3 weeks until I get into my condo. Just going to spend a lot of time with the kids this weekend - Brat Fest in town, catch some music, maybe go biking as a family (without ex of course - she's in Chicago with her now announced boyfriend).

I feel sad for my ex. Really sad for the kids. I'll be fine.

Time to be the dad women drool over and men grow jealous of.

[SH_]

Time to be the dad women drool over and men grow jealous of.

Nice!!

You sound to be in a good place despite the rough road up till now.

[J5K]

trumpet,

I am glad you are in good spirits. What does your parenting plan look like if you don't mind me asking? I am assuming your WW will now live in a different city than you?

[trumpet]

Jimkao,

Same city. We will be 2 blocks apart. I did this on purpose for the kids.
Not the ideal condo, but it will work.
Parenting plan is me Monday Tuesday her Wednesday Thursday. We alternate Friday Saturday Sunday. Exchanges at 8pm. I'll get the kids at 8pm Sunday night, so they wake up and go to sleep in the same bed.

Hope this helps.