The best way to catch up on my switch would be read the first post in each of my threads. I try to recap a little each time.
Right now I am limbo as it relates to still no D filed even though she said it was weeks ago. Her L said my L should be receiving it last week. My L has not advised me that he did. The finance agreement that was drawn up over a month ago and had some revisions still has not been agreed to or signed by WAW, even though she tells me she needs the money ASAP.
She blew up last Tuesday on me when I asked the status of the agreement. Called me a liar, among other things and made a scene in the parking lot at the school where she works and I was picking up D5 from. I have been feeling strangely detached from her after the initial shock of the incident. Now I feel mostly annoyed at her for holding things up, for other small things like her taking over a FaceTime call I was having with D5, Her never answering when I call d5, and calling back at her convenience, when agreeing to have d5 spend Mother's Day with her on my weekend with d5, she made a big deal about having her stay all night even though that was not the arrangement , her inability to have an adult conversation with her d17, and, well the list could go on, but I don't really want to waste energy or time being annoyed by her anymore. It just all seems a waste of energy.
I am still struggling with sleep, and my body is out of sorts I am sure due to the mental stress, but my goal is to get my diet and execise back on track and hopefully that will bring the sleep and physical discomfort back in line. I have been feeling more upbeat, but the limbo of the finances and awaiting the D to be served is a bit of a challenge.
So I focus on PMA, my baby girls, and setting a plan in motion for a brighter future. I will survive the roller coaster, I will be fine, I will be better for this,and I will be the best father 2 little girls can have. It will just look different than I had ever imagined.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I failed on my meditation challenge again. Too busy putting a puzzle together.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
So this week was a bit up and down. Tuesday was the epic blow up of WAW at her place of work, also d5 school. I was shaken, but not stirred as I then had a good rest of the week all things considered. Mentally and emotionally that is.
Thursday evening I started to feel sick. Physically. Left work early on Friday, but as of now I am feeling better and think I will be good to go in the morning.
I had d5 Friday and Saturday. D17 was babysitting until late Friday, and had several different events on Saturday. A job search event and the internship with the John McCain campaign. She then spent the evening and overnight with her mother. D5 was so much fun and hung out with me in spite of me feeling ill. She took care of me and was ever so cute. She made me watch Shrek the musical. Over 2 hours long, but she watched every minute of it and so I had to as well. This after she watched all week at school. When she told me it was her favorite, she was not kidding.
D5 was picked up Sunday morning to spend Mother's Day with her mom. I rested as still not feeling well.
D17 asked me to pick her up at 1pm. When I got her, she seemed sad. She said that she enjoys spending time with her mom, but it is just not right. She said it is like going to grandmas house for a vacation as all they do is have fun. She is torn, because it feels good, but it does not feel right. She shared that d5 behaves completely different at mothers house compared to mine. She says she is very disobedient and challenges her mother on everything. She acts out and cries frequently.
It hurts to hear these things as the WAW is living a bizarre fantasy. D17 shared that she is struggling financially but opening credit cards and purchasing things because her family is encouraging her to do so. D17 says she just wants to help her, but does not know how.
I listen, try to validate, and encourage her to focus on herself and the things she can do to accomplish her goals. Her mother will have to do what she thinks is best for her.
Unfortunately the conversation incites some anger in me, that I try to keep to myself, but d17 catches on after awhile and asks me about it. I try to change the subject, but over the next few hours I make comments about the frustration I have, and then catch myself. Here I thought I was detaching and then some hot anger starts to boil.
D17 and I get some errands done, have dinner clean up and plan to sit and relax for the evening. I call my mom to wish her happy Mother's Day,
Then WAW calls. I answer thinking it is going to be call from d5, but it is not. WAW wants to switch up weekends because family is coming into town for d17 graduation. I have plans next weekend, and so can not agree to her proposal. I tell her I will review calendar and follow up. She also wants to schedule her vacation time over the July 4th holiday to take d5 for 2 weeks. I tell her I will evaluate. WAW has so many requests for adjustments and it is always to appease her family. My opinion.
The I ask if her L had been in contact. She says no. She is not speaking with her L because she did not pay him enough to negotiate as she states. I am surprised as I saw email from him to my L indicating he would contact her for her input. Things do not add up.
She then says to bring the finance paperwork to her so she can see the changes. I ask her what changes? She says the ones I was going to talk to L about after our "conversation" Tuesday. Is this for real I am thinking. The conversation where she berated me and so forth? I reply that I did discuss them, and there were not any changes. She then called my integrity, honor and value as a person and man into question again. Almost the exact same words and phrases as last Tuesday. I mean does she have a speeches rehearsed here? Am I crazy or what is the reality picture being painted by her. She says that you can never make a decision. You only do what you are told. I reply that I will not use emotions in this process. She said that you should. I reply that I won't as I discussed with her previously. These decisions should be made for long term at this point. She said you are just a liar and do whatever to look out for yourself. I replied that she really should speak with her lawyer so she can understand the laws around her decision for D.
So I fail at DBing conversation here as I reply that I don't know what you want me to say. She says many things and then says again I just want this to be over and I will be glad when it is. I reply before I even think about it, yes, then you can finally have what you have wanted. She screams , you forced this, you only take care of yourself and you forced this. And then hangs up.
Well, I start shaking again. But I think it was anger this time. How much longer do I need to go through this. Why is it going downhill so fast. I am a failed student of the Db process it feels to meeting its name. But I know that I will still use Dbing to make me whole as I was to late in finding this valuable information.
I did not ask for a D. So how could I force this? I partnered with a L to understand the D process when she asked for it. So how does that make me a liar or dishonest? I love my W. So how am I just looking out for myself by getting out of the way, and letting the D happen? I never wanted or would try to hurt my W. So why does she put all the blame on me?
Dam it!! How bad was my MR! That I was oblivious to so much. Right now I could not go back to the way it was, if this was all under the surface all of this time.
My focus is on my daughters, myself and a bright future. This really is a bad nightmare, that must end soon. There must be something better out there that will create joy for myself and my family.
And now I will end this ramble......
Sleep well everyone. It is well deserved by many and way overdue for many more.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
The day was good all things considered. I did some meditation. Still beginner 1 minute stuff, so you better get on it now. We gotta get your mind off of things. You can do it. I believe in you.
Sleep well tonight.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Sadhub, I can't really tell you how to make things better between you and your WW. But you are not detaching at all. Everything that you're doing is reacting, you're on her roller coaster. If she's nice to you, then you're nice back. If she pushes your buttons, you push hers back.
Just say nothing and do nothing. The universe will take care of the rest. You need to forgive yourself for what you did wrong in your MR, and like alot of people on this board, you're still holding onto the past - the happiness, the sadness, the comfort. Let that all go, let the pain go and you will find the peace that you're looking for.
Focusing on your children is not going to "save" you if you're doing it to forget about your WW, but focusing on them to be the best person and to be their lighthouse will.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
This is difficult and there is no way around that. To echo other comments - detach. It has been helpful for me to think of detaching like this - you still care, you want her to be okay, you don't like seeing her like this, BUT if she is mad, if she says mean things, you are not affected much by it because you know who you are regardless of what she says or thinks.
We can all tell from your posts that you are a good dad, you are sensitive and caring, you don't want to hurt others, in fact you want to help others. You aren't forcing this. So, if W says something different than that you can let it roll off you becuase you know the real you. Also, make sure you always behave like the real you.
I've been reading your threads recently and I gotta say, you're being really hard on yourself. I agree with the above posters, your WAW is projecting big time. Remember, believe NOTHING they say and only 50% of what they do. She says she has L issues (don't believe it) she says you forced this (don't believe it) she says you're a bad person with no integrity (don't believe it.) Right now she is in a delusional state where she has re-written the history of your marriage and you are a villain in this fiction. You can't use logic to try and convince a delusional person that they are delusional.
I will tell you a story of my daughter, she is also 5. Last year I got pregnant with my third child. I already had a pigeon pair so whatever gender this child would be was a "bonus." However my daughter wanted a sister and told me that the baby was a girl. After the 20 weeks ultrasound I had to inform her she was having another brother. This was the convo that followed:
SadSara: Guess what DD5? You're going to have another baby brother, yay!
DD5: No, It's a baby girl, I sad I want a sister, I have a brother already.
SadSara: Sometimes things happen differently than we thought they were going to happen. But it's ok, this is great, he will love you so much!
DD5: No! I want a sister. Fine, I now have a baby in my belly. Wait, I have TWO baby girls in my belly! I am going to have TWO baby sisters!! (add hysterically sobbing child running off to her room to be alone)
My point is this, just saying something doesn't make it so. Your wife is acting like my 5 year old daughter when she was given information she didn't want. I could not make it different so I let her go through processing the info and didn't react emotionally to her irrational reaction. Now she loves her brother and doesn't talk of phantom twin pregnancies. lol It was a form of lovingly detaching before I knew what it was called.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I know that you are correct. I have not detached. I am calm and feeling better when not in her presence and when I don't have to think about interacting with her. I am conflicted in my mind and heart as part of me wants the D to hurry up and get done so that there is no more discussions and debates over things with her, and then the other part feels sorrow and failure for the loss of my W and family unit.
This has all happened in such a short time my mind is in a battle with trying to comprehend it all versus just accepting it and moving forward.
Yesterday feeling anger was not what I wanted, and you are very right that I am still on her roller coaster and need to get off. I look back and see several triggers that took place after the conversation with D17. I need to be more aware because they were triggers that made me miss the past happiness, comfort, and sadness. This put me in a mood that I must keep in check.
I am reviewing information about detachment and validation. These are 2 key things for me as instinct and bad habit keep catching me off guard.
Thank you DDJ for the candid feedback as I know it to be correct. I must separate my challenges with WAW and my children. They are the focus because I love them and they need a strong father.
Thank you DDJ for the candid feedback as I know it to be correct.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
