feels like i am on a rollercoaster

[champJ]

My second week of trying gal, I went out on Friday night,now my wife is out tonight;spent the night with my kids watching cartoons. Any advice on how to detach when you are living in the same house?

[champJ]

My second week of trying gal, I went out on Friday night,now my wife is out tonight;spent the night with my kids watching cartoons. Any advice on how to detach when you are living in the same house?

Also feeling less fearful

"You were born with only two fears, the fear of falling and the fear of noise. All your other fears were acquired. Get rid of them

[bigybiz]

champJ:

I wanted to let you know that I have been keeping my word and praying for you. As you know there are no guarantees. I can tell you recently 3 "small" prayers were answered for me. I'm sure this is because of the army of people I have praying for my W and I.

I've scanned your posts and I truly identify with you. My W and I have been in house Sep since early Jan. I think this detachment idea is easier said then done. I can honestly say it has not really worked for me. But, I have also say I've not followed the rules to the letter.

I think the 1st step is to not let her reactions/words/etc bug you. Perhaps you can pray and ask God to help you find some peace. Also, follow the other steps too.

The one piece of advise I can give you that I know works is to do something different - anything. It has made a real difference for me. I was a real mess when I joined the boards - but now I'm confident and so much stronger.

Change anything - it can be hard but you never know where there may be a glimpse of happiness, change, insight, etc.

So if you usually watch cartoons at night with the gang - play a board game. If you order pizza on Fridays - make hot dogs.

If you usually wear jeans, put on dress pants. If you shop at Walmart - go to Target. If you eat cereal for breakfast - eat eggs. If you go to Starbucks at work - take a thermos of coffee.

Small little changes will:

Change your perspective
Open you up to new possibilities
Will make your W wonder what is going on and yes she won't say it but she will notice.

I personally started catching up on house projects. It made my W practically crazy. I could see her blood boil and yes she did react badly a little and push some of my buttons but it was worth it.

So sweep the stairs, declutter, volunteer at a local charity, invite a neighbor over for coffee, etc - get to the things you've always wanted to get to and you will be surprised what a difference it makes - once you get momentum.

End of sermon.

[champJ]

Thank you so much for this advice and prayer; I will take heed. The other night w said "what's got into you, you are in chipper",and said are you on drugs or a new girlfriend" jokingly. I said no I'm just being myself,and that was my small change for the day. I have made another small change this week and included exercise.

[champJ]

I had a great weekend, w noticed some changes and thanked me for a great weekend. I stayed positive, she even waited up for me to come home from work. I messed up this morning the "ask nothing rule". I was annoyed by s being on the phone today constantly
I asked her what she up too? She replied, why are you asking me that, that behaviour is controlling. And then continued on by saying , though she sees changes, this behaviour has been going on for years.
I noticed it, I see how as an adult this can be controlling---so I have to fight the urge to not ask.And I apologised, and mentally reminded myself (not be insecure).

Anyone still wear their ring, when your spouse doesn't,i have tried, but I keep putting it back on.

[champJ]

The changes she mentioned, she said --too little too late. I should have made changes years ago. Now this evening my positive attitude is a little broken.

I also wonder, when my wife says the person she was when I met her is faded. If this is the case the, who am I? I work so hard and am struggling to get up Mondays, least today me and son did some exercise as I tried not to think about my wife. My next step is acting as if, cause she seems more enlightened, some days she is so nice and when she wants affection I do not withold ;but I have not done the same.

[bigybiz]

ChampJ:

You are doing great it sounds. The minor setbacks really do feel like you are starting all over again. It is so hard to keep all the "rules" in your head and try and stay positive, detached, etc, etc, etc.

It seems that the issues of Control and Change (maturing, etc) are regular themes. It's so important that we not get sucked into the black hole. It's a no win. The regular advice here is not to have any relationship talk and not apologize. It's so hard.

Others here may have better advice. When being accused of being controlling or being told that she does not feel safe, I just say I'm going to make sure that changes in the future.

[champJ]

Today was a very dark day;I thought things were going sweet this weekend.Doing things together with the children, and discussing family vacation. Last night I asked her a question and she said I wish you would shut the **** up;and I did and walked away.I spoke to her this afternoon and said I do not appreciate that--- she apologised;but she said she does not love me, and has not loved me for a few years or in love with me. I tried to be strong ---even took my sn to play. I let her see my weakness and eyes watered---she said why am I so upset?

[champJ]

I am not being a better man that I should --all these changes,and 180s --and I she doesn't even care. And reminds that she wants this vacation;cause it would make the children happy. Should I keep wearing this ring? I don't know---, my pma is very low, I hate this not knowing this uncertainty,

[Jzmill]

ChampJ,
Sorry for your sitch and that you are down.

Detaching in same house?
This has been tough for me. I have been running/read/yard work to stay busy so not sitting around while H home. We are still in same bed and going through motions of watching some tv together. I will strike up general talk but taking step back for him to start more.

I will let H know what doing, no need to play games--he does the same.I pick and choose when to answer phone when H on way home. I go for a walk so not around to greet. It takes a lot for me to do this.

Wearing rings?..
My H took his ring off but will put on around his fam. It hurts but did not make me question keeping mine on. Don't let it pressure you to take yours off, but it is up to you what do. Wouldnt make a decision until thinking clearly.

Emotions..
Think dark days are expected. I got the "I don't love you" as well. Lately I have been in sad and angry mode. it is the worst. Do best not to react to W in any way. I have taken steps back bc of this. It seems you are really hard on yourself. Do best not to be consumed with what assume W is thinking/feeling and focus on what you are doing. I have felt defeated at times but remind myself what doing and the efforts are for a reason.

These guys know their stuff. Keep posting. We are here to support you.