I am eight years older than my wife. My wife and I have been physically apart for a couple of years. This is most of our marriage. We visit every few months and talk everyday on Skype. She is a volatile person and from time to time we fight about money (she makes more) and sometimes she acts like I am trying to take advantage of the fact that she has greater means. She has also claimed that I am not sexually aggressive enough and says she thinks I am not attracted to her. This is actually not true. We just have different sexual schedules and never seem to want to do it at the same time. She has threatened divorce numerous times and claims that I have disappointed her. She always comes around and apologizes though. I know she is very unhappy being alone and I chalk a lot of it up to that.
I finally got a job where she lives and I am moving there in a month or so. We will finally make the same amount of money, which I thought would solve a lot of those problems.
Shortly after I got the job, she was unfaithful. This was about 3 weeks ago. She called me crying in the middle of the night to tell me. Honestly, I was upset, but not freaking out. We even joked about it (we had discussed having an open marriage in the past). Later she told me she went out to dinner with the guy. This hurt and this scared me. She said she was having feelings for him. I told her I thought this was natural in a marriage, but that she simply couldn't act on them.
Later she admitted that she had been having a full-on affair with the guy--sexually and emotionally. I was devastated, but still willing to forgive. I told her she need to cut it off but she told me she couldn't. She said he made her feel more protected and that the sex was great. At the same time, she told me that there were things about him she could never get past and that he was in no way a better man than me.
Later, she told me she cut it off, but I suspect that she is not being truthful. She doesn't talk to me or call me during times when she used to and she is being very distant. The last time she told me she loved me was to tell me our marriage was dead via text message. Later, we continued to talk on Skype as if this had never been said.
I honestly think she has cold feet about finally living together for real, but I'm afraid an irreparable wound in our marriage will develop before we see each other again and try to resolve these issues. I'm also afraid that I will perform poorly at my dream job because I will be so consumed with the death of my marriage.
I've read some posts about 180s and so forth, but, since we are apart, my power to do these things is limited. I'm very conflicted, because she told me before that she felt unloved or asked me why I didn't love her anymore (she has abandonment issues), so not talking to her or telling her I love her seems like it would feed into this. (It's not true by the way. Everyone who has seen us together has said that I have been the loving one and she has been the distant one).
I don't know what to do. I just want to fix my marriage, but I'm afraid it's already over because of my wife's habit of making impulsive decisions.
Jimmy - You should post this in the Newcomers forum, that one has a lot more traffic and you'll get a better response.
My advice is hang in there, I've been going through a simmilar situation, found out about my wifes affair on 4/5/16 and it's still going. The thing I've learned is that I have to let go, which is not easy, and I've struggled with it.
There's some great advice here, and you'll see many stories that are simmilar to yours, so you should be able to pick up bits and pieces.
As far as the 180's - those are things you need to do for yourself to heal and to make yourself happy, if you do them to try and win her back without true belief or commitment to what you are doing, she will see through it and it will make things worse. I've slipped a couple times with my situation and it definitely sets things back a few steps, and then you feel like you have to start over.
I know all of us here know what you are going through. Take some comfort in knowing you are not alone and that you have support here.
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 Counselling - yet to be initiated WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016
_____________________ Me:44 W:44 Together 22 Married 21 S 19 D 17, 15, 15. 7 EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016 EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016 ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016 WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Hi Jimmy, I'm sorry to hear about what has happened. So, yours is a short marriage and you guys haven't lived in the same location as yet? Presumably you don't have kids together?
Firstly, I would question whether this is the time to uproot yourself given all recent circumstances and her cool demeanour just now. If you are committed to going to the area, would living apart be an option at this point?
Secondly, I think you should read about the LRT - last resort technique - as this may well be the way to go at this point.
I'm afraid that affairs like this can take some time to run their course and I think it may be best if she comes to feel the risk of losing of you as a result of her actions. LRT can be a useful technique in this area.
Have you read Divorce Remedy at all?
Keep posting and others chime in. Newcomers is the busiest part of the forum and you may want to start a thread there in order to benefit from more advice.
Good luck with things
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So sorry you are here. Keep posting. People will chime in. Once you get to 100 posts, you can post in the Newcomers sections; its much more active but you will get help here.
First of all, there is nothing you can directly do to fix your marriage. You have to turn your sights inward and focus on you right now. You MUST detach, 180 and GAL. Its imperative that you do this and that you are genuine about the things you do. NOTHING you do can be for her. It must all be for you. What can YOU do to make YOU a better person?
I will say this, if she is being distant right now, the PA/EA is still going on. Nothing you can do to stop that. She has to decided on her own that is what she wants to do. I know that hurts. I know the pain. Its horrible. But it is what is happening so you might as well accept that. You need to mentally dump her and begin living your life for yourself. Its counterintuitive but this is how you can get her back. By focusing on yourself and becoming the best Jimmy that there has ever been. You need to KILL it at your new job. By doing that, you take your mind off her and you will develop a confidence that she has never seen before. Become the man that only a fool would leave. I know you are separated but if you make genuine 180's and GAL, she WILL notice whenever you talk or you see her again. Get the book, read it and start working on Jimmy. Detach. Got directly to the LRT. Follow all of Sandi's rules. Read ALL of the following posts in these 6 threads. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I moved your thread to Newcomers. I expect that you will get more support and activity here.
You may be right about your wife having cold feet about you relocating to her area. Have you lived there before?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
A quick question: My wife is completely conflicted and simultaneously tells me I should be calling her if I want to work on the marriage, but also that she wants space and a divorce.
I don't know which is best to do. Moreover, when we talk on Skype, I can see that she is getting ready to go somewhere and she hags up when the doorbell rings. I know what's happening because I'm not an idiot, but I don't know if I should tell her that's why I don't want to call.
First, it is definitely worth it to go. It is a huge step in my career. My worry is that if I do go, I'll be so consumed with wanting my wife back that I'll do a bad job.
Second, I think that living together is necessary, otherwise I'll have no opportunity to see her and even try to fix things. Honestly, part of me thinks that this will all melt away once we are in each other's presence again. The problem with being so far apart is that I don't have very much access.
Also, a quick question: My wife is completely conflicted and simultaneously tells me I should be calling her if I want to work on the marriage, but also that she wants space and a divorce.
I don't know which is best to do. Moreover, when we talk on Skype, I can see that she is getting ready to go somewhere and she hags up when the doorbell rings. I know what's happening because I'm not an idiot, but I don't know if I should tell her that's why I don't want to call.
