i have a question about child care. we have 3 kids, ages soon to be 11, 9, 6. we have split custody, we each have them 2 nights a week and every other weekend.
for the past several weeks she has been asking me to watch the kids on her nights here and there, so that she can work. ( her hours change week to week).
if i say no, then the kids will be home alone at her place for up to 2 hours, and i miss out on spending time with them.
if i say yes, which i have been, then i get to see them. but im not sure that this is the right choice.
should i start telling her to find someone else? im starting to feel used as a baby sitter. but at the same time i love seeing them any chance i can get. and i dont want them to be home alone for extended periods of time due to their ages.
idk, its starting to pick up in frequency. a one time thing, has turned into a many time thing.
i dont want to turn it into a nickel dime thing, but why am i paying so much child support, when i have them more than half of the time????? its the little things that p1ss me off.
I understand what you are saying. I do agree that the kids should come first tho--if they enjoy their time with you and you with them--then take them. Thank her for giving you more time with them. They are precious and the only real victims in a D. It is her loss that she is not developing a strong R with them, if that is the case.
In the end, that matters more than dollars and cents. My oldest D lost her dad when she was little--he took off finally and hasn't seen her in many years. I was angry and worried for her. Now I pity him--she is an amazing kid and it is truly his loss!
If it is true that you are having them more than the custody agreement, then I would say to document it every time. Email paper-trail every change in the agreement. If several months go by, you might consider running this by your L or even her. If it is true that you are having them more over time, then the order for support can be reevaluated. You can always change these agreements, so do the leg work now.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
so, when she picked up the kids. i had words with her about the kids. i wasnt mean, but i explained myself fully and calmly and she agreed.
BUT ! then she says, this is the first time that i have spoken to her since we split. and she wants to have a conversation tonight about US. where im at, where she is at. what went wrong, what has changed, what would still need to change on both of our parts.
i said, not tonight, maybe tomorrow night or later in the week. she seems very sincere. but as she mentioned i still have my guard on high alert. my walls are very high right now.
timing is everything. i dont know if its time or not to have this conversation. we both got teary eyed while talking.
she said that there is nothing wrong with me. that she cant even bad mouth me anymore, cause she would feel bad about it. she said that she has had thoughts about how she was in love with me, when i was her everything. and that she doesnt feel like that right now. but weve been avoiding each other so much for the past 2 months, that she needs to know whats going on. that she doesnt want a divorce, that she doesnt want this marriage to fail. but that she doesnt even know where to start . and that it would be a miracle at this point to save it.
sooooo.....is this the point to start talking? let me say that this all just happened 5 min ago. and i havent had time to process it yet.
I am cautious to advise you because this sounds delicate! You are walking a very fine line between creating the boundaries and space for yourself right now and between also letting her know that you are open to hearing what she has to say.
I never hurts to take more time, so I think you did the right thing by giving yourself more space. If she wants to talk, she will wait. So give yourself the time you need to think about your approach.
Perhaps when you agree to talk to her you do so and just listen and here what she has to say? You don't have to answer questions right now; give yourself time to think and process. Maybe just validate, thank her for coming to you, and let her know she has given you a lot to think about. Remain patient and cordial. Then exit.
Hopefully a vet can chime in here! Remember she may be softening, or she may just be feeling down today. You can't know yet.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
we are meeting tomorrow night (tuesday). im am planning on validating and not solving all of the worlds problems in one sitting.
any prayers or advise would be greatly appreciated.
im hinging on , is it too soon? or is this a starting point?
there is no more OM. she has been making tons of positive changes. she still swings back and forth. but a lot of her swinging has to do with me having no response. this might might might be a good time for me to not lay it on the line. but to validate her, to let her know that the door isnt closed, but that she needs to do some more work, before it is truly open. im not going to suggest that we get back together. however, she has clearly stated that she doesnt want a D.
its very delicate. and i feel like im walking the tight rope. but from what my coach has told me, and what i have learned in this forum. it can be a great step. as long as i dont give too much info out. and do a lot of listening.
Here is my personal sit. I told myself after I got over all the shock and awe of her scorched earth and bs. It has come up a few times, from her in q delusional way. I made my decision of what I would need before even considering reconciliation with her. For me, it was honesty, phone records, IC for her and mc for us. I have told her those things. I would also need to see actions on her part, feel some remorse and genuine sorrow. Aside from that when she brings up the discussions, temp checking, or munipulating about getting together, I mostly validate, and listen, reword and repeat, give little input. I really don't care at this point, and she would have a long road back into my trust zone. I'm sticking to this, as the other way hasn't worked in the past and probably won't work again. Have you not been thinking of a plan all along of what you would need to see?
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
i have a list of things that i would need to see and feel before i would even consider reconciliation. and the list is very similar to yours. we havent discussed any of this yet.
i think she is looking to solve everything in one big swoop. and that just is not possible. however, i dont feel like this is a temp check or cake eating. this time feels different.
im not promising her anything. infact im still going to be wishy washy, mostly because i still am. im going to be the one doing the temp checking this time.
she has definitely shown me that she is coming out of her evil spell, but she is not out of it completely.
Thinking about what i would want, is someone that compliments me and my "new" belief system. We may be polar opposites in terms of personality, class and culture - but that is what made us great. I enjoyed the slumming and she enjoyed the high-life. It kept me grounded, but also made me think that I could do better. It helped her to achieve her dreams, but gave her a big head.
So i'd really need to see someone that I wont recognise on the inside, someone that has healed from her years of abuse and regrets. i don't see that day coming. Realistically, maybe a few years, if ever. If someone asked me who i'd choose, my WW or me - I will choose me everytime. I guess that answer will change the day that she does.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
