I hesitate to even post this. Why ruin the happily-ever-after ending? I hesitate because I don’t want to give discouragement when I’ve felt my posts and story have been able to give so much encouragement to those who were just as shocked and scared and lost as I was. But then, it’s not my story anymore.
If I were to look deep into myself and ask, “are you happy?” The answer is yes. I’m happier now than I feel I have been at any point on this forum. I’m not the lost person who started here, who didn’t know who I was, full of resentment and bitterness. I’m not the person going through piecing and having panic attacks at the thought of running into an OW. I’m not the person that became depressed as my husband sunk back into his depression. I’m the person who faced the past and put it behind me and is ready to face whatever comes my way. Yes, I’m that person.
The short of it? He wasn’t done. He woke up for a year or so and then he sunk back down. He never finished resolving what put him there in the first place. 9 months ago he sent me an email telling me he was done, he didn’t want to work on the marriage, he wanted out, he was never coming home. It was full of other accusations and other things where I had done him wrong. I accepted what was mine, and gave him back the rest. It wasn’t a huge shock. He hadn’t been himself again. He’s not happy. His #1 priority is back on his job and himself and in complete survival mode of depression. He won’t go back to counseling. He says it doesn’t help. He doesn’t want to deal with any of it or talk about any of it. And for me, well I was done too. I’m not going through this again. I don’t want to divorce bust my marriage. I have no desire to make my life a cycle of good-bad-busting-good. He gets better, comes back and works on it, gets depressed, then gone again. No thanks. I would love to be out.
It would have been better to not see how good it could be, to be with someone who put me first, who put working on the relationship first. To see all he was capable of. Where would I be now if I had walked away then? Probably regretting it. Probably not as strong and as confident. Yeah, probably.
But the problem was, the kids, they absolutely adore him. But for me, what’s the benefit? I don’t want to remarry. No thanks. And then there is the whole thing of this isn’t H. This isn’t the real him. Depression is real. Would I divorce someone with cancer? Never. And then there is that flaw of mine, that I’m happy to have: I’m too much of a fighter. I don’t know how to quit. I don’t give up on people.
Financially things are awesome, and H doesn’t care about money and only wants to take care of me and the kids. With him or without him, life doesn’t really change that much. It seemed selfish to give in and say, “yes, leave,” each time he asked if I wanted him to.
But after 9 months of walking on egg shells, 9 months of going out on a date 1-2 times a week, but never saying “I love you,” 9 months of never saying Happy Birthday or Happy Valentines, he left anyway. The kids were upstairs, I was down, and he took an air mattress and left without saying goodbye to anyone. He is renting a room, not wanting to spend the money on an apartment. Because even though he refuses to look at a single statement or see where we are at financially, he says we’re not in a place for him to have an apartment. That’s not it. I just think that keeps us both stuck again. He can’t take the kids for long periods of time and it leaves us in some kind of limbo state.
And so for a little over a week now, that’s been that. I haven’t called him. I wrote him an email to setup times for visitation. That’s been the limit of my action plan. I bought a new bed set for the kids so he could take his bed when he wanted to, but he hasn’t.
I took the kids and went out of town this last weekend and had a great time with them. I’ve been doing my best to keep the environment stable. The oldest two are noticeably struggling. H calls and tells them goodnight every night, and they always ask him when he will be coming home. I am the one who told them he left and tried to explain why. They called him and asked why and asked why he couldn’t work on getting better here. It was hard to see all of that. They pray every night that he will get better and come home. I’ll be taking them to counseling soon.
I’ve seen him 3 times since he left, and each time he asked for a hug. It’s hard for me to hold back and not try to help him. By nature I’m a very giving and thoughtful person and go out of my way for people. But for H, I haven’t done anything. He has a bed he can get anytime he wants, but he is sleeping on an air mattress. He has only taken some clothes and toiletries. He doesn’t take his alarm clock because he doesn’t have a side table and hasn’t bought one. And he isn’t eating. Maybe he’ll eat once a day, have some cereal or something at work, but he’s not spending any money on food or anything actually. And every time he talks to me he tells me he isn’t eating.
Last night after talking to the kids he wanted to know if he could stop and get me something. That he hasn’t been eating but had an appetite and wanted to get something. I said I couldn’t think of anything but thanks for asking. He said he needed to come and get some pills and I said he could do that. He showed up, clean shaven. He hadn't shaved for over 9 months. That was quite a shocker. He looks 15 years younger.
I’m not worried there is an OW this time around. Things are always possible, but I also trust that I would know.
So anyway, that is that. I’m working full time and have my hands full with trying to be a great mom. I’m figuring out the landscaping and getting that started soon. I’m excited to have a nice place for the kids to play this summer. I’ve got a nanny a few times a week and so I’m going out on those nights and plan to start using those nights to do something fun with one of my boys at a time. I’ve definitely got too much on my plate with work and side projects, but it’s hard to know what to drop. I don’t feel like I can or I should drop anything. I’ve had my own little fun side project really take off and it’s nearly getting to the point of quitting my full time job to focus on that fully, but just not a smart move to lose something so stable. I’ve also been doing some DIY and building some built-in bookcases for the upstairs. I’m pretty excited to see how those turn out. Things are pretty great. I just need to get more sleep and exercise more and just continue to focus more on taking care of me and the kids.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Raine, I am glad you returned to post an update, but I'm very sorry that your h's crisis was not finished. I do hope that he will eventually get the help he needs and can finally understand the why's, what ifs and buts of what is missing in his life.
You and your children will be okay, but it's going to take some time since he came home for a while and then left again. It's always harder the second time around when they leave. I know that you are a strong and independent woman and will continue to move forward and be there for your children. They are so lucky that you are grounded and very wise too.
Please take care of yourself and I sincerely hope that you that you know that no matter what happens you are a success story. We only have the gift of the present and we need to live it to the fullest and the future...well...it's not ours to see right now, but I can say this, your Book of Life has a new chapter with a blank page waiting for you to write out what will transpire in your life in the days ahead.
Raine, I am truly sorry for all of the pain and heartache that you have had to endure. It's never easy, especially when they return and they are only half baked. I do hope that you and your family have a nice Easter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ah, Raine - I, like you, was a successful reconciliation story - until I wasn't. We actually had several of the best years of our marriage, and then he went back down the rabbit hole.
I don't regret it though. When he finally did leave, I had great peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to try to save my marriage. And having spent all those years working on things actually made it easier for me to move on after he finally filed.
And yes, I too felt responsible for my ex, who had had multiple concussions and who I felt had untreated depression. But honestly, it was out of my hands, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, and he was not so impaired that he couldn't have made a decision to get treatment. He just chose self medicate with other women instead.
While it does worry me a bit that he took nothing with him (do you suspect him of being suicidal?), at the same time, if he is being financially generous right now, I would suggest you jump on it and get divorce terms in writing ASAP. Sadly, they become MUCH less generous as time goes on, so you have a limited time to take advantage of his guilt and get a good financial deal for you and your kids before that happens.
Remember, too, that seeing a lawyer for a consult does not mean you have to file - but you should get all your financial ducks carefully in a row just in case.
If it helps any - I was very stressed when my ex finally moved out (hair fell out in fistfulls!). But about 3 mos later I looked around me and realized - "Hey! It sure feels good not to walk on eggshells anymore!" - and my life has gotten better and better since. Professional success, financial stability, a nice home, my adult kids have gotten closer, I've made fantastic new friends, have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen, and I started playing the drums when he left - now I have 3 gigs this month with my band!
I still worry about my ex sometimes, but he is remarried to a sweet young social worker who I hope will care for him in his old age. And I have that peaceful feeling that I did everything I could, he fired me from that job and it's not my responsibility anymore.
Sorry to hear about the news, but still glad you came back to post regardless. I felt the exact same way... Thinking ok I gave people some hope in this cruddy situation when W came back, but like you probably felt something seemed just off, the longer it went the more I felt that she wasn't done until it finally happened, for me seemed Mar-Jun15 were testing water phase, Jun-Aug working on things.. Sep-Dec cycling and checking out till finally Feb I discovered she ran back in the hole
As kml says, there was a huge relief just knowing I've done all I could. I did the work, I became better... I controlled the one thing I could... Me. Honestly I would have worked on the M till my hands bled, I would have done anything... And it would never have been enough she was never all in and I deserve a person all in after all I've done. I am at peace with my efforts, this is on them and I still pray for them, maybe one day they wake up, do the work and find some peace while sitting at ground zero of all the destruction caused by this, maybe they never wake, it's a tragedy regardless. I refuse to be defined by this, I just happened to be in the car crash is all.
Sorry again but you did it all so well and have many ... Myself included some serious tips on how to navigate these waters and land on shore a much improved person
Your posts have always encouraged me Raine, even this one. I thank you for that. You are truly a wonderful and strong woman.
The bottom line is we can’t ever rely on others for our happiness, right? Things may be tough for a bit here and there, but it is always in our power to make the best of it. Life is too short to do otherwise. I’m happy to hear that even through this, you are doing well. I have nothing but confidence that you will continue to do so.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Raine - I hardly ever come here any more, but I happened to visit today and saw your post. What can I say?
For the most part, the people who come here are strong resilient people who helped to keep a damaged afloat for a long time. It took me a long time to fully see this. I read, and believed a lot of stuff posted, about our contribution to the breakdown. If that means were we perfect, - of course not. But this wasn't something we could fix, because in most cases we weren't the broken one.
I absolutely agree we need to look deep within but we do that to get through it all.
If they had developed the coping skills to negotiate life on their own they wouldn't have ended up in crisis.
Having said that, the crisis was a long time a-coming, and it takes a long time to resolve (if it ever is).
I am deeply suspicious of anyone whose partner wants to come home after a year or two - it doesn't usually resolve that quickly. Many of us here have been burned by a false dawn. But we are right to try and save our marriages. And the skills we develop are awesome.
Do they ever work through it? Some do. I personally know one success story, but it took 7 years and a divorce. That woman was exceptional in every way, and I do not think I could begin to do what she did.
Some partially work through it and build another life. They 'sort of' get what happened, but cannot really face it.
I don't write this to discourage anyone - it is normal to try and work on a long and happy marriage, and it is always possible that they will eventually get the help they need. I have no regrets about the amount of time and emotional effort I put into trying to save my marriage. In that I failed, but I found myself, and a renewed capacity for love. I believe that my xh respects me now, and recognises that he has issues, but doesn't want to deal with them. That is his choice.
Raine, The responses you have received are all spot on. You did everything you could to save your marriage, but at the end of the day, he is still broken and it may take years for him to fix himself or he could be one of those who will stay stuck and just float along on the boat of life.
Bea's posting is very much spot on. When it's all said and done, we do find ourselves and learn so much about ourselves and then we discover that renewed capacity for love and even more compassion for our fellow person. Raine, you are a success story. Please do not ever doubt that.
Bea, A quick shout out to you! Hope you are doing well and you are missed on the forum, but I do understand the need to move onward and upward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - I really value this forum - it has been such a help to so many.
I am in the strange situation of having had a very mean and vengeful MLCer who now wants to be friends, and meet up from time to time. But it doesn't work for me. I explained why and he (finally)understands. He acknowledges the hurt he has caused, but he still hasn't done the work - hard to explain, but he isn't the person I used to know. His new life clearly works for him, on some level.
In some ways I wish I could take up his offer of friendship, but we would have to rebuild from scratch. However he feels we could just pick up where we left off . . . . except that he is re-married, lives in another country. To be honest, it felt as if he was turning me into the OW, in an emotional sense, and that really didn't feel right. Not fair to his wife, who isn't the woman he left me for. And not a role I have ever been interested in playing.
It seems better to stay with the clean break - our children are grown, and they aren't comfortable with their father either. These MLCers are very damaged people and it isn't their fault, except we do have choices and help is out there.
Thank you so much for your comments and support job, kml, CaliGuy, ForeverYoung, and Beatrice! It means a lot.
job: This time around is actually way easier than the first time. It is harder on the oldest two boys, because they are older now, and it doesn’t make sense to them, but I am a lot stronger now than I was then. I’m not crying or angry or having negative emotions in front of them or when I’m alone either. I feel at peace about it. I’m not pregnant with a 1, 5 and 7 year old. I’m in a much better place to handle everything myself. And honestly, I have been expecting it for the past year. This wasn’t a shock. I could see it coming and it’s a feeling of relief to not have to be living with someone with major depression. My focus is on taking care of the kids, myself and being healthy, especially getting enough sleep, which has not happened for a long time.
kml: It’s pretty sad for them to so easily lose sight of what they have. All the nights he would spend telling me he couldn’t live without me, that he would never lose me again, he was so lost without me. That he was so sorry for everything. The best parts were how much he just adored me and how much fun we had being together. I imagine it is so hard to remember those things when one is depressed. I am at peace knowing that I did everything I could and that I can look the kids in the eye and know I fought as hard as I possibly could for their dad. I would go through it all again, because that is worth it. But now it’s completely up to him if he is going to get him and work through his issues.
Yes, I do have concerns about him being suicidal. I don’t think he would. I think he is too scared to actually go through with it. I am pretty sure he would reach out to me first.
I’m really not worried about the money. Even at his worse, he was always making sure me and the kids were taken care of. He never has been one to care about the money. I fully realize that could change, but tbh, I make more than he does. I don’t need his money to provide a great life for me and the kids. Right now I just don’t want to take on one more thing. I feel good that I’ll know when the time is right.
I’m very happy for you and how things have turned out and that you have a guy who treats you as you should be treated
Cali: I’m so sorry to hear that your wife ran back in the hole too. I don’t think until we are closer to this side of things that we realize Divorce Busting never was for our marriage or for them, it was always for us. I really like who I am. I couldn’t say that before, but I know that I’m a better person and mom because of this.
Hey FY, thank you so much. I’m glad to see you’re still here and holding strong. I’ve always admired you and all the work you’ve done.
Bea: I think this time around it’s far easier to see that I didn’t cause this. I’m fully willing to accept I’m not perfect and have many flaws, but I know I didn’t break him. A guy who walks out the door forever without even saying goodbye after 16 years and 4 kids is broken in every sense of the word, no matter how much we think we should take responsibility for something. Stepping away and trying not to fix him is far more difficult for me. I can see now how there are so many things he was never taught growing up. No one taught him to ride a bike, tie his shoes, money management, yard work…actually work of any kind, car maintenance, house maintenance, time management, nothing. No one taught him how to be a man and be responsible. Anything he did, he did on his own, and he very much seems stuck in those years where he should have started to learn these things.
I hope he figures himself out. I hope he has a great relationship with his sons. I don’t hope that we’ll get back together. He needs ongoing weekly counseling and medication and I don’t know if he’ll ever do that for himself. I’m so far beyond him at this point, he would have to work extremely hard to catch up.
My husband also has a very skewed view of reality. Like he can come over, help me with my projects, be there for the kids, be best friends, just responsible for anything. Not working on a relationship. Even the thought of that makes me feel used.
--- Things are going good. Every time I see him, he asks for a hug, a won’t let go hug, and then squeeze my hand and lingers with tears in his eyes. He talks to me non-stop about everything. Never asks about details about me. He asks how I am, but that’s the limit of it. He brings his laundry to do here. I asked him if he has a washer and dryer at his apt and he said yes, but he doesn’t like it, but he’ll stop using mine so he will stops bugging me. He won’t shower at his apt because it’s gross. He showers at work. He talks about how gross his roommates are and how no one cleans up after themselves. He won’t eat there either and he always mentions how little he is eating or if he is eating at all.
He will be gone for over two weeks in April and once he gets back from that, if he hasn’t already, I’ll tell him he needs to get his own place so he can take the kids there during his time.
I’m heading out for an Easter egg hunt here in a moment and the kids are super excited about this. 3 years ago I asked H to come with me to this, and he did. I didn’t ask this time. He can do his own thing with the kids if he wants to. But I haven’t heard anything from him today, even though this should be his weekend. I haven’t asked him to do anything since he left, nor will I.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I hope you and the boys enjoyed the Easter egg hunt.
Raine, I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I do hope you enjoy Easter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
