More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[SH_]

Phoebe, it has been said by many already on your thread, and I know you know it, but be you.

You are not a misfit, well you are, but we all are.

My point is be you. The right persons will be drawn to you at the right times. It is a journey. Focus on the journey, not each interaction.

Also, don't worry what others may think when you are you. Part of DBing is being you and that pertains to this journey. Trust me, as I know we have forgotten this as we dedicated all of us to one person and trusted that they would accept us for who we are, flaws and all. They did not and now we are wounded.

To heal this wound is to find those that do accept us for who we are. Flaws and all. We just have to put them out there and the right folks will find us.

I promise this to you.
I have worked on this with D17 and this past week confirms what I am saying to you here. I will share more details on my thread as it relates to d17, but she has long felt to be the outcast. Right up to our family dinner before her graduation. Now 4 days later and several miracles, her outlook has completely changed.

Yours will as well if you keep on the journey and trust that you will connect with others.

Have a wonderful night and I look to catch up with you soon.

[Phoebe]

It's totally OK, Painter. I absolutely get it. Today is my day to support you. Hang in there, lovely lady. Your H is truly a fool.

How about we all hang on the Island, and be quirky and not give a damn together?

[Phoebe]

SadHub, thank you. You're right. I am wounded, and for the very reasons you mentioned. I joke about it, about hanging on the Island of Misfit Toys and such, to protect that wound, but it's real and you and I both know how much it hurts. I did trust him to love and accept me. And he did, until he didn't.

Well, damn it. Cue the tsunami.

Had to take a sobbing hyperventilation break there... There's no stopping it and no point in trying to do so anyway. Feeling it and letting it go is the only way. It's been over a week since the last one. Should have known it was coming the way I've felt the last couple days.

At first it happened every single day, and for a lot longer. Now it's more like once a week, so I guess it's getting easier.

[SH_]

May you sleep well dear Phoebe.

Start your morning off with a pencil smile, then a chocolate meditation, and finally a neature video. That will energize you and get your day off on the right foot.

[Phoebe]

You know what, SH? I just did the chocolate thing about an hour ago. I don't know if it quite reached the level of mindfulness, but it was pretty sweet (pun intended). Then, I just kept eating it because... well, because it's chocolate!!!

Comfort through chocolate therapy, and I have you to thank for it my friend. You're the only reason I had any in the house to help with my little crisis.

I'll try to follow Dr. SH's therapy plan for tomorrow.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, can I just say that your H's cheating is all about him. It in no way relates to your worth as a person. You are worthy of love.

Have you read any of Brene Brown's stuff or watched her TED talks? I found her incredibly helpful.

Take care, you're making good progress and are right where you need to be just now xx

[Phoebe]

4 am and all is (not) well. Nothing's wrong, really, either, beyond that I just can't sleep. I've been laying here for hours, and so far no nap has been forthcoming. Now it's really too late to take Benadryl unless I want to sleep until noon.

I don't know why I didn't take anything earlier. Yesterday was only the second night I've been able to sleep without help since mid-December. What on earth would make me optimistic that it would work tonight after my little tsunami splashdown this evening?

Sotto, I have not seen anything from BB, but I'm going to go looking tomorrow. Thank you for your kind words. They are most welcome today.

[SH_]

Oh yuck, I am so sorry that sleep continues to elude you.
A friend of mine shared things he went through for insomnia. Maybe look into things as it relates to insomnia for ways to help. He sleeps well now these days.

I know the benefit of medication to help, but it is typically short term as the body adjusts for it. My friend shared how things like ear plugs and habits prior to the sleep really helped. White noise was another thing that assisted him.

Anyway, I hope that you are able to solve this for yourself soon. It is needed for sure.

I hope you found some Z's this night. But if not, hopefully you are so tired for tonight that you sleep like a baby.


Mmmmm......chocolate meditation. It really is good for the mind and the tastebuds. Lol.
Have a wonderful day today.

[Scrant]

Sleep is always a challenge, isn't it? If you have started with the chocolate meditation, why not look for some of the guided mindfulness meditations online? Although they are not designed to put you to sleep doing one just before bed can help calm the mind. Hope things get better.

[Phoebe]

Hey Scrant! I've not had good luck with the guided meditation stuff I've found online so far. I've just found them to be super distracting, either because of the voice, background music, the subject the speaker talks about, or the background birdsong, of all things!!! I'll try again, though.

I don't know what my deal was last night. For starters, why didn't I just take the Benadryl early? I knew it was a difficult night. Beyond that, I really wasn't having the racing mind syndrome. I was just wide awake. I went to bed tired and yawning and then just got more awake as I went until I finally broke down and took some Xanax at 4:45. Tonight, I'm dosing early, adding in melatonin and going to try to reset my clock.

I want to stop taking meds to sleep altogether, so this is a backstop. Oh well.

Onward!!!

I'm feeling better today. I started working on my latest grief homework assignment. The next step is choosing a specific loss in my life and examining that relationship. It can be the most recent loss (my H), but doesn't need to be. Eventually I'll do it for every unresolved relationship from my past. I have to give it some thought.

I want to thank everyone for the kindness you've shown me. This Misfit Toy really appreciates every one of you.