More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[Phoebe]

The tree walk was really good, though it reminds me that I have a hard time fitting in with people on many of these group activities. I'm super interested, but I'm not a novice. I don't know how to find similar people.

I go to these things and I feel like as soon as I open my mouth that I stick out like a sore thumb. When the forester asks what the tree is and no one answers, I just do it to break the silence. Today I picked up a ring-neck snake to show him to the group. They are super cool, with orange bellies and necklaces on a black body, and I guess I just assume people will be interested. They are, but note to self: to blend in, do not pick up the snakes or point out that there is a scarlet tanangers somewhere overhead.

The presenter told me I should lead the next tree walk, which makes me want to keep my mouth shut. He was being nice, and he was curious where I learned my trees and critters, but it made me self-conscious. Same thing at the homesteading meeting I went to last week.

The woman that I'm still trying to decide if I can be friends with reacted in a typical way when I mentioned driving my tractor and Bobcat. She said, "You don't look or sound like someone who grew up on a farm. " OK. One, what does a farm kid look or sound like, anyway? And two, I didn't. I'm a forest kid, but I've been around heavy equipment my whole life.

How do I find others that think it's just normal to know the world around them and to do the stuff that I do? i don't have the energy to find a hobby friend, a building friend, a farming friend, a birding friend, a hiking friend, a whatever friend... There aren't enough days in the week for that.

If I struggle this much to find commonality for a simple friendship, how on earth will I ever find anyone to share my life with in the future?

I'll be hanging out on the Island of Misfit Toys, an interesting novelty, but ultimately without use.

Yes, still feeling out of sorts today.

[Phoebe]

Ralph88, thank you for sharing your thoughts on boundaries for friendship. I am definitely not good at that. I'd better figure it out PDQ, though.

Thanks for checking on on me, SH. I missed you!

[tjcran]

Phoebe,

I can relate a little bit. I'm a pretty good runner and I run with a few different groups. We run as groups and it isn't competitive. However, they know my race times and they are always giving me crap for being fast. (Like it is a bad thing.) Most of the group is always saying things like, "Don't let us hold you back. You know you can just take off if you want." It makes me feel singled out and as if they don't want me there. It is a barrier to connection since I don't feel comfortable or completely trust them. What I've learned is to NOT do that to others.

Be who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are exactly the way you should be based on the life you've had up to now. If others aren't comfortable with that, it is their problem, not yours. I'm guessing more than half the people who have read your posts think you are very likable.

[Phoebe]

Thank you, tjcran. Your more than half find me likable made me laugh! And the corollary is that a bunch of others... don't. That just tickled my funny bone.

I get what you're saying, though, and thank you for the 2x4. I'm just a typical person that's done a lot of atypical things in my life. I'm not going to blend in unless I stay silent, but then what would be the point of even going to these activities? I'll just keep trying and maybe I'll stumble across someone that thinks I'm normal.

and not... Abby Normal.

Thank you, tj. I really appreciate your words today.

[ciluzen]

Phoebe. As a fellow misfit toy, don't you dare blend in. Rock your uniqueness. Lead the tree walk next time! Knowledge is for sharing, I've found. Those people may just not have been exposed to what you have. Just share yourself. New friends don't have to be just like you. They just have to be open to you. You can share different knowledge and experiences that way. Be the one that teaches what you know. Then you will create friends with your knowledge. Can you teach a continuing ed class?

[LandC]

Phoebe,
that is funny, the list of all the 'friends' you would need!
I think it's like finding my H, never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I'd find someone from my part of the country - I'm from Idaho, he's from Montana, who has traveled, can get by speaking French (I speak French) gets my sense of humor, knows about film, photography and likes to jump in cold rivers and lakes, can build a fire, camp, knows the stars and planets, trees and birds and plants etc.
It can happen! maybe not all of them in one person, but enough so you don't need 7 friends!
I ride a dirt bike, and I don't look like someone who does!

[J5K]

Phoebe,

Your friends will be drawn to the unique person that you are! There is no need to impress just be yourself and people will gravitate to you!

We are all on the island of misfit toys via internet!
Couldn't ask for a more compassionate group of friends!

(((Phoebe)))

[Phoebe]

Thank you TJ, ciluzen, LandC, and Jim. You guys are wonderful. I know I'll have good company on the Island. You have all made me feel a bit better about my... um, uniqueness.

I've doubted myself so much since H walked that I've started to think that the things I have always liked most about myself are also the very same things that sent him packing. Thank you for reminding me that those things are integral to who I am, not something to hide. I'll try to remember that next time.

As an aside, I did send a quick note to one of the other women at the tree walk today who I was talking to that seemed to have some good tree knowledge. She knew the Hophornbeam, so that says something! Such a great name for a tree.

Yes, I'm a tree geek. I did learn two new trees today that don't grow in my neck of the woods, so I count the walk as a success, even if I didn't necessarily find my tribe.

[JksD]

I like the island of misfit toys. Can I join you? I don't know what I can add to the group, but I will try my darnest to validate each and everyone of you!

Reminds me of Toy Story.

Phoebe, you are great the way you are.

I get this feeling of quirkiness. I work in a rather cut-throat and competitive environment. My colleagues can never figure out if my heart on sleeve is for real or if I am the ultimate double-crosser. I was bothered by this for the longest time but now I have learnt not to give a damn.

I think people are uncomfortable with who we are because they are projecting their own insecurities on us. It really is about them.

[Painter]

I think it's hard to not feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with you when your spouse of decades dumps you and gets together with someone else. I feel like a complete failure these days. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks about me when the person I had hitched my wagon to rejects me totally.

Sorry, my grief and anger is seeping in everywhere today... Not much encouragement and GALing here right now.