Lost and scared

[BluWave]

Hi Jz,

It's been a busy week for me--working a lot and kids' games every evening--so I am sorry this is late! You asked me to answer your questions and so I will give it my best shot. Your sitch is a bit confusing to me, so I may answer your questions with more questions.

"Questions:
1) It's ok to spend some time together right?"

So here is my question to you; if your H has feelings for another woman, do you want to spend time with him? And if so, can you think about why you would? ... If you want to spend time with him because you are hanging on to what you used to have, then I do not think ultimately that will work in your favor.

It's hard to think clearly because right now you are scared and your confidence is shattered. I am willing to bet that your most confident self would not even want to spend time with someone that would lie and cheat on them. Can you try and access her?

I see that you are working on GAL--golf, softball, exercise, gardening--and that is great! Keep that up! ... I also want you to think about detachment; that is much more difficult and can take a long time. Baby steps. The first step is to respect yourself enough to say "I really don't WANT to be snugged up in bed next to a man that is thinking about OW."

"2) Why is he delaying telling me he wants to be done? Know he fears aftermath so that's prob why. Should this give me any hope? Fear that since H shared his feelings to friend and has support that the outcome he seeks won't change."

I don't think you are going to like this answer any more than my first answer. I have no clue as what this guy is doing and what this guy is thinking. I am one who thinks that mind reading never works. If you read in my thread when my H was in the fog, I tried to understand what he was doing/saying all the time. I was often wrong.

None of us have any idea what your H is doing and thinking. Let's look at two extremes: He could be riddled with self doubt, not sure what his feelings even are, and know in his heart that what he is doing is wrong, and he may not even want to let you go! OR, he may be knee deep in the fog, in love with OW, its a full blown PA, and it's been going on for a long time, and he has been planning his escape for months, maybe years, and it's just a matter of time... We have no idea.

When people are in any kind of A, they are not thinking or acting rationally. That is why the focus here is to work on detachment and believe none of what they say. Try your best not to mind read and hang on his words and actions--we have no idea what he is going to do and it can go either way. You have no control or influence over that either. ... But if you can learn to detach and get stronger without him, you will feel better, and you will ultimately be more attractive in his eyes.

It took me 10 months to really start moving forward without H. This is when he noticed, did his 180, and came back. It was also due to a mixture of things happening in his own sitch that had nothing to do with me.

"3) H gives me somewhat of heads up when going out to eat/running etc. and when coming home..guess something? I have been doing the same is that ok?"

I don't think this matters in terms of your outcome. No reason to ignore people and play games. I think it is common courtesy when you live with another person to let them know when you are coming and going.


"4) I have been picking and choosing responding to his msgs. I will respond w/ "ok" and "have fun." ?"

I think that is fine. No reason to play games, ignore him, etc. However if you treat him as though you are naturally starting to lose interest in him, that will most likely get his attention. Men like the chase. Let's not secure you as his plan B if OW doesn't work out. You deserve better than that. ... And my dear, I think it's okay to naturally lose interest! He is thinking about OW and plotting to leave you. ... Do you want to pine over him? Really?

"4) Will feelings for his crush fade?"

I have no idea. We cannot mind read. In fact he may have no idea. Often it is said here that things can get worse before better. Perhaps his feelings need to die naturally. That is why I said, let's not let him think you are the plan B. ... Also, I am sorry to say this, but I would be surprised at this point if this is only a "crush." I know you don't want to think about it, but most likely there is a lot going on between these two. Most men do not plan to leave their W for a crush. They have tasted a slice and now they want the whole pie.

"5) We have talked briefly about small projects need to do like mulching etc. is that ok? One big project he mentioned but think bc he was telling parents."

Sure, why not. You can do projects--big and small--and keep on living your life the way you chose. Does it mean he will stick around because he is planning longer term projects? Maybe. Or maybe not. I have no idea. ... But, I do want you to start asking yourself this--do you really want to keep investing so much of yourself with a man that is thinking about OW? Possibly sleeping with her?

I am coming at you with 2*4s because I want to open your eyes and prepare you for the worst. I have been through the worst and have come out on the other side. It wasn't until I started to let him go, discover my worth, and start realizing I deserved better, that I started to get his REAL attention.

You asked for answers. These are my honest answers.
-Blu

[Jzmill]

Blu- appreciate the feedback and time.

I did check out your thread about the fog. I have gotten caught up in trying to understand what my H is thinking/doing as well.

I have been struggling to detach. Being able to excuse myself early to end our time together has been good practice. I know important to cont. and keep in mind what you said about you moving forward and H noticing. Think you are right tho that holding on in way. Im jealous that others receive more of his attention now since this started. He was not like that before.

When you say "do you have access to OW" do you mean to approach?
I did stumble across that H said to friend not reciprocated by OW, said that everyone knows me as his wife. Regardless it is an EA and feel betrayed. It bothers me that when approached subject with H, he said I was mistaken and continues on. H thinks that new feelings should never escape a M, not realizing its not sustainable. Its sad bc he lacks experience in area.

Checking emotions can be tough, esp. resentment. When H lets me know of plans late, whether in person/msg. it bothers me. I have done well not reacting to this tho. Having the knowledge of feelings makes it tough, knowing OW may be involved. I really want to say "I do not feel comfortable with you going out knowing blank may be there." But know would not help matters.

I have read quite a few saying they are running out of steam and I can relate. For some reason there is a small part of me that has hope that H can begin to have doubt and realize the opportunity to reconnect is worth it.

Blu, I hope MC is good.

[BluWave]

"When you say "do you have access to OW" do you mean to approach?"

I am confused by this--I don't see where I asked this.

I get the sense you are feeling hopeless and are waiting for H to make some sort of decision. Well you have a right to make some decisions too! Take your power back! Perhaps you need to take a giant step back, create space, do not go for any crumbs he throws you and keep it vague. It is okay to let him know that you are not comfortable with the way things are, that you need some space right now, and that you have a lot to think about. You do not owe him any explanations and you do not need to answer to him. You can create your own boundaries and I don't think it would hurt for him to think you are not his plan B, you are not sitting around waiting for him, and if he has feelings for OW then you naturally do not want to be around him. ... Then you go out and be fabulous, feel fabulous, and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated!

Continue to be polite and respectful, but hold your head up high and let him see how you deserve to be treated!
-Blu

[Jzmill]

Blu- Think I misunderstood..(2nd para in question one of your response, at end "can you try and access her").

I do feel hopeless somewhat. I continue to work on space. I'm scared to take step back. I did say once a while ago that what we are going through is uncomfortable/tough; H response was "I know it is." I have not initiated any R talk since. Fear bringing up again will push/open up dialogue rather not have. Know what you are saying tho that I have the right to decision, having more space.

H has a grad party to go to tmrw. I want to ask to go along but figured not good idea. H having plans, esp late notice, still getting to me. At least when do own thing here H is home.

[Jzmill]

Ok so feeling the sad/anger build up that some have mentioned already. It is awful. I am doing so so not reacting to things. Have had a couple slips so that's a shame. Detaching and mindset of it overall is a struggle.

H called last night when on way home. I didn't answer and went for walk so not able to greet him. Before he left for party I did same thing so couldn't say bye. He ended up calling me (missed it actually) to see where I was and to say bye (not reading into that tho). I will pick and choose when answer, etc.

I have not asked any questions about his plans. still stings that going out when didn't before. Sure he is aware of how its effecting me overall.

[Coconut]

Jzmil, it does sting/hurt when they start going out when they didn't used to, but that's why you need to detach & GAL... You to can go out even though you didn't used to, since you can't stop him from doing so, the best thing you can do is find yourself and be concerned about what you are doing. I understand the struggle, I'm right there with you, but do as I say, not as I do . You will make it through this one way or another, it's best if you come out the other side a more confident, happier you.

[Jzmill]

C, Still at a low but know where coming from. This a.m I woke up first and stayed busy taking walk and reading on deck while H mowed. We both were tired so took nap on opposite sides of couch.

When we watched our show tonight, our cat was being pain with cords. I picked her up and told H I'd go upstairs to watch rest to calm down. He said "whatever" in an upset tone. He didn't say goodnight. Know not to analyze instances but at times cannot help it. I know the purpose of taking step back is to encourage H to move towards me but what if he takes my actions as giving up caring?

[Jzmill]

Been more angry lately. suppose can use that to help detach. H has stopped saying goodnight and giving hug. Know should not let get to me but it does. H has no problem asking for small favors tho. Picking and choosing what help with.

I know not to leave bedroom but fell asleep on couch (left tv on) other day to give myself a break. When I look in H direction lately I want to shake him and ask him to stop and come to senses. So draining.

[Coconut]

Jzmill, find something to do with others, your great at doing things on your own, but find things to do with others... You might be afraid to get out and socialize, but do it afraid, you need to do it, it will make you happier, and if your happier, your H will notice (not the goal, but it will happen)..

Find something social that you like, even if you don't think you'll like it, try it... Eventually you will find something you do like, you'll find people you enjoy being around, it will work in your favor.

[Jzmill]

Had some momentum detaching and then deflated it.

H had late game last night. I went on deck to be scarce. He looked around then found me. After his shower I headed to bed, not crossing paths. H found me, asked where was and he said goodnight.

Then..H came to bed real late. I told myself not to react. Well I asked why and H said had some work to get done. I was irritated bc knew was not necessary and concerned driving on little sleep. He said was fine and sighed loudly when in bathroom. I saud was concerned and apologized for some reason. he said not to be sorry and said bye as left. Screwed up ugh.