In the UK - PT 18 'Dark O'Clock'

[Huddy]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...532#Post2678532

Old Thread

It's sons birthday tomorrow, so, me and W decided to buy him a trampoline. I've been on call this weekend, so I had a people carrier from work and arranged with W to pick her up to get the gift and assemble it. When I arrived, all the kids were there (including SD) and we went off to get the trampoline.

W asked why I had a vehicle and was grateful that I came to get her. She suggested that we had a meal together at McDonalds, which we did. I then went back to W's house and assembled the trampoline for the kids. We had cake and then it was time to go. W didn't ask me to go, but I didn't want to hang around and seem clingy/needy/persuing.

So, why dark o'clock? Well, it's that time when you realise that you still want to part of the relationship. You dream about it, you analyse it, you wish it, but you can't influence it. I still wake with anxiety dreams and think about how to end this situation. Do I just 'move on'? Do I keep hoping and praying? That's when it's grey in your head and you can't see the light. When is the next ray of light going to shine and let you see clearly what's going on? Like a perpetual nightmare although I've been living life for me and the kids, it still doesn't feel whole.

All we really want is to be loved; to be told again that you're wanted and needed and that piece of your body that hasn't been there, is replaced. The right piece in the right hole.

I can see that W's life is a mess. She is having trouble controlling my S's autism and called me at 0845 this morning to ask some random question, despite she was going to see me in the flesh just over an hour later. When I called to say I would pick her up, she virtually sang an 'oh yes' before I finished the sentence.

So, it's another case of two steps forward and three steps back in to the dark.

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. Marathon not a sprint , it's seems very clear W is in a very hard place right now and perhaps she's not in love with you right now but I believe she thinks she's not in Love with you and she's trapped in that thought

We're back to the same old thing , let her do her and Huddy be the best Huddy he can be while moving forward with his life

I have no doubt she's will realise the grass in not greener where she is now but it's how long that takes and as cadet says , the choice will be yours one day ( LBS )

Stay strong mate and have fun in that trampoline !!!

Take care. Rd

[roist]

I agree with RD. Many WAS are so entrenched in their belief that the LBS is at fault, unchanging and unlovable that they cannot see/accept what everyone else sees.

The good news is that most WAS eventually do realize what they should have known all along.

I have no real advice just my support. I understand where you are at and I share those feelings. People have turned things around in far worse situations.

As you don't need to post very often nowadays I assume you are fairly alright. That is good. On the limited postings since ye moved out, I wonder if you could maybe pull back further.

Best wishes

[Huddy]

Hi Roist/RD

No, I don't post that often these days. A combination of not having a lot to say and I don't want folks who are just coming to this forum getting downhearted by looking at my joining date and thinking 'oh no'. Yes, I'm OK and plugging on - thanks for asking!

With the kids I don't think I can pull back anymore than I have. Obviously the ideal is NC, but that isn't practical.

Anyway, gym is up to six days per week and I can see positive signs in myself, so that's a bonus!

[roist]

I wouldn't worry too much about frightening off the newbies. I understand what you are saying. If I knew I would be where I am now after this length of time maybe I would not have been able to commit to it. Anyhow I am where I am and I am committed (for the time being at least..... nit indefinitely though!)But maybe our time frames could help it sink in to others that it us a long process, so getting to grips with anxiety and detachment as soon as poss is vital to coping. After that PATIENCE.

At this stage you have 4 options

1. Try to seduce your wife and woo her back. I advise against this and most likely will push W further away.
2. Push W away for real. Decide enough is enough. File for Dand don't look back. I don't think you are there yet.
3. Same as 2 but done to snap W out of fog. The fog and what will break it are unpredictable.TTherefore I don't think this is the road to take, unless it is for real.
4. Keep on trucking.It is probably the least attractive option but also likely to be the best IMO.You are doing good.Keep going.

Wow, already up to six times a week. No wonder you see some results. Onwards and upwards. You will be whole again. I am sure

[rd500]

Agree with Roist , you clearly are still standing for your M and your family. W is lost and looking for an external cure for her perceived unhappy life. The cure is within and W will have to do the work to realise and accept this.

Huddy can continue to see how he feels as events change or not change

Hitting the gym 6 days and week , you'll have to change your name to Arnie !!!

One day at a time brother , take care. Rd

[Huddy]

Ha ha! Arnie - I think not. Mind you, he said 'I'll be back', so maybe! There is a down side - I'm gonna need to look for smaller clothes and I only bought a whole new wardrobe at the Christmas sales.

Yes Roist, option 4 is the only one open really; just keep on going.

[Natus]

As a newbie i take inspiration from your story. As much as i want to get back with the W its nice to know that that we can be stronger with the alternative as well.

[Huddy]

Hi Natus

Glad you're finding it worth following! I do worry that newbies see the start dates and think 'I can't last that long' and go in to panic mode. You kind get use to it and learn strategies to cope and move forward. It's worth pointing out the difference between moving forward and moving on.

[Huddy]

There is a running theme. Whenever W is with SD, she is spewey towards me. She's started doing it today as well. My D reveals that her Mother and Sister are coming tomorrow. Ah, so the usual rules are put back in place and all the niceties of recent days are put away again. It's as if she's afraid to show that she's made a mistake to anybody.