Life 2.0

[Painter]

I feel like it would be a relief to die. There's no danger of me doing anything, don't worry, it's just desperation for this pain to go away. I know we've all been there and I feel like I've lived this so long (2 years since BD next month, 6 months of rage from H before that) and I'm just wore out. I didn't think I'd be here again. I don't know if I'll feel better tomorrow. Have taken two (very low dose) pills and still this faucet just won't shut off.

I haven't heard anything back from SD and I'm imagining how they all had this great evening and OW ingratiated herself and they're now all having fun planning a wedding. I know that's silly but the mind goes where it wants and I can't smack it.

[Sotto]

I'm sorry you're having a rough night and I'm sure many of us recognise that feeling of unbearable pain and the desperation to bring pain to an end. The main thing is not to act on it and recognise that in time things will improve and you will feel better. And actually, having experienced pain like that helps us to appreciate the little things in life and live in the here and now.

Yes, try not to mind read - I doubt very much that's how the evening unfolded! Now we are D'd it may well be that my XH is busy planning a wedding and new family...but if that is with OW, they will always need to live with how their R began. And I'm not sure that true happiness can really be built on that kind of shaky foundation.

The main thing is to try and haul your focus off them and onto you. Try and do soothing things that occupy you for a little while, spend time with supportive people and so on. This is a further BD for you and feels awful - but on the positive side, we tend to recover much more quickly from a further BD than we did the first one.

I'm hoping you will drift off to sleep soon and wake up feeling more settled, and have a better day tomorrow.

This too shall pass xx

[Zues126]

I've been sitting here for like 15 minutest trying to think of a way to reply and I'm just stuck. So I'll go with some dark humor that is probably both appropriate and entirely inappropriate for the situation. Please forgive my inability to stop my own bad taste. Anyway, it has to do with the idea that if I ever wanted to end my life I wouldn't do it quietly in my basement or something. I might as well make a scene. For some reason I always pictured crashing a wedding. You know, the couple is saying their vows, and right before the 'I do' I just jump up and shoot myself in the head with a shot gun. Congrats folks, for the rest of your life you'll be haunted by crazy wedding suicide guy! Make no mistake, we all need to commit to getting through the hard times together, my commitment to life is like my commitment to marriage. But if fantasizing brings you a small dose of relief, picture that for a few minutes

It's a joke anyway, frankly anyone that could do this to you would probably shrug it off and go right on with the service. So, so, so sick.

OK, this is a disaster but I can't screw around with this post all darn day Painter. Know that I am here for you even when I'm at a total loss.

[Painter]

Thank you, Sotto and Zues. I know you both know what I'm going through and it both helps and it doesn't. It does because I know your compassion comes from a place of complete understanding and it makes me feel less like a failure, and it doesn't help because I wouldn't want anyone to go through this and knowing that there are many, many people out there who are willing to put their spouses and families through this kind of pain is just horrific to me.

I think I had hope all along. Maybe I was in some kind of denial. This is still very, very bad. I don't feel any better than last night. I've slept about 4 hours.

[J5K]

Painter,

I hope I don't sound harsh but get out today and do something! Go for a walk, meet up with a friend, go shopping! Anything to keep your mind off of pain and despicable actions of your H.
I am having a hard time with this also but need to kick myself in the a$$ when this happens and start taking charge of my life!

Easier said than done but just take some baby steps and life 2.0 will fall into place.

Hugs

[Painter]

Hi Jim, I have to work today, so will be busy. I took the dog for a morning walk while chatting with a friend on the phone.

I'm just worried about going out in public and not being able to stop crying. I keep breaking down, so I really just want to stay in bed and post here.

[JujuB]

Hi painter. Keep posting if it helps. We are listening.

I know you are experiencing intense and painful feelings and i know you dont really want your life to end, only these feelings.

I never once wanted my life to end and do you know why? Because that would be giving someone else way too much power. No one is worth that. Especially not your husband.

Life is misery and hardship. All at different degrees and levels. Our whole lives we will navigate through this. Its a guarantee. It's part of the human condition. But maybe experiencing these depths of pain will help us to experience and appreciate something positive with just the same type of depth? Kind of like good can't exist without evil etc. I guess what I am trying to say is that this won't be permanent. You will look back and be greatfull that someone else has to deal with this man while you are experiencing peace and beauty.

I have this young pt that has been through a lot of trajedy and lives with some serious health issues. She is incredible to talk to. I compare her to other people her age and her strength and confidence and depth of soul is just amazing. This is our present trajedy. To build up our soul and strength. I know that none of us would elect to have this happen to us or even wish it upon another. But like it or not it has. Therefore the only way it won't be a waste is to use it as a catalyst for your own personal growth and strength. You all ready have, it's just getting through this final hurt. Runners call it hitting the wall, when that lactic acid builds up and you can't go on. But you do.

Extra Hugs

J.

[rd500]

Hi Painter. I hope it's ok to post. I know exactly how your feeling in wanting the pain to end and the good news is , it will. One day In the future this part of your life will be a memory How you remember it , good or bad will be up to you

When I say good it's because your future is unwritten , fantastic things may lie ahead and this zpart of your life was needed to get you there I haven't read all your story but I will , but no matter what happened this is a chance for you to grow as the person you want to be. Of course its c@p what happened but it's done now and by moving forward , making your life the best you can make it , the whole thing can be used to make changes that you want / need

Like us all I do miss the woman I spent 26 years with BUT right now , I'm too good for her , she doesn't deserve some one like me and I'm sure your sitch is the same We want the person we knew back but they are not that person anymore and may never be again This forum offers great advice and time is the best healer of all.

Choose to live your life for you and when the cr@p gets too much do something about taking your mind off it. I'm sitting in my car because WW calls into the house after work , I've been for a long walk , I'm now posting on here and then I have shopping to do and lunches to make and uniforms to iron , while doing this I shall be interacting with / annoying my kids !!!

We only get one chance at this life so make the most of it Again , I truly get the ' ending the pain ' feeling and I also fully appreciate its just a feeling and nothing more but does this have to be how you feel ? Watch a comedy , post on here to a newbie who is suffering the soul destroying waves of BD , keep your mind off perceived and / or real hurt

All the above is just my humble opinion and I hope it was ok to join your thread

Take care. Rd

[blueboy]

Have strength painter, I feel like you want the pain to end, I understand the feeling of it would be easy to die! But it just transfers the pain to your loved ones.

Breath, sleep, find things you enjoy!

[J5K]

Painter

I have been sobbing while driving in my cat the last two days. Yesterday I stayed in bed most of the day but went out just to get some fresh air and a coffee. Today I am visiting family.

I pray that you overcome this pain sooner than later.

More hugs