Life 2.0

[Painter]

Wow, was I wrong about him telling the truth yesterday.

My stepdaughter went to see H today. He texted to her on the way that he had a couple of surprises, and when she said, how fun, he said "I hope". She texted that to me and said she was nervous. So was I. We started wondering if OW was there. She said if so, she would want to just leave again.

She texted a little later that she was horrified, the house was unrecognizable, and OW has moved in. H made her promise not to tell me. She is terrified of losing him, but tried to talk to him about what he is throwing away and how wrong she thinks his choices are.
I am furious at him for basically abusing her (she has PTSD after severe abuse by her mother and can be easily manipulated because she is so afraid of causing anyone to be angry with her). But he is making her an accomplice to his deceit and lies, and it is causing her terrible pain and conflict because she also loves me and feels that he is treating me so badly.

I hope she will talk to me later tonight and share more. I suggested that she tell her dad that she won't be an accomplice to his deceit and that he will have to tell me himself. She shouldn't be put in the middle.

I have had a hell of an afternoon and evening. So happy I have medication to take. I can understand why people turn to alcohol and drugs.

I really didn't expect it to be like it was the first time I found out, it's almost as bad. Except now all hope is gone.

[vise82]

Sorry to hear this.

And to have him lie to you just like that and to keep it from you.

You do deserve better then this. The best is yet to come to you.

[JujuB]

((((Painter))))

It's actually going to be easier now that all hope is gone. I know it hurts now but that hurt won't last forever. You have been through this before and you got through it... But no more after this ok? You need some peace

This is on him, not you. Anyone capable of doing this isn't worth it. Let her have him. He is not a prize. He is a liar and he is disloyal and he is selfish.

I am sorry for your step daughter though. You are right to not get her involved. But you can't make someone do the right thing.
She is lucky to have you as a positive influence.

J.

[Phoebe]

Well, I have all kinds of ugly descriptors running around in my head for your H right now, Painter, but I'll spare you the reminders. I'm guessing you've been thinking the same things all day.

I'm with JujuB. They deserve each other and you deserve so much better. The lying is despicable. I am so sorry. It's going to be hard for a while again, but you will come out on the other side, a whole person with your dignity and integrity intact.

Take your meds and try to sleep. May tomorrow bring you some new-found clarity.

(((((Painter)))))

[Zues126]

Good for them.

[Painter]

So Zues, would you blame me if I file for an at-fault D? You're my litmus test...

[Zues126]

I'll give you a ride to the courthouse if you need...

[Painter]

That makes me feel better. I hate giving up and taking the initiative to end my M. Still, today, the thought is awful to me.

But my wish to end this quickly and in the process put their names in a court document and drag them through the mud is greater. I need vindication, and since God doesn't seem to do much smiting these days (I campaigned unsuccessfully in my church for more smiting), I guess I have to take care of it.

[Zues126]

I'd sleep on that Painter.

IMHO the best thing to do is turn the other cheek, and not to get in the muck with them. Don't get your hands dirty punishing or embarrassing or anything like that. Just do what you need to do to protect yourself financially and walk away.

Look- the best revenge is to not give him anything he can whisper about to home-wrecker in the evening about how horrible you are. Be strong and calm and be a rock for your kid. Be graceful and fair in the settlement. Handle it better than anyone else would handle it. Otherwise he'll just convince himself he was right to leave, and there'd actually be a tiny grain of truth to that.

That's what I've done in my sitch, and it feels WONDERFUL.

And besides...your STBXH and that tramp are no longer in your world. They may still occupy your mind for now, but they won't for long. You know who will? YOU. You will live with you the rest of your life. And when you are judged, either by God or by Zues from the DB forums, it will all be about what YOU did. Great, other people hurt you, betrayed you, let you down, treated you badly...good for them. That will be dealt with when we get to them. But when we're looking at you, it's all about you. What YOU do.

So make what you do be beyond reproach. Go to the courthouse by all means. File. But check the emotions at the door. If the best thing for the family is a D that takes some time, then breathe deep and handle it. If he's trying to negotiate, be reasonable, and do what's right. Be fair. Be cooperative. He doesn't deserve it. But YOU do.

It's late and I'm rambling. Sorry about that. I'm not very sharp right now. I'll just reiterate that I am SO glad I've handled XW that way. And now what's nice is that she's been fairly cooperative too, which has been very nice as we've been able to trade weekends with the kids, and made other compromises. It's made MY life easier, and my KIDS life easier. So if being selfless and righteous to sleep soundly at night isn't good enough, it turns out it was the selfish thing to do as well.

Please spit any venom you need to here and you'll have our complete support. But once you interact with him or a lawyer, be the model of professionalism. You can do it!

[Sotto]

Hi Painter, I'm sorry to hear how things have unfolded - ugh...

My D has just been finalised (H filed and carried through right to the end.) In fact the end of the M is really helping me move on now. I'm only posting because I have had the same inner debate about filing on grounds of infidelity and citing OW in the D petition. If I had done that, she would have received the petition at work and it would all have been a bit of a drama and horrible for her I guess. I kind of loved the thought of that....wow - you can even claim for OW to pay your costs here. And I could have listed his 'spends' on her ('000s) and had those taken into account before splitting assets....all highly tempting...he he

But I wasn't ready to file in any case and ultimately I'm glad that H filed as he did and I didn't even need to make that decision. The only thing I would say is try to act from your own highest place and think in a long term way about what you are going to feel happy with looking back....what you are feeling (understandably) right now, is likely to change in time and he/she won't really matter..you're the one that matters and you'll be the one to live the path you have chosen and live with the choices you make.

Take care Sweetie xx